Posted by Donna Louise on December 22, 2003, at 14:09:37
In reply to Re: When are meds justified? emotional flatness, posted by sip on December 22, 2003, at 2:45:13
> I just wanted to thank people for your thoughtful replies re: whether medication is justified when my depression is not severely impairing my life. I agree that I have a great deal to be grateful for. I have decided that this is a quality of life issue (as one poster pointed out) and I certainly have struggled with depression even if I have not been totally disabled by it. I am going to keep taking my meds and give it a chance. This brings me to a subtopic:
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> Maybe I should start a new thread for this, but rather then clutter board space, I wanted to note that as I enter my third week on Lexapro I have noticed that I have not been depressed at all. I have felt sad, lonely, somewhat anxious -- but in the past triggers for these feelings (and I've experienced these triggers in the past few weeks -- it's the bleepin' holidays!) led me to sort of drown in a vortex of despair. I would get sad or lonely in response to something and just get sucked into hopelessness. Instead I've just experienced my unpleasant feelings but sort of kept going on, if that makes sense. The world didn't seem like it was ending; I did not feel I was the most worthless loser on the planet. I took it moment by moment instead of generalizing and universalizing it into a statement about my worth as a person or the state of my life. So, yes, that's something wonderful.
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> However, I've noticed that my feelings seem less intense, or I'm further away from them. For one thing I haven't cried the entire time I've been on Lexapro and it just feels weird to me. Maybe I sound ridiculous. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. But I am kind of used to crying. I saw a movie this weekend and my friend was crying, the entire audience was sniffling, and ordinarily I would be as well. But there I was, completely dry eyed, sniffle-free.
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> Also, I am in the process of leaving a job to which I have strong emotional ties. I work with teenagers as a counselor and have developed strong relationships with some of the kids and with this job. I have been telling my kids about my departure. They are terribly sad (or angry, but that's another story) and I have been startled at my emotional apathy. I feel a little sadness, but I feel flattened. Maybe it's some defense and I'll feel the sadness of leaving when I'm ready, but it's so odd that even my work supervisor commented on it.
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> Is this normal? What I mean by this question is: is it more normal to go through you life not crying that much, feeling a little separate from your feelings, and I am just unsettled because I am not used to this? I guess everyone's norm is different; I am just discomfited that I don't have the same access to my emotions that I used to. That I feel less, and when I do it's at a bit of a distance.
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> Any feedback or opinions would be appreciated.
Wow, this is exactly how I have felt about loosing my feelings especially with Paxil. I have felt like a limb had been amputated or something, like I lost touch with my empathy and spirituality, like I lost a large part of who I am. I have wanted to still have my feelings of empathy and compassion, to be able to cry and also feel the ecstasy of great music. But the depression itself ultimately doesn't let me feel anything but hopelessness and despair. However! There is hope. The prozac for me does very little of the emotional flattening. I was actually crying with tears down my face the other day watching a glorious movie. I am really grateful to have some feelings and not be depressed. I am also on 150mg of lamictal and 100 of provigil and 20 of buspar. It seems like a ton of meds to me but I finally seem to be getting what I have been hoping for. Feelings without depression. Hope it lasts!
poster:Donna Louise
thread:289528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031219/msgs/292399.html