Posted by katekite on May 5, 2002, at 10:22:21
In reply to Re: Ugly.., posted by LiLAngelJenna on May 4, 2002, at 18:06:59
I'm glad you are finding us helpful.
Your brother being 16, I have to say, is about the worst age he could be, because he's old enough where he can think of really witty things to say and old enough where he can control what he says around his friends and people he wants to like him. At the same time, the 'stupid kid' is still in there and his sister is the easiest person to take out all his insecurities on. Beating you up emotionally makes him feel smart and good looking. Its the very essence of a bully.But the point here is not so much that he's insecure and being mean, as that you are in control here. I saw a sign once that said, 'they only control us if they make us angry'. So the ticket out with your brother is to learn to make a distinction between what he says and what the truth is. One trap is getting caught up in caring what the outcome is, like thinking, well next time I will say 'that is immature' (or something else).... because you can't control for what his reaction is, and he will often come up with some witty remark that makes you feel terrible. And he knows you care.... otherwise he wouldn't have chosen this topic to upset you on. You're not going to be able to convince him of anything. Not that he's mean, not that anything. But if you accept that he is mean in this area, that for whatever reason his sick 16 year old head just does this, if you can accept that he may always be like this, forever... then you can start to believe in yourself. It won't get easy, but it might get easier. I'm not suggesting forgiving him -- its pretty unforgivable.
One other thing that I probably shouldn't even suggest is the concept of an open and predisclosed consequence. For example, you could tell him that it really hurts you when he makes comments about your looks, sarcastic or nasty comments hurt you, and that you have asked him many times to stop and he apparently won't. That to you every time he says something it is like he is breaking a piece of you. That you know he probably doesn't understand but that from now on there will be a consequence every time he says something mean, in fact every time he even mentions your looks. What would he be comfortable with the consequence being? He will argue that there should be no consequence for the truth, etc, that its a free country etc.... You can argue back that in this house there are certain rules you all follow to live together peacefully and you are about to make one, whether he likes it or not. For example, every time he makes a comment you could respond by breaking a CD of his. Or something he values equally.
That could really escalate things, you might want to really get your mom on your side before hand, or might not want to do it at all if it seems like he would just go break all your possessions. Depends on how out of control he is. A nice person would at this point realize how upsetting their comments are and agree to some rules. At least I believe anyone with a shred of decency would.
Also, the only way to do this is if you can have the detachment of a parent in carrying out the consequence.... you can't do it outwardly happily or for revenge (although it will feel good), because the point is not to go back to a junior high frame of mind but to make a simple consequence for him that he can understand because he himself is not mature enough to understand without it.
I'm not sure what others on the board think about that? Will it backfire? Is something like that an option or will it escalate things?
kate
poster:katekite
thread:104973
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020503/msgs/105149.html