Posted by Ponder on March 29, 2003, at 15:29:45
In reply to Re: Adding, substracting, wishing and hoping » Ponder, posted by catmint on March 29, 2003, at 2:26:46
> Ponder,
> My sentiments exactly! I am on Lamictal for BPII, and still continue to cycle, and I ask myself the same thing, am I really better on meds? I also do massive amounts of yoga and exercise, some meditation, which are truly life savers and I would have to say I am doing much better, but my gosh, it is so hard feeling so intensely all the time!!
> My pdoc is the same way, ready to prescribe what I tell him I think I need (this last time it was Trileptal added to the Lam, but now I am reconsidering). Of course benzos are out of the question!
> I am frustrated as heck having this illness, but we must remember that not only is there two things going on here, depression and mania, but also our distinct personalities like how stubborn we are, or how stuck we are in the past, what disgust us, and what angers us.
> For all that there is psychotherapy, but ya know, you have to find a good one, and who can afford it nowadays?
> My pdoc says that most bipolars do better on meds because the older we get, the worse the cycles become, but do I believe him?
> I have been known to be non-compliant and last summer I thought I was cured! LOL. This fall, I decided to go back on meds, and now it is back to dealing with side effects, worrying that Lamictal might not be that great as monotherapy, and wondering if I can keep my relationships healthy.
> I'm trying to meditate more regularly, which keeps me IN THE MOMENT (which is all there really is).
> Ponder, thanks for your post, take care and hope to hear from you again,
> and now.. I ponder... do we really exist??
> ::AmyAmy,
You're keeping your relationships healthy? What a concept! I figure my relationships would be just fine if only I weren't in them. :-)Yes, the overlap of illness and character has always fascinated me. After all, there are bipolar people who would be difficult and dysfunctional even if they were totally cured of their organic brain condition, then there are extraordinarily brave, generous, selfless people who manage to pretty much keep it together for their friends and families even though they are repeatedly tossed into the jaws of the monster through no fault of their own.
Over the years I've become frustrated with psychotherapists because they seem to think that therapy should be an endless process, that if you don't get better, it's YOUR fault (their skills and abilities are never in question - no accountability), and if you disagree with any of that, you are simply resisting and in denial. OK, and I'm supposed to write a check for how much for that?
Sorry for the rant and negativity. As you can tell, I'm a little frustrated and put out with the current system of care-providers and treatment modalities available to us. This has gone on for so many years. When I learned the other day that schizophrenia is NOT progressive as bipolar is, my childish reaction was "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!" Oh, man. I gotta get this attitude in check.
Anyway, thanks for the response. I see my p-doc April 8. Maybe I can figure something out by then, or cycle to a better place. In the meantime, I feel doubly bad for my self-pity when so many are suffering from the current violence in the world. That's one thing I truly dislike about depression; it turns a person so inward.
poster:Ponder
thread:208531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030329/msgs/214105.html