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Re: OCD or BP?katia snapper

Posted by katia on April 8, 2004, at 1:41:46

In reply to Re: OCD or BP?katia, posted by snapper on April 8, 2004, at 0:58:47

I see my doc next week and am going to throw out some ideas to him on possibly re-adding FXR to control my anxiety,panic and OCD-then possibly make another run with the Lam.
who knows ? time will tell. 2 yrs plus huh, I am sure you were most likely suffering emmensly for many years before finally being diagnosed and treated effectively,no?- I've been on this *crazy train for 14 yrs)!! Also just curious what would you say your major symptoms are or were that drove you mad and to get treatment!! I know thats a broad based question!
Just a general outline if you don't mind!!

Hi Snapper,
I'm flattered you're interested in hearing my story. Yes, you said it right - I suffered immensely for many many years, not knowing WHAT was wrong w/ me and hiding it away, even from myself (denial) and hiding it from others (shame) but not understanding any of it.

I'm 33 and only almost two years ago (summer of 01) did I seek treatment for depression. I do have a long story,but I'll try and be short b/c I'm tired! The first depression I can remember was when I was 11 - it was awful - questioning religion and the meaning of life. I went wild at 14 - went from a straight A student to the biggest rebel in the school. I think I experienced my first real manic/hypomanic episode when I was 17. I thought I'd just found the key to life mentally - life was my oyster and all that - I was out of control and high. Then I crashed into a real distinct depression six months later and didn't really come out since - other than the cycling of up and down - mainly mixed stuff. Depression being a BIG part of my history - all various degrees of it. I've had such a cyclical history in dealing w/ certain life circumstances coorelating w/ my highs and lows that I always assumed that it was circumstantial and not my mood swings. I've travelled all over the world - running away from it and also in "hypomanic" urges gets me to another country another job another love affair/boyfriend and always a crash.
Anyway, to try and be succinct, enough was enough about 6 years ago I got back into the country and started doing a lot of self-help stuff/therapy mediation, yoga, etc. healing herbs, energectic healings etc. hoping to find relief from my "demons" not understanding what I was going thru'. So enough of trying ALL there was to try short of a medical dx and meds, I ended up in another country w/ another boyfriend after giving up a job, my grad school, my place of living and had a big crash. BIG CRASH of an ending w/ him. Long long story, but I was a raving lunatic total mixed states severely depressed - wild. It was the worst time for me that summer. I came back from abroad and stayed at a friend's house during the breakup and pregnancy, which ended. I crawled around on the floor at all hours of the night howling, sobbing, scratching myself, not sleeping. I felt trully insane. And I still didn't get it that i was depressed. Many friends told me to get on ADs; which I eventually did. another story in itself. But something finally clicked in my brain that I needed help and I could find it. It's been like a second life to see my life thru' this different lens. Mind you, I spent an awful year on ADs that sent me spiralling hypomanic and zombie-like depressed. It wasn't working for me, finally I was dxed as BPII/Mixed and have been trying various MS since July.
That actually was the short version!
take care!
KAtia
p.s. what's your story?


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