Posted by Rach on June 24, 2000, at 22:19:11
In reply to Re: my heavy heart - Rach, posted by Deb R on June 20, 2000, at 4:24:52
I just want to give you all an update, and reiterate what I have said in my posts to everyone (sorry about the double posts, by the way). Thank you to everyone who has given me support, encouragement, advice, love and strength. Words are so little - they could never have the power enough to convey to you all how uplifted you have all made me feel, just by knowing that you are there, and thinking of me.
After my last exam, I let go. My 'dam' was no longer serving me properly, and it was such a strain to keep trying to hold all that pain inside of me. I cried. Actually, that is a bit of an understatement. I sobbed, I sniffled, I hacked, I weeped, I went through every type of crying (and laughter) that is imaginable. I was extremely lucky to have an understanding, loving boyfriend who sat through it all with me. As I cried, I spoke, more to myself than to him, about why I was crying - what it was that I had shut up in that dam so long ago. It just blurted out in drips and downpours, and I now have a greater understanding of the cause of my depression. A lot of it had to do with guilt about different deaths that had happened at various stages in my life. I am feeling so much more bouyant now, not being weighted down by my guilt and sadness. I feel hopeful that after resting for a few weeks, and taking steps to relieve my guilt and sadness, that I will fully understand my depression and be able to recover.
Yes Todd, I now am flowing. I feel happier than I have in a long time, and so relaxed and full of acceptance of myself. Being only 19, a lot of my guilt comes from being only very young when people I loved died, and I am beginning to understand that the situations I feel so guiltly about should not have brought about guilt because I had no control - 'It was not my fault'.
So thank you again. I wish you all love, happiness and peace, and that if one day you need it, there will be people around you to comfort you, love you unconditionally, respect you, and aid you in loving yourself. This is a very special, beautiful group of people here.
Hugs to you all.
RachP.S. As I am on holidays now, I won't be on the net as much. I will pop on from time to time to see how everyone is going, but if you do not hear from me for a while, don't get worried - I'm just enjoying my holidays!
poster:Rach
thread:37595
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000619/msgs/38307.html