Posted by stargazer2 on November 25, 2009, at 21:57:45
In reply to Why do I feel suicidal?, posted by Meltingpot on November 19, 2009, at 16:34:30
Hi MP,
I have had suicidal ideation, i.e. thoughts of suicide often, and at times they have haunted every waking hour.
I have only had a real plan once, or perhaps twice. THe first time was very scarey, as I was close to doing something to eliminate the pain.
I just considered them part of my depression but never got used to them. Often they were thoughts of questioning what was my purpose in life, other times thoughts of what would be the best, least painful way to kill myself.
But for some reason, in the few months, the thoughts have gone away. I just saw my doc yesterday and told him that I wondered if it had something to do with reaching menopause. THis is the first time in 30 years, my depression does not seem to be talking to me me everyday, it has finally shut up or taken a vacation someplace else.
As depressed and suicidal as I have been, I never took it to the next level. I often just ignored the thoughts and didn't even tell anyone most of the time, just when I was really bad, and became non functional. But I have functioned the majority of my life with ongoing depression and at times believed that was how it would always be.
I think this is my longest stretch of stability, or the longest that I can remember. I used to write down my thoughts daily because I wanted to keep track of how bad I was and go back to read what different meds were doing, since it is almost impossible to remember one day from the next, even if every day is miserable. There were some that were more miserable, than others, so I kept track of my moods, responses to meds, evry symptom I had.
If you are so consumed by the thoughts and if you think you may act on them, that is the time to call your doctor. I was given some medication once and it turned things right around. I think it might have beeen Zyprexa or Seroquel, but it worked.
For many people with depression, having suicidal thoughts is a guage of how well your treatment is working. The thoughts should diminish with effective treatment but may never go away completely. If you can live with it, you have to in order to keep trying and praying for relief.
It is certainly a nice change to not have these thoughts right now. They could always return, but that is something I will always have to deal with. I almost forgot what that feels like anymore but I can sympathize with you. Depression is a nasty condition and it takes a lot of strength to keep fighting it. I understand why some people give up, but I was too afraid to take that route. IT is a permanent one.
Good luck in your struggle.
Stargazer
poster:stargazer2
thread:926250
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091117/msgs/926988.html