Posted by Maxime on February 8, 2005, at 21:13:34
In reply to Fed up, posted by pretty_paints on February 7, 2005, at 12:37:41
Hi
Is it possible you suffer from a Borderline Personality Disorder (I hate that name)? Have you been diagnosed with it?
Maxime
> Actually I'm feeling a little fed up.
>
> Can I explain? Something's really on my mind.
>
> Right, you know before, I lied to my pdoc because I wanted her to think I was more ill than I really was. Then I decided to write to her, tell her it was a lie and get it off my chest.
>
> Now today, have I done the same thing? (nb: It wasn't my doc, it was my social worker, but same thing). I told her about my ideas with the soft toy cat and with the tutors at college. Am I doing the same stupid thing again?
>
> I feel annoyed with myself but I am trying not to because in fact, they are true. And therefore I'm thinking, if they're true, the doc needs to know. But I admit, I am aware that by telling my doc this she will think I am more ill and closer along the line towards schizophrenia. So why did I do it, was it for that? Do I want her to think I'm more ill than I am, like before?
>
> Well no, because before was a lie, and this is the truth.
>
> Sigh, I am so tired analysing all this. It's giving me a headache and making me very unhappy. If I have done the same thing again, it is a bad move therapy-wise, because what we are working on at the moment is trying to just be myself, "katie on her own". That is enough. Not "Katie plus schizophrenia".
>
> So overal I do think I said it in order to make myself seem more ill to her, but at the same time, it happened to be true, so therefore, is it so bad?
>
> I did explain what I explained to you here Ed, that I didn't loose my LOGIC. That I *felt* it, rather than *knew* it. So I could have lied about that, but I didn't did I! So that is good. I explained it how it really was. And I will do so again if she asks me about it. How I *just knew* it was true, but that I wouldn't go as far as to say people can see through walls, etc.
>
> So please if anyone can give me some advice about this as I am really churning it over :( :( :(
>
> Also, I am going to stop posting on babble or searching the net. I am so familiar with "typical" symptoms and signs etc, that is probably causing me even more problems because I KNOW what delusions to say to make me sound even more ill. If I lay off the "research" stuff, and just talk about ME, how I FEEL, and what I'm experiencing, I am bound to be better off in the long run, and this will be more accurate.
>
> Please reply people, as I feeling really emotional and run-down after today. I am feeling crap because I feel I've done what I did before. Stupid me. And I don't know whether I have or not, so please help me.
>
> :(
poster:Maxime
thread:452494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050207/msgs/455192.html