Posted by me-but-not-me on May 31, 2000, at 20:48:13
Hello fellow babblers…
I guess I just need a little commiseration or something...I know I am not alone but somehow my brain will not believe me. I just can't live like this anymore.
I am a woman, early 30's, have posted here in the past. I have mostly been 'ghosting' the board for the past few months, but I do read the topics here and appreciate you all.
*sigh*... Okay. I am on several different meds to treat my depression and anxiety. I am actually hypo-manic at times, and it gets worse as I get older, but I am still not on a mood stabilizer. I am lucky that I have no side effects from the meds (none! can you believe that?!) and they keep me from killing myself and being totally misanthropic, but I still can't seem to DO anything. They seem to just barely keep my head above water, and I do mean just barely. I still spend every waking hour that I don't have to be at work (and some that I should!) lying flat in bed, unable to move from the weight of my thoughts.
I am 'coasting' at a job that I don't like (and that does not use my talents or challenge me in any way) because they are good enough not to fire me when I just can't bear to get out of bed and come to work. I am down to 20 hours a week and still can't seem to get 'with it'. I can't even bear the thought of looking for real employment.
And here is the reason that I need to post here anonymously: I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about this. I live in total squalor. And I hate it. No, this is not just messy ... it's disgusting. I don't know why but about 8 months ago I stopped 'being able' to take out my trash. I don't have to go through it or anything, I just cannot make myself drag it up the two floors in my building and take it out. I have mounds of mostly-empty cat food cans (you can imagine the stench), empty food containers, and anything else you can think of. My toilet is hopelessly clogged, and I can't call the manager to help because I am sure I would be evicted. I can't even tell you how I have been going to the bathroom at home. My shower curtain fell down about 7 months ago and I just shower (when I do shower) without it, which I think is rotting the floor. Even my bed is stacked with empty pizza boxes and mail that I just can't bear to open. I can't even sleep there. My entire apartment smells like a dump, it makes me sick to go in there. I have a fruit fly infestation. I feel so guilty because I have 3 pets and I can hardly clean up after them, they deserve better than me but I love them so much and I don't have anyone else to be close to, so I can't get rid of them. I just can't clean anything. It makes no sense and I HATE how filthy my apartment is but I feel like I am crawling through wet cement just to get out of bed, let alone actually clean the overwhleming mess that has become my apartment. I don't have many friends (oooh, big surprise there!), and certainly none I could ask to help me dig out of this mess. No family either - the ones I still talk to (and even the ones I don't) live 3,000 miles away. I moved here to get away from them (yes, abuse stories out the kazoo, yadda yadda yadda. I'll spare you.)
And this is how I am when I am fully compliant on meds! I shudder to think what I will be like when I can no longer afford them - my insurance is ending and I have hoarded enough meds to last me 6 months by telling my rather inept doc that I take much more than I actually do. I can't afford therapy on a regular basis. I feel like such a hopeless basket-case! I have gained so much weight on these meds, and I know lots of you know how that is. That does NOTHING for my self-esteem and further hinders me in trying to get out of the house. I used to teach aerobics a few years back, and now I am growing out of my 'fat' clothes. What a vicious and pathetic cycle…
I am quite sorry this was so long a post, but -- I can't talk to anyone else. I don't know what to do. What DOES a person do in this situation? I am already on so many meds, and my doctor is little more than a prescription pad. He is absolutely no help. And I won't have insurance after this month anyway. I can't afford therapy now with how few hours I am working. I feel like I can't see any solutions and I am sinking further into the pit…
Thank you for reading my whiny, long-winded note. Please, if you have any ideas… if you have been there and have been able to get out of it, PLEASE give me some hope! I can't take this much longer. I don't mean suicide. I just really don't have anyone, and I feel so alone. I can't stand having my life be like this, and I want to change, dammit! But I have no idea how.
* sigh *…
poster:me-but-not-me
thread:35441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000526/msgs/35441.html