Posted by Mark H. on April 27, 2000, at 10:48:58
In reply to Re: Todd's writing Lithium, posted by Todd on April 27, 2000, at 0:24:19
Hi BJ,
I'm struggling with some of the same issues, although I'm committed to remaining on my meds as long as they make things better rather than worse, which I expect to be for the rest of my life..
I want to throw a dark consideration into the mix. I've made it to 50 without killing myself or anyone else. But I'm beginning to understand that I really don't deal with anger at all. I seem to have two main settings, at least on the "hot" side of anger: zero (or close to it) and full rage. It's disappointing to learn this about myself, but hopefully it will be useful.
I'm told by non-beginners in this area that it gets better as one practices expressing SMALL irritations and venting SMALL amounts of anger in short bursts, learning to let it go after expressing. At this point, I have to suspend my strong disbelief that this is even possible.
Sue and I "practiced" exchanging small irritations after her therapy session on Tuesday night. It actually did help seem to free up some energy. But by the next morning, after tortured dreams of abandonment and rage all night long, I awoke afraid and angry and upset and thought, "how the heck is this supposed to make our already good relationship even better? This sucks!"
So I took it up (quite angrily) with my therapist in group last night and wound up yelling at him at the top of my lungs, virtually deaf with rage. He handled it skillfully (I'm not violent or destructive) and the strange thing for me was that I actually did feel better -- at a physical level -- this morning. I'm such a baby in this area. But I still could not come up with any examples of "small irritations."
I think I'm groping here, but something in your post elicits my wanting to say that part of my depression may have developed because the only way I knew how to control myself when I was younger was to stuff the rage. Even though I have a lot more skills after many, many years of therapy, I still worry that opening that Pandora's box will release something I can't handle. Ugh.
I think this is my least coherent posting in a long time. If it doesn't make any sense, please forgive me. I love Todd's managed mania -- his lyrical, sweet madness contains many of the things I value most in people.
Mark H.
poster:Mark H.
thread:30376
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000420/msgs/31457.html