Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Re: 80h ... still alive

Posted by Camille Dumont on July 21, 2004, at 8:17:38

In reply to Re: 80h ... still alive, posted by linkadge on July 20, 2004, at 18:38:40

> Dude, you can't see this as an all or nothing thing. You were on 300mg of Effexor and 20mg of Celexa. It is extremely unusual to stop taking this and feel no emotional withdrawl. You may need to go back on some and then taper of slowly.
> This is no test of will power. You would not tell a diabetic that he needed to strengthen his willpower and stop taking insulin.
> Linkadge

True and not true at the same time. Yes its unusual to stop them at the same time and not tamper off ... but I do disagree on the "its like diabetes" comparison.

Its not as if I "don't" produce serotonin ... its not as if my brain is not equipped to be "ok" on its own ... if you take a diabetic and tie him up on a bed for two weeks, he will most likely fall into a diabetic coma and die. Tie a depressed person on a bed (sorry of the crummy methaphor but its the only was I can explain it) and no, I will not die ... I'll feel like shit, I'll feel suicidal, maybe I'll hallucinate and go majorly bonkers but I will not die. I guess there is always the freaky biological side effects tha might make you really physically sick but its not the same.

In fact, just as I hate it when people say to depressed people "snap out of it" and "get a grip" I also loathe it when doctors get into the whole "its like being diabetic ... you'll need those pills for the rest of your life" sort of thing because they're just basing that assumption on statistics (i.e. the probability of depression comming back and eventually suicidal attemps and what not). But statistics are not certainties ... they are PROBABILITIES. 99% might agree with the outcome predicted by the probabilities ... but there is no 100% certainty ... thus making a unilateral statement based on a probability is totally erronous in my view. Maybe my economist background has a lot to do with my nitpicking at this sort of thing.

If I felt depressed for 6 months, then was ok for 4 years and then depressed again for another six months then I'm sorry but NO I do not NEED those medications for the REST OF MY LIFE ... I might need them for part of it ... for when my defenses and barriers become too weaks ... like one may need an energy booster now and then but I cannot and definately will not give in to the whole "life sentence" train of thought. Perhaps its ok for some people ... and in fact since there are many "types" of depression, maybe some people need antidepressants for the rest of their lives ... but not me ... at least this is how I feel about it.

Maybe you're right, maybe its not a test of willpower ... maybe its a test of myself vs. myself ... of my strubornness ... of me wanting to pull all my guts and my resources and my strength towards this one simple goal : be free of the chemical crutches I'm on right now. This is not a judgement of whether they are good or bad but rather something very deep within me that has always pushed me towards wanting to be "in control" ... to be responsible for what happens to me, for my successes as well as for my failures ... only then do I find meaning and perhaps the only way I will find the will to live.

Right now on the meds, I just exist ... I go on because they numb the pain and the joy at the same time. I go on for my pets, because the depend on my ... but after two years I'm no closer to finding a reason to live ... and it seems to me that, in my search, the medical path has served its purpose. I did the whole drug cocktail approach ... it stabilizes me ... but gets me nowhere but this drugged up limbo. I've done all the psychiatric evaluations, psychometric tests, psychotherapy, etc ... and well, I haven't found my answers yet.

I do very well realize that what I'm doing is not the recommended way to do it .. but I also know myself. I'm not a marathon runner, I'm more of the 100 meter type. I can endure total utter crap to very high levels ... I can hang on even when I feel like I'm so sick I'm about to die. But I also knwo my one weakness : it doesn't last. I'd rather go the very much painfull way if it means a shorter trip. I'd rather feel like utter hell ... shaking and sweating and crying in bed for 2 weeks straight than to feel "somewhat bad" for 4 months because I know I'll most likely give up.

To each his own path I guess.




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