Posted by Barbara Cat on July 30, 2003, at 11:58:15
In reply to Barb-cat--oh how I know!!, posted by fluffy on July 30, 2003, at 11:02:10
Thanks my friends,
Your being there has been a real port in the storm. I was fighting off panic attacks all day yesterday and finally was able to take a nap in the afternoon, after not sleeping much the last few nights. Sure enough, just when I'm settling down for a nice rest - BOOM! I'm in the midst of a full blown panic attack. I HATE those things!! I can stand anything but not that smothering panic and terror!! No matter how many times I go through them and survive, the next one is never any easier. Can this be the nortriptyline withdrawal I thought I'd escaped? I am not going back to those shit bunging fat pills ever again. I'm almost willing to trade panic attacks for having some saliva again (no, on second thought). The next thing is doing what I can to settle my adrenals cause for whatever reason, this is a classic fight/flight response. My hubby was there for me througout and once again I feel grateful for him. He puts up with alot and the least I can do is listen to his interminable golf plays.
Katy, I know what you mean about August. You're the first person I know who feels that way as well. It just feels hot, bright and claustrophobic. I'd much prefer a nice soft rainy day. As you well know, moving is horribly stressful and you either feel it during or afterward. Don't know if you drink coffee. It's so tempting to use extra caffeine as fuel, but it's very depleting in the long run. I've stopped it since feeling this way and even tho I know it's better for me, the headaches are the pits.
As far as the question of are our responses real or a product of our disorder, I dunno, but our feelings sure are real and have to be respected. The trick is how to move through them without alienating everyone else around us. The problem is, during these times I generally don't have much love in my heart for most human beings. Animals, yes. People, no.
I do have a shrink but he's your typical HMO guy. He cares, but there's not alot he can do in our 20 minutes a month. I end up suggesting meds to him and right now I'm out of ideas.
Katia, you mentioned you have mixed states and I know Katy is also bipolar. I wonder if this wild torment is unique to our bipolar/mixed-states condition. I don't hear much about this form of 'depression', it's usually the blahs, no motivation, etc., instead of this fractured frightening stuff. Usually I can get by and maintain by meditation but try to meditate in this state and it's sure to bring on a panic. I guess I'll scrounge some klonopin out of my pdoc. We try one thing then another and they all poop out. My current valium works for an hour then I'm in alarm again. Klonopin is due for another round. Good luck to you as well and remember, sometimes you just need to cry. I have to watch it doesn't turn into wailing and thrashing cause it feeds on itself and gives me a headache and a swollen face. Writing in my journal seems to be the most helpful and only thing I can manage. May be even better than a shrink. - Barbara