Posted by surviving on June 22, 2007, at 11:32:30
In reply to Re: Desparate for change, posted by missjulie on June 22, 2007, at 1:03:47
Thank you for responding...i was afraid no one would. You understood very well. The 2 words used to describe me before were 'bubbly' and 'positive'. I was a well adjusted, happy, optimistic person who seldom used meds of any kind. Tylenol was about the strongest drug I knew.
Then a tumor came up on my tonsil and was misdiagnosed. My dr. removed my tonsils and exised the inside of my mouth (that means removing the top layer of tissue) and 2 days later called with the news of cancer. He wanted me to have radiation but I had lost confidence in him and went to Mayo Clinic for a 2nd opinion. They did the radical neck disection and re-exised the inside of my mouth because my 1st dr did a bad job. They also did a lot of repair work, took out my left jugler vein, all the tissue in the left side of my neck, and the large saliva gland on the left side of my jaw. I couldn't swallow well or eat solids for 2 months, resulting in the weight loss and no sleep. After 2 hrs. I would start choking for lack of moisture. This is when the shaking on the inside started and the panic attacks.
After 6 months I was going downhill fast. I live in a small town and couldn't find a dr who knew what to do to help. My husband was desperate because I was pretty much bedfast and my children had to take care of themselves (they were 10 and 16). We finally found an ENT (ear, nose & throat) dr who told me that I would die soon if I didn't get help. He sent me to a physical therapist who ultimately got me to a pdoc. That's when it changed from downhill to up. I got on the meds and began to improve.
I was tired of trying different drs so when I found a good oncologist, I let him do everything a family dr would. After 6 yrs of remission, he wanted me to get a regular MD, so I did. This new dr. doesn't like anti-depressants and took me off the wellbutrin. He then said that Xanax was addictive and started cutting me back. I was agreeable because I had never had to be on meds before and thought he knew best. I was taking 2 ml Xanax at that time. I actually felt ok for a while off the wellbutrin, but cutting the Xanax down to 1ml a day was when things started getting bad.
I had not seen my pdoc for 2 yrs. and things got so bad that I went to see him 4 wks ago. He upped the Xanax to 2 ml daily and re-started the Wellbutrin. He didn't like the other drs advice. It's only been 4 wks. now, but the wellbutrin is not working well. I'm taking wellbutrin XL, but everyone on this site talks about wellbutrin SR. I don't know the difference. I'm calling my pdoc today to let him know my progress...but think I need to change to something else, I just don't know what.
I wake up every morning with such a feeling of dread that I start to shake and have to hit the Xanax (it really helps with the shaking). But I have no motivation to get up or do anything. I used to love horses and rode a lot, but now I can't stand to look at my horse. My husband has to take care of her. I don't want to leave my house. I don't enjoy anything. That's why I don't know who I am. I was so different before. I woke up happy, excited for the day, involved in so many things, and lived life to the fullest. Do you think I can ever experience any of those things again? I've tried therapy with several different therapists, but it didn't help.
Sorry this took so long for you to read. I haven't had anyone to talk to about these things and I'm just so grateful that you responded.
poster:surviving
thread:764861
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070622/msgs/764949.html