Posted by allisonm on February 14, 2001, at 2:30:05
In reply to Re: Depression and Relationships, posted by Richard on February 13, 2001, at 20:31:21
Dear Richard,
I feel badly for you. It sounds as though you are a very thoughtful and understanding person.
Having depression can be difficult to say the least, but adding the stresses that your lady has had since you met her would jolt anyone. It sounds as though she could be going through several changes all at once, which can feel like loss. You may need to give her space to grieve.
It's hard enough to lose someone, but losing one while battling depression -- even if it's temporary(?) such as her father's leaving the state can be a terrible blow. If her father is her rock, she's lost a major source of nearby familial support. It sounds as though her grandmother is failing. Was she close to her? That could be another impending loss that she's feeling.
Turning 40 is another milestone; her childbearing years are coming to an end. I just turned 39 and am feeling this as well. Depending upon her attitude toward her age, could be a source of grief for a (perceived) loss of youth.
If she just turned 40, she probably had her daughter when she was 19, which isn't too far off from 21. She may be having strong feelings about her own experiences as a young mother. Also, this means the relationship with her daughter will be changing. Her daughter will be a mother and she will be a grandmother. I've not had children, but I can remember when my best friend started having children, I felt jealous and somewhat abandoned because I knew our friendship would never be the same. She wouldn't be as free to spend time with me; her life would change forever. Assuming the living arrangements stay the same, the prospects of having an infant in her house also might be quite unsettling for your lady.
Lots of change. Lots of possible feelings of loss. It is important to be there to listen to her talk out her feelings. I have found my most valuable resources are my friends who understand how I am feeling and who are willing to listen to me. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but she may be feeling pressure there, too. Deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone is a big decision -- especially when the other major relationships in her life are changing as much as they are.
I would give her what she asks -- space, a sympathetic ear, no pressure, time to think, time to grieve for these life changes, but also love and understanding.
Does she have a therapist? If so, this person might help her sort out all of these feelings. If not, I'm not sure how you would go about suggesting it. I have suggested to friends in distress that maybe it would help if they talked to someone (ie, counselor, therapist) about what they were feeling. But that could be a very touchy, off-putting subject.
Good luck.
Allison
poster:allisonm
thread:11168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010212/msgs/53945.html