Posted by Lindenblüte on October 6, 2006, at 19:59:57
In reply to Re: My new meds, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2006, at 18:28:55
> after one week your body will have built up a tolerance and if you miss your *PRN* dose you will feel anxiety. that anxiety is called *withdrawal*.
I'm not convinced that the anxiety I feel after missing my prn dose will be much different from the anxiety I've had since January. You know, the one where you forget to breathe? Or the one where you realize that you're sitting in a room full of your friends and you're shaking? Or the one where you have to give a doctor you're medical history, but your mouth feels like it's filled with cotton. Or the one where you don't want to ride your bike, because you might get freaked out/triggered and have an accident.
I'm glad that I asked my pdoc about this specifically. He says that I shouldn't expect any problems, especially with this one, because it has a long half-life. Short-term regular use is warranted at the moment because I'm going through some pretty wicked stuff right now. After a week or so, I'm going to be reevaluated. Pdoc and T both say I need to take care of myself in the present.
> if you dropped the coffee and your t started teaching you coping strategies in the present you might have better luck.
I'm not sure why you think that my T is not teaching me coping strategies. Frankly, you sound somewhat judgemental of my treatment. My former T taught me a lot of coping strategies. Some of these coping strategies include coping with overwhelming suicidal thoughts. That is one reason why I have been able to stay out of the hospital. Some of these coping strategies concern dealing with difficult colleagues and relationships. I think my relationships are stronger now than when I began therapy. As far as coping with anxiety, I'm trained in Insight Meditation and that has not seemed very helpful. Exercise has been recommended (you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink). Another thing that I see as a positive coping strategy is that my procrastination habit is much more under control than at any time in the last 10 years. I think that is a wonderful effect of therapy.
I have experimented being on and off caffeine at various phases during my illness and recovery. In my experience, 3 weeks off of caffeine is not a very happy time for me. My mood is down, my productivity is down, my frustration and anxiety that I'm not getting work or life done is up. Coffee really provides a tangible mood boost to me, and an excuse to find my friends to take a walk outside on a nice day to the cafe.
> i mean...
>
> therapy to bring up stuffno, Alex, Lindenblüte brings up stuff. In fact, sometimes it is in her mind even without her wanting to have it there!
>
> benzos to numb itI'll keep you posted on this- jury's still out. I was kind of hoping for the benzos to take the place of self-medicating with alcohol. And perhaps to give me a little more resilience so that I won't have to immediately distance myself from every single anxiety-provoking or flashback-triggering episode I encounter during my day. pdoc says that benzos are much safer than alcohol.
>
> coffee to keep you awakeyou forgot that it's also to help me wash down my morning muffin. :) and keep my hands warm on these increasingly chilly days :) and the TASTE mmm!
>
> thats a lot of antagonistic physiology...I'm not sure that it's all that antagonistic. Antagonistic might be to take inderal (propanolol) for anxiety, and albuteral for asthma. That wouldn't make much sense, especially for the poor alpha-2 adrenergic receptors in the bronchi and heart.
It is complicated, however. I think the current goal is to try to keep my mood somewhat stabilized, but not depressed. To try to limit the intensity of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts (including those that lead me to self-injure). To try to limit my over-generalized anxiety to things, because my psyche is kind of reorganizing itself as we speak, and the unfortunate trend is that I'm learning a lot of fear reactions to things that do not warrant fear. Lastly, to keep me awake, so that I can finish my freaking dissertation. Each chemical in my regimine acts in different ways, on different systems, and on different time scales. I wish it weren't that complicated. This is what happens when I tell my pdoc what I've been experiencing for the last 2 months or so. Things get a little more complicated. I hope it works out, but ultimately, I view the brain as a remarkably plastic organ. Since I haven't ever used illegal drugs, and I don't have many bad habits (I don't even get drunk anymore! and I never smoked) I figure I might as well give pdockery a shot.
Yes, wouldn't it be wonderful if I didn't have to take all these drugs?
to quote a line from "This Boy's Life"
"Wish in one hand. Sh*t in the other. Which one fills up first?"
-Lindenblüte
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:692068
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20061003/msgs/692520.html