Posted by BarbaraCat on March 20, 2002, at 1:02:06
In reply to BCat - a question 4 U !! » BarbaraCat, posted by Janelle on March 19, 2002, at 23:59:36
Hi Janelle,
Thanks for reminding me of this. I've been thinking about it and it's a very interesting question because my days can change alot depending on how I'm feeling. We talked a bit about how important structure is for us. I can waste alot of time very easily, especially if my energy is low. I might read, if something interests me. I don't watch much TV since we don't have cable. I play the piano and flute, but it takes me being in a very good place to play music, otherwise it just sounds awful and I end up criticising myself. I like to do craft type things. I used to do rubber stamping and paper artsy things, but haven't felt the creative urge in a while. I have alot of craft materials in our garage, but just don't feel like making the effort. Like I mentioned, they become an excuse to get down on myself cause I can't get interested or my mind won't make connections and I forget where I put the scissors and then get frustrated.How can I explain this? It's like I'm stuck in between go and stop. I have alot of fretful energy bound up inside, but don't have the clarity or energy to do anything with it. I get anxious alot about all I should be doing. There seems to always be so much clutter to take care of and I get easily overwhelmed. Lately I've been stressing about taxes and have been trying to file taxes for the past 5 years because I was usually so crazed and depressed during tax time and the whole thing is so stressful anyway. So 'they' caught up with me and I'm pushing myself to get all the old receipts together - ugh - I hate thinking about it. If I'm feeling really good I'll take a walk or work in the garden if it's nice, or play my music. I really have alot of interests and talents when my brain is working. Sometimes even when I feel good , though, I have a hard time with self discipline.
The really bad times are when I can't get out of bed and can't sleep because I'm so wound up and anxious about how I'm going to survive with this disorder. My body hurts and my thoughts are filled with disaster and worry and doom. It's like I have an antenna that only picks up the horror channel. I went through one of these bad times back in early December through early February. I totally isolate myself because I feel so fragile and feel like people will think I'm weird. I'm so sensitive during the hard times. I worry endlessly about my cats getting squashed on our quiet road. No reassurance gets through, my brain is stuck on sad. I just have to wait until it passes, but when I'm in the midst of it I never believe it will pass. I lose faith and trust in everything. And then it passes and I pray it lasts.
>
> Don't know if you noticed my follow-up message to you a bit further above in this thread - sometimes it gets hard to distinguish messages within threads. Anyway, I shared some of my experiences that are similar to yours and asked you what do YOU do during the day since you are not working? Just curious. (I mention what little I do in my note above)
> Thanks!
> -Janelle
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:98599
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020318/msgs/98964.html