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Re: Suicide looming large...

Posted by Camille Dumont on July 20, 2004, at 17:49:42

In reply to Re: Suicide looming large..., posted by kittencat on July 17, 2004, at 16:14:47

As others have said the whole "get your act together, its a question of willpower, you just want attention, etc ... IS TOTAL UTTER BULL!"

Your feelings are real, your pain is real and nobody can or should tell you otherwise. Nobody can really judge the extent of what you feel because ... well, they're not you. I think it is a first important step to acknowledge that YES you are in pain and YES you are depressed and that does not make you "crazy" or "bad" or "flawed" ... no more than having red hair or brown eyes. Its just part of who you are.

Not to say that it has to be a permanent thing either. Sometimes medications can give you the support you need until you find your footing again. Couseling (with a license psychologist ... beware shaddy "therapists" ... I've heard of downright dangerous "thereapy" from ppl who "improvise" themselves therapist) can be of great help in asking yourself the right questions and examining how you feel and what you feel and why you feel like that ... because it is much easier to try and find a solution when you know what the problem is in the first place.

That being said, this is not much help when the deep dark thoughts come looming. I don't have any secret or magic "reason for living" argument for you ... if I did, I wouldn't be on meds and / posting on this board for that matter.

But the one thing that has helped me is this ... I figured that ok, maybe I don't have a reason for living right now ... I don't like myself and I don't really seem to find any reason why I should keep going .. so I decided to "create" a reason for living for myself ... well not for myself really but for another being.

Its really simple : I got pets. Doesn't really matter what kind .. in one of my "good" moods I sort of suckered myself into getting pets ... so that when I feel bad, I do have this one super totally good argument why suicide is NOT a viable option: my pets depend on me .. if I am not there (I have norwegian rats btw) ... nobody will be there for them and being rats (i.e. unappealing to most people) they will most likely be put down or die between the time people realise that I'm "missing" and "find me".

I may not care about myself most of the time ... but I feel utterly totally bound by my pets. I chose them ... they depend on me ... and as their owner it is my utmost duty to see that they are taken care of. No matter how crappy I feel, no matter how depressed I am, I DO NOT let myself slip with my pets because they have nobody else to turn to and it would be betraying my commitment to them.

Therefore, I may not have a good reason to live but I do have one heck of a good reason not to kill myself. And its a really good "mental argument" when that little dark voice tries to tell me that it would just be easier to kill myself. I just tell it to "shut up, I don't care about that because death is NOT an option ... so leave me alone".

It is perhaps only a temporary solution to a more pemanent problem ... but often the suicidal thoughts ... I mean when the urges get really bad, will pass if you manage to take your mind off of them ... and what better way than to cuddle your cat, walk your dog ... or heck .. just bawls your eyes out at them ... they don't care ... they still love you ... they still see you as the most important person in their whole wide world and they don't mind listening to you whine and cry and bitch for hours on end ... they just want you to "be" there for them. And in return they give you all their time, all their love and all their attention.

I really hope you find a way to carry on ... posting here sure is a good start ... and don't hesitate .. post and post and post ... you'll always find people who can understand what you are going through.




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