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Re: Newbie, Majour Depression, doc woes, Celexa... » lady fever

Posted by Ilene on March 16, 2003, at 10:39:47

In reply to Newbie, Majour Depression, doc woes, Celexa..., posted by lady fever on March 15, 2003, at 22:08:38

Yes. Nearly all of this is famiiliar. I don't have panic attacks, and I have a problem w/ eating too much, not too little. I don't have severe reactions to most meds. I don't cut, I don't smoke. (Nicotine is known to "help" people w/ mood disorders. There's a thread about it here somewhere.)

I've had some better days recently. I think they are because I am on Lamictal, but who knows. I think I was never diagnosed correctly, that I'm actually bipolar instead of unipolar. Lamictal is an anti-seizure drug that's being used as a mood stabilizer & AD.

My dad is dying, and I have see him soon. He lives 3000 miles from me. Is throwing me off.

If I lived alone I would be much worse. My family situation keeps me afloat a little better. My husband pays the bills, my kids are older. The kids are on their own most of the time. I spend most of the time in escapism. Otherwise I can't concentrate. For some reason I can post messages on the internet to people who share my disabilities. I can hardly do the most routine chores, but I can make it to the grocery store and do some cooking most weeks. Laundry piles up, the floors are nasty, there are papers everywhere. My only motivation is guilt.

I don't know if I've experienced depersonalization. I sometimes feel like I'm not attached to the rest of the world. It's not as if the world is unreal, but I can hardly pay attention to it.

I have a good relationship with my pdoc. I think she would call *me* if I missed an appt. Lucky, I guess. I can hardly pick up the phone for anything else. I can hardly pick up the phone to call someone I don't know.

Whoever told you if you were depressed you wouldn't forget your appts. is completely uninformed and shouldn't be telling people what to do.

The county services are probably stretched to their limit. You may not come across as sick as you are, because when you are at your worst you hide in the house.

From what people have said, if you go to the ER and tell them you are suicidal, they will want to hospitalize you. If you *don't* tell them they will try to blow you off. Bring the xanax bottle w/ you so they will know you've been getting it.

I adhere to a "don't ask, don't tell" rule about suicidal ideation, so I've avoided being hospitalized. I also have a more structured life, which keeps me functioning a little better.

Have you been to the ER before? If you have health insurance you should be able to get care.

Having unsupportive friends and family is sucky but familiar. I know it's hard to communicate with people.

Is your ex of any use? Can he act as an intermediary? Sometimes the utility companies and so on will work something out if you manage to explain the situation. Possible the hospital has a social worker or case manager who can step in. (Yeah, I know, hardly likely.)

Even if you lose custody of your son you may be able to regain it once you are stable.

Please post if you can.

--I.


> Hi, I'm new here.
>
> The past 8 months have been extremely odd, and since I've received NO help from my doctor (I've been dropped by 3 psychiatrists this year, for missing appts that they couldn't seem to understand was related to my depression, which has been, at times, so debilitating I didn't even keep track of the month or go anywhere for weeks, and my GP moved, then they closed their entire practice, our county is in trouble because of the HMO's, and 70% of the doctor's have declared bankruptcy, we are ALL having trouble with medical care).
>
> I've suffered with panic disorder for years, and that was finally completely stabilized with Xanax 4 mg per day, sometimes I have gone as low as 2 mgs, the panic was SEVERE, and resulted in 6 months of agorophobia and depersonalization that wouldn't quit. It's literally a miracle for me. The only problem is I've had to increase my dosage, and I'm a bit drowsy, but I've been on it for 6 years, and while there's a definate physical withdrawal, I've never even once abused it or craved it. I don't take any drugs or drink, smoke or even drink coffee, so my personality type is very non-addictive.
>
> I am in my 20's, with a 4 year old, single mom, and not able to be employed any longer due to my depression. Also, my child's father now takes him more and more, and with good reason, I can't seem to focus on playing with him, or anything really. Many horrible escapist behaviors, to try to drown out the constant anhedonia and now misery that I feel. I've had depression before, but never anything like this.
>
> About 8 months ago I started finding myself begging off work, and being irritable. Started seeking psychiatric help for mood swings (my family doc used to prescribe my Xanax). Diagnosed with Depression. Now my doctor refuses to see me, since I've missed 3 appointments in 6 months of being steady once a week with him, and he won't even return my phone calls, or fill my prescription! I called my crisis intervention county line and they told me it would be at least a week before I could get help, unless I went to the ER. I guess come Monday when I run out of meds, I'm going to be at the ER. How can a doctor be so negligent with a medication? I have nothing against Xanax, but the doctor is not good in my book. Also, I keep taking it very personally that he won't see me. I only PRESUME it's for missed appointments... he never told me why it was technically. My self-esteem is very very low right now, and he's really done a number on it. He did this to me right after my grandfather passed away as well, which only compounding things. What an ***hole.
>
> The depression has been so bad for the last 2 months that I have not cleaned my house in probably four months. I don't notice time passing. I went from daily showering to showering twice a week at most (I have literally NEVER done this before). I have yet to send out all the Christmas presents I bought. I've stopped eating except very very occasionally, and have lost 15 lbs, and I was already rail-thin. No pleasure in anything. No sex drive whatsoever, yet keep seeking casual sex. Sometimes I'll spend 16 hours online, just to escape how I feel. Engaged in cutting myself this year, and started smoking, which is weird, I don't smoke and never have, and suddenly I CRAVE cigarettes strongly. I no longer socialize, though before this I worked as a model. No one notices because my family lives in Canada, and my friends do not live close by whatsoever. There's laundry that's been piled up since December, bills that get overlooked and never paid, services shut off. I've stopped cooking, and grocery shopping. I have no energy. I cannot concentrate on anything, not even a kid's book, or a cartoon. I cry CONSTANTLY and feel worthless (for years I never cried at all). It's like everything is INCREDIBLY difficult. Even the most minor task, like getting up to get dressed. I'm not tired, yet I sleep a lot to escape. My son is well cared for, but mainly since his father tries to care for him. He is LOVED, but I feel no joy, though I can still feel love for him.
>
> So yesterday I found some Celexa samples, and took 15 mg's, and I actually feel slightly better already, which sounds odd, but I'm seriously medication reactive. I've previously taken Remeron, Zoloft, Doxepin, Elavil, Neurontin, Trazadone, and once they tried Lithium. Horribly reactions to all, except I could tolerate 10 mgs Elavil and stayed on that for a year (baby dose). Now I'm having SEVERE physical side effects, but I woke up this morning and felt a little happy, and forget two doses of Xanax in a row?! That absolutely does not ever happen. Right now, from the 15 mgs of Celexa, I'm having: very strong lockjaw feeling, grinding my teeth, rest of my muscles are clenched, bad headache, mild nausea, tight throat, feel like I'm on speed, but I slept fantastically even with this feeling last night (I also take ambien 20 mgs per night for years and years, and can say NOTHING bad about it, my tolerance to tranquillizers is naturally high, just my luck, and it takes a lot of them to sedate me), and my heart is beating laboured, so that I can't stand up, feel heavy, and I'm having really bad noticeable headrushes, presume my blood pressure has dropped? I'm also very shaky.
>
> I probably sound like a total hypochondriac, though that's one of the few things I am not, lol...
>
> What do you do when you're on this rough a road? How do you handle the side effects of drugs? Does anyone else have REALLY severe medication side effects? I am child-sized, so sometimes I wonder if that has to do with it (I'm a size 1, 92 lbs). I could never take recreational drugs for the same reason, too susceptible to their effects. Has anyone else experienced depression this severe? I was in a mental hospital once for my derealization problems, and I was pretty out of it, until they increased my Xanax, and remember faintly one man who was in a stupor. I'm starting to feel like that guy. I don't think so much about suicide as I do just ending the pain, and feel ashamed of how I've become. Do other people identify with this? My rational mind isn't gone. It's just hard to reach. And lastly, what do you do when you are so depressed that it's hard to reach out for help, especially when doors are shutting in your face from professionals, and it makes you feel unbearable, even when I called the County Line, the guy told me if I was depressed I wouldn't forget appointments, which just plain terrified me (to top things off my phone has been shut off save within a 12 mile radius, and I don't have the money to pay it, so calling Dr's has been difficult, though I've been using a calling card). I'm terrified of suddenly running out of my Xanax cold after 6 years of missing only a few doses. Will the ER be of any help if I do? At least my family takes care of my health insurance after I forgot to pay that on time too... seriously, some days I feel like I have Alzheimer's, I'm in such a fog.
>
> Please offer your experiences, thoughts, support, on any of these matters, and I will be truly grateful. Please help me feel a little less crazy. I'm scared of all this, and feeling out of control, though not panicking. Scared of losing my child or winding up in a mental hospital or losing my house. Previous to this I was making a large sum of money, was about to buy a house, had a good career (between fashion modelling and my "day job"), was married, and very social. Things couldn't be more different for me now. I feel dead, and everything's been lost, my saving's is gone, as is my career, and I feel like I'm losing myself as well, but can't seem to stop any of it, no matter how hard I try to just "pull myself up by my bootstraps."
>
> And everytime I ask for help from friends, I run away if they give me any. I think I'm afraid of hurting the people I love, as many of them HAVE gone away due to my recent problems, which seem to mainly frighten them. Likewise my family.


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poster:Ilene thread:209545
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030314/msgs/209666.html