Posted by surviving on June 22, 2007, at 16:01:40
In reply to Re: Desperate for change, posted by missjulie on June 22, 2007, at 12:49:36
missjulie,
The video was the year before the cancer. I have always taken tons of videos and pics. I'm the mom always embarrasing her kids with the camera. But this was the first time I've been able to watch any of them since the illness. It really shocked me to see myself as I was...laughing and playing. I also dyed my hair brown for some unknown reason after the surgeries...i was blonde before. A lot of people who have had this type of surgery are a bit disfigured, but I was blessed to have a good surgeon at Mayo and just have a 6 inch scar which goes from behind my ear to the middle of my throat and another one 3 inches below it following the same lines. I don't mind the scars at all. It wasn't the physical appearance of myself that threw me...it was the personality difference. I was always very positive and confident and now would define myself as negative and fearful. I also had a lot of friends and was very social...every weekend having someone over or going places. Now the phone doesn't ring much ...for me anyway. I've had a friend for 20 yrs who has stuck with me and my horse riding buddy still calls for me to ride...I just can't deal with that right now. I'm not going to try to watch any more videos for a while till I'm better.The GP who took me off the meds is no longer my dr. That's something I did learn from all this...a bad dr can kill you. I got a new GP and saw him for the first time the day before I saw my pdoc a few wks ago. The first thing he said was to get back on meds, but wanted me to see my pdoc for his opinion. I like this dr a lot.
So, in summary, I guess I just want to be happy again and be able to enjoy my family and what life I have left. I have never liked to be on meds...I'm afraid of the damage they can do to your body. The whole side effect thing wigs me out. I was just reading on the internet about wellbutrin and it said not to mix it with Xanax. Those kind of things bother me. I'm also afraid of being dependent on drugs and then they stop working. I'm terrified of ever going back to that dark place I was. I really don't think I would survive that again.
My pdoc diagnosed me with severe depression, post traumatic stress syndrom and chronic anxiety. He believes it was brought on by the stress of the illness and aftermath. I should have gotten involved with a support group but didn't think of it. He said i had drained my brain of the chemicals it needed from the prolonged stress.
Please don't think you could ever offend me with whatever you have to say. Even if you disagree or have a completely different opinion...I will respect and appreciate it.
Thank you for taking your time to try and help a complete stranger. You are a jewel.
poster:surviving
thread:764861
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070622/msgs/765043.html