Posted by ed_uk2010 on April 5, 2010, at 13:23:34
In reply to this is long, and you won't want to read it, posted by qbsbrown on April 5, 2010, at 12:59:09
I did read it. It wasn't so long :)
The thing is, Brian, you've been on so many meds at different times and in different combinations, it's difficult to know what the individual meds were actually doing.
What would you be like if all your meds were gradually withdrawn? I'm not sure. It could be important to find out?
I think the best psychiatrist for you would be one who has a realistic view of medication ie. someone who understands that meds can help, but that they can also harm. Some psychiatrists seem to have an unrealistically rosy impression of medication, and don't spot the side effects.
I don't think that benzos are your only problem. There's also the MS, and the possibility that you have inherited a susceptibility to psych problems from your parents. Your home environment sounds unhealthy and I think you need to get out of there. The traumas that you have been through must play on your mind, and that is not going to be easy to deal with.
If you'd never taken meds in the first place, I do think that things would be different, but I don't think you would be free of psych problems. Some of us are susceptible to these things. It's not too late to see a psychologist by the way, do you think it would help you?
And stop apologising for writing. There's no need to!
> I often think about, and ruminate, over the tons and tons of med combos i tried, just to feel as most humans do every second of every day.
>
> To think how productive i was on a job, and did not fail, on benzos and stimulants, and of course, lots of booze at night, great combo.
>
> One time, i THOUGHT I had it, maybe i did. Trileptal, lyrica, zyprexa, i think celexa (which would still make me irritable, semi derealized, unable to read), but it didn't work, til i added provigil, when i thought provigil was a miracle drug, it put me in the present moment, which i was and never am, stuck in my own head thoughts. And of course my mind/memory, has to point out, i wasn't on benzos then. it loves to do that, to see intrusive images from the past, and say, i wasn't even on benzos then. I was fat, didn't want to do anything other than work, and play video games.
> But i felt fine at my best friends' wedding (whom i have alienated now, and don't speak to, after the way i have acted on psychotropic drugs over the years). I could easily have gone and visitedmy family up in san francisco area, which i normall couldn't have.
>
> I remember, being on celexa during my valium taper in china, the celexa was BRUTAL to me beyond belief. I could not make the flight home, no way. So we added zyprexa to do so, i slept the whole flight, and i slept some 30 hours when i got home, i remember waking up in the middle of the night, and it was SO calm, it felt like the perfect moment, like it used to feel during xmas when i would visit my parents during college.
>
> Adding the zyprexa, i thought was a miracle, i was looking at the newspaper, looking for local cultural/concerts to go to, thinking about golfing, about doing things i hadn't wanted to do in a LONG time. My spanish PDOC was in china, i wrote to her about zyprexa, WOW Elizabeth, i mean WOW. Then i had to up and up and up, to 30mgs
>
> I wonder if these drugs have any place in my life anymore, as on them, i never saw a future, just an existence, trying to feel ok, trying to get through the day, or if it is time to get clean from them, let the brain return to it's whatever homeostasis it could now figure out, although, you can sense my memory, and the trauma that i've been through. How it would deal or sort that, i don't know.
>
> Once again, i apologize about the ranting.
>
> Once in my life, i wanted to be a writer, philosophy, maybe like nietzsche, some of my fav philosophy writers, and add in some beet writers, a little keroauc, burroughs, bukowski, ginsberg, etc.
>
> But i'm stuck speaking of a horrible psychiatric history, that nobody cares about. I would have been much better off being a functional alcoholic, as i was out of college, while working a prestigous corporate job, although i was derealizaed at the time.
>
> Had i known that the antidepressant, lexapro, was making me super irritable and depressed, as all antidepressants do, had i just dropped the booze and antidepressant so many years ago, how my life would be,,,...hhhhmmmm
>
> I THOUGHT Paxil saved my life at age 19, when 3-4 brutal panic attacks were going on, had severe agoraphobia, couldn't leave the house w/o drinking. Thumbing through my psychology textbook during college, i saw "panic disorder", and i vividly remember putting my finger on it. Saw a shrink, put on paxil, all was well, it went away, it stopped, life resumed.
>
> In retrospect, i should have simply saw a psychologist. What 19 year old, who in Seattle, was the popular jock in high school, then moves to college in san diego, near mexico, where i become the outcast, made fun of, picked on, and of course the underclassmen baseball players had to do a lot of crap.
>
> What person wouldn't begin panic attacks? Although yes, i had an affinity for panic attacks when smoking ocassional marijuana in HS. My first panic attack was at age 15, and they were an annual thing. I had no clue what they were. I was just under the assumption that people lost their crap every once in a while.
>
> Once again, have i apologized for writing so much crap that nobody cares about?
>
> Brian
poster:ed_uk2010
thread:941095
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100328/msgs/942346.html