Posted by zinya on July 24, 2003, at 18:22:18
In reply to Re: personal thoughts » zinya, posted by CherC68 on July 24, 2003, at 17:17:30
thanks, Cher, for being so willing to elaborate on such matters... i'm happy to be an ear and only wish i knew more to be able to have more of a familiarity with BPD, but i very much appreciate your giving examples and being so open... The only thing i would say about BPD is that, I hear you saying you feel like it fits but i know from my own experience that doctors will often glibly give labels to a diagnosis that may or may not be on target. I think it will be good for you to find a therapist who is already familiar with BPD, if possible, because you will be entering with that conviction and it would be really good if the therapist has a familiarity to help you confirm as well as have ideas about dealing with it. (Do i gather that you are saying the diagnosis of BPD came before any sexual assault? although i gather you might also be saying that certainly could have aggravated it?)
I TOTALLY agree with you about 'normal'. I've even said for years - and even to students as well - that i think the word and concept of 'normal' would be better not existing -- I think it does much more harm than good. I recall even before my misguided marriage, that long ago, using a sort of mantra to myself that i would 'joke' about that i was happily abnormal cuz who wanted to be 'normal' !! AH, if ONLY i had really believed that deep down. It was more of a 'cover' and wish that i would feel that way. But it took certainly all the years of that marriage and probably double that before i even remotely began to strip away (and still stripping) layers of external expectations i had internalized ...
boy, i read your exploits (! :) standing up for yourself and others in fights and think more than ever i was such a 'wimp' growing up -- i had a LOT of fears ... and even both a physical imbalance (apparently inner ear injury from a car accident at age 6) plus fears probably triggered by the accident itself that may have been why i never even learned to ride a bike. I was too "unstable" physically and it was but one of a lot of senses of fear. I covered them all up though and pretended to be socially at ease though i lived in terror of such things as somebody wanting me to go bike-riding with them. With swimming i had a similar early scare -- and come to think of it, it had a bit of the element of what happened when that shrink came in and abruptly slapped down your 3 meds. One summer, the year after our auto accident, we moved to a new city to 'start over' and with all-new friends i was in a swimming class, already older than others cuz i'd been sort of shuttled during the year of my parents' recovering from the auto accident - both had nearly died ... (but me in the back seat only bounced my head against the roof - and only later discovered that inner-ear result) Anyway, this very abrupt swim coach would pick us up in the air, tell us to pretend we were airplanes and then he would "launch" us into the water. Well, it kind of terrified me. I couldn't admit to any of those terrors, but i just avoided swimming and diving ... took me til my 30's before i finally dedicated myself to learning to really swim .. and loving it.
Well, that probably doesn't seem like a parallel and probably isn't, but that thing of abruptness and lack of thought for how a child is processing things which so many adults, even now, engage in -- which can make kids feel very disrespected, and retreat inside themselves.
Your 4-yr-old memory still intrigues me. Somehow i sensed you were the oldest, and i wonder how secure you felt in the family at the time. It's soooo common for oldest kids to feel insecure in the face of a second child coming along 2 yrs later and seeming to take away their sense of connection to their parents. Seems like so many possibilities of what could have triggered your sense of panic. Was that the "first" such panic? And did they then start to become periodic 'attacks'?
Again, don't feel anything i ask you requires answering, but these are (some of) my thoughts ... and more hugs and good wishes!
love,
zinyap.s. btw, i sense that you are also so sensitive to and internalizing your parents' worries -- even without this latest one with your dad -- but the economic concerns and that too is surely a kind of "background noise" adding another layer of anxiety i bet you're taking on at some level ... That cannot be easy either.
poster:zinya
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030723/msgs/244973.html