Posted by Daphnis on July 24, 2003, at 21:54:53
In reply to Re: KDI, didn't know you felt this way » mercedes, posted by KimberlyDi on July 24, 2003, at 17:06:20
This is so intense! How do you all keep up? I am trying not to feel inadequate to this cool new thing I have found! But it's hard to know how to deal. Nine hours of work, and all I wanted to do was see what was here, and I've read tons and there are still 25 messages. I guess perfectionism is talking, eh? OK Progress, not perfection! I will make some responses and if I am too tired I will come back tomorrow.
Midgie, you say miniscule doses. Do you break tabs?? I was excited to read that. :)
is "imo" a person or an abbreviation?
about friends who "should" on you: As you change, it is OK to change friends. It's a good sign to be taking care of yourself and setting some boundaries and making choices as to who you will spend precious time and energy on. I have had to do that too. It isn't easy or fun, but it does help.
About "small talk" at the reunion and the incredibly horrible question, "So what are you doing now?" (My immediate panic over trying to sound legitimate and worthy of living and adequate and to cover up all traces of my self-loathing and underachieving). I realized when I read your post that it's not really "small talk" at all, but huge talk!! all the negative self talk starts up then! Ironic. It's like all this stuff is much MORE REAL than the so-called "real world".
Yes, I read Woititz in the early 90's. Either a counselor, or AL-anon person, or the Adult Children of Alcoholics group I was in turned me on to many books. Read Struggle For INtimacy, too. and love Bradshaw, too. But it is still a long long road from the head to the heart!
Zinya, you mentioned frustration. That's a huge problem with me. Sends me into a spiral down. I want to do so much too much all the time. Have huge impossible expectations of myself, and always feel behind and inadequate. I read somewhere, maybe in "EVERYDAY SACRED" that it was just the scarcity model of time. Made sense. since the scarcity model rules my life!
Cher, you're not a freak. I'm not crazy, and none of us are worthless. Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. I sure identified with your saying you spent 40 years mostly unhappy. I had a lot of highs, too, but mostly I look back and feel a sense of waste. All those years. I hate going to Dr's. too. I get sick of analyzing, too. AA says, "Sick and tired of being sick and tired."
I also say a lot to myself "This, too, shall pass." It took many years to learn that the feelings that were so bad were not forever. I try to eat right (and usually fail) sleep enough (often fail) and even remember to breathe better! sounds crazy, but if it's chemical, I figure the tension keeps me from breathing the way I was designed to breathe! and chemmical reactions need Oxygen. I also try to remember that I want to live in the solution and not in the problem and that helps my focus. But I am a real "awfulizer"!
Susan, dreams help me a lot, and often I am not aware of them. when I dream, things are better. I can't drink coffee after 3 or even noon, but I do, sometimes, and then am really sorry at 3 A.M.
And in the morning I need three cups to get really going, like someone else said. I have given it up before...It is supposed to interfere with the Serotonin response, as is Aspartame, they say. I am sort of addicted to both, unfortunately. I am a really addictive type.
the talk of adrenalin interests me. Years ago my brother in law gave me some ritalin for depression. Of course, I broke the pills in quarters or less, and had ten pills for over three years! But I sure loved how it worked. I know it wasn't the best idea. I guess it affects the adrenaline.
OK...I saw the addiction filter option here and may have to use it. I am trying to allow myself the joy of this for a few days and not should on myself or shame myself for being totally into it! Daph