Posted by B2chica on August 20, 2008, at 13:01:21
In reply to Re: The stakes are too high. » Hygieia's Bowl, posted by atmlady on August 19, 2008, at 22:18:53
that's what i want, the perfect AD. but what is that?
i ask myself am i asking/looking for trouble when i venture out and try new meds. when im 'getting by with my old standby zyprexa.
then i think and remember the few months of how i was on a combo way back of zyprex and wellbutrin.
zyprexa gets me to sea level. but thats it. i'm no longer drowning. and i feel i should be happy with that. and i feel guilty for looking further.
but i get tears in my eyes when i remember how much more energy i had, and how i could actually interact with people (or wanted to) and laugh about nothing.how i could have a day...a week go by without thoughts of death breeze through my mind.
***********************
im what you would call 'stable' right now.
but i'm not ...'happy'. i'm getting by. i back to being able to 'pretend' to be happy.
but i'm not. and now it's worse because i can remember how happy i could be.i hate 'playing' with my meds. especially with little to no help from my pdoc who seems to thing no change in my meds might help me????!!
so the only time things change is when i suggest them.
so my paradox, is playing with meds.
am i doing it because i'm forever looking for the "Just right med combo" that may not even be out there for me, or has it become that obsession?i don't know. maybe a little of both.
but i know i can't stop now.
and i usually stick things out if anything too long through horrible SE. only for them not to work after all.the only thing i hate worse than this, is the outside worlds views on this. how most people really don't have a clue about med changes and what we go through.
i'm ranting now because i had to drop a class for the fall because i knew i'd miss more than three classes and she would fail anyone that missed that...no exceptions. i even told her i had medical issues and i asked her if i'd be better off dropping the class? she simply emailed back "yes".but my health is more important right now (i convince myself)
like SLS says...the stakes are too high.
poster:B2chica
thread:847169
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20080814/msgs/847388.html