Posted by pretty_paints on February 7, 2005, at 4:09:40
In reply to Re: I like your truth, posted by Smeegle on February 7, 2005, at 3:19:16
Hi Smeegs,
Thanks for you're lovely post. And thank you for telling me I'm wonderful!!! Blushes.
I think you have been really brave to cope with cancer and all the stuff about your son. You know, a lot of really severe depression is a neurological problem, and there may not be any "reason" for it (easy to say I know, shame I don't listen to my own advice!!). Are you in therapy at all??
I used to think maybe I was bipolar. Not because I'd ever been manic, but the problem was: every thing I read about depression said it slowed everything down, "depressed" all the body systems. It said your thoughts would become slow and difficult to form, and that everything would kinda move in slow motion. They said everything would be grey and dreary, that there would be no sensations and everything would be bleak.
Unless of course it is an agitated depression, which is different.
Well that totally was not like how it was for me, or for you so it seems.
For me, it was like being on an unhappy overdrive. I was desperately unhappy, but at the same time, everything was on fast motion for me. Colours, sights were vivid. Noises sounded suspicious and edgy. EVERYTHING was on high-speed. My THOUGHTS were crazy, on fastforward all the time, shoo shoo shoo. SO therefore, I thought I was manic. But it turns out that I was psychotic.
Anyway, I totally agree with you about the medical notes. I went and read my GP notes (I don't know if you are in the UK or not, think you said you were in the US, but GPs are like your general docs, and then they send you to the psychiatrist). Every time I have an appointment with my pdoc, she sends a letter to my GP. So I went and read all of those. The thing I found is (maybe this is my general paranoia), I thought they would have recorded SO MANY MORE THINGS than they actually did. It actually made me feel really rubbish. It was clinical yes, but it was also very very brief. And I just thought that I had conveyed so many things in the appointment, and all she records is the highlights. It made me feel really crap actually. However I comforted myself by thinking that these arn't actually the PROPER notes. The pdoc has a big folder and probably makes more detailed notes for herself. I would LOVE to read these notes, but am too scared to ask, and like you said, they would probably screen out certain things anyway.
Like the first time I went to see my GP (note, unless you are obviously psychotic or suicidal, you stay being treated with your GP for about 6 months, then maybe you get refered), I chatted to her about loads and loads, and envisioned her writing loads of stuff. But all it said was "Katie is very depressed. Crying. Have started 20mg fluoxetine". What?!!
I think tho that also it was part of my psychosis, because I basically thought my GP HATED me and was writing that I was a bad patient and she hated me etc in her notes. Which obviously she wasn't.
The letter my pdoc wrote on my admission to hospital simply said "Katie is very distressed. Ideas with a psychotic flair. Have started 2mg Risperidone". When we were in there for like, an HOUR!
Anyway, I don't think I will ask to see my pdoc notes, even tho like you I'd love to see them. I don't know what I'd find and it might upset me. I'm not exactly emotionally "sorted" at the mo, so I'll maybe leave it.
By the way, was it you who has recently posted a post on the "Medications in the US army" post? I just read that and it sounded similar (if not the same) as what you've written here, about your son being a deserter of the army etc. What does that mean being a deserter? That you just refuse to fight or something?
Anyway I am glad to have met you!! We have a lot in common! Thanks so much for your post xxxxxxxxxxxx Keep in touch!! :) I hope you manage to get through the really low patches. I understand your need to keep your "suicide" things just in case (yeh I really do, it's like you therefore have that *option* if things get really bad), but if things get rough again, maybe you could ask someone to help you out? My mum and dad bought a safe and they keep all my meds in there, as well as big knives from round the house, blades etc. It sounds a bit over the top, but it makes me feel more relaxed, knowing that if the urge came, it would take me longer to get hold of something to do the deed with, and that time might give me a chance to think again about what I'm going to do.
Anyway it is of course up to you :)
Keep in touch Smeegs!!! :) Have a good day.
poster:pretty_paints
thread:452494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050207/msgs/454224.html