Posted by japonica on March 19, 2003, at 11:11:30
In reply to Re: Newbie, Majour Depression, doc woes, Celexa..., posted by lady fever on March 16, 2003, at 0:47:01
Oh no lady fever you most assuredly are not crazy, irresponisible or losing your mind. Your post, while lengthy, was extremely organized indicating your thoughts are lucid. You didn't ramble aimlessly. Your concern and awareness of your child show your desire to do the right thing and your acceptance of your responsibilities.
As a lifelong sufferer of a bipolar II condition (I experience extreme lows but only moderate highs;I'm now 42)I can attest to the severe debilitating nature of this illness. I was a cutter 25 years ago before the condition was named and recognized. Talk about frightening. I was unable to articulate my reasons for harming myself. Others assumed I was attempting suicide (I was not) and couldn't even succeed at that. That was the attitude expressed to me by some, including family members. I now recognize it as my way of contolling something in my otherwise out of control life. Something similar to Anorexia.
I no longer spend time with the psychiatic community. I've had way too many bad and damaging experiences with these folks. I work with my GP to find the right medications. I've tried going off them in the past with the attitude that I ought to be able to do this on my own now that I'm back on feet only to end up having an even more depressive episode. I now intend to take my meds as long as I'm not having any horrible reactions to them. I'm now on Effexor XR (75mg.) for 5 months. I will see my doctor this Saturday to increase my dosage and augment with Topomax (also known as dope-o-max :) it's a mood stabilizer) My moods are cycling very rapidly and I've gone from 103 lbs. to 127lbs. I'm hoping the Topomax will help. My doctor knows I research my med selections carefully and she allows me to make recommendations. I typically print info for her which helps her in her decisions. I may be on them all my life. That's ok. I'll do what I must to not only survive but to feel the pleasure I'm entitled to.
I understand your need to sleep and escape. I fight it constantly as I have 2 children, a full time job, and am a part time student. I am recently divorced from a verbally and pschologically abusive husband who used my mental illness to threaten me. He was going to have me declared unfit (there has never been any truth to this) and take my children. In my fear of my illness I beleived him. I woke up one day and decided to fight back. I now have my children who are healthy, happy, talented, and calmer now that Dad is out of the house. Even the dog feels better. As for the need to escape, sometimes I just let myself. My children are older now and do not require the attention your youngster needs. When mine were younger, I sometimes relied on a neighbor for some relief. My husband was rarely reliable.
Try not to allow the negative voice in your head to win out over your thoughts. I know it sounds trite but take it easy on yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you seem to be to others. Keep plugging away, give yourself credit for the smallest of achievemnets. You *will* feel better. Unfortunately you may need to learn to ride the wave so to speak.
Please keep in mind these are my personal experiences. I don't mean to suggest that there are no good pdocs out there or that what you're experiencing is a lifelong condition. Do take care of yourself and seek help where you can find it. We are all here for each other and our numbers are vast. You are not alone.
Thanks to all who take the time to post here.