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To DEB with LOVE

Posted by Todd on April 26, 2000, at 18:23:56

In reply to not doing so well..., posted by Deb R on April 25, 2000, at 0:01:02

Deb, my dear Deb,
I don't even know you but I feel my eyes welling up with love and compassion as I type this to you. Did you read my post above, "there are no accidents?" You seem to me to be very guilt-stricken about the post regarding your mother's suicide attempt - It seems as though you are feeling that you are dishonoring her name and that from somewhere up above she is frowning on you for even thinking to post such a remark. YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG!

I would guess that you have a lot of anger towards your mother built up inside that you either will not admit, or you will not validate as being appropriate or "right." And I would go on to say that anytime you feel angry towards anyone, you feel that you are a bad person. I am really going out on a limb here, but I do so because I have been through the same thing in different ways. IT IS NOT WRONG TO BE ANGRY! You can love someone and still have feelings of anger towards them - the two are not mutually exclusive. Acknowledge your feelings of anger, don't hold them down. Once you acknowledge, you can let go when you are ready.

I really and truly believe we are all born innocent. We are born, fresh from the heavens, with an intent to be the best we can be. How can anyone claim, beyond the most criminal elements in society, that they try to do their worst at all times? Because we, from birth to childhood, are so completely dependent on our parents for support, survival, and guidance, we come to adopt their perceptions of us as the reality. If our parents scold too much, or break our will, or tell us that we are "bad," in our core we will believe that and do whatever we have to do to win their love and approval. These modes of behavior are completely valid and appropriate at the time. Once we start becoming adults and see outside our own limited worlds to new possibilities, we try to branch out, become independent, and be happy. But the old patterns we used for survival as a child will continually trip us up until we revisit the inner child, understand her motivations, and most importantly recognize her beauty. Once you get to that point, and it could take quite a bit of pain and suffering to get there, you can always choose a different set of behaviors to respond to the situations you bring yourself into. You no longer have to let the inner child drive your life.

Deb, you are BEAUTIFUL. Such a beautiful person. You have SO much to offer the world. Find your light and let it shine! You can't just tell yourself that your mother was only doing the best she could at the time. You need to acknowledge your anger and your hurt and validate it. All along, you were only trying to show her what a good girl you were. Just because she may have said you were a bad girl, or didn't recognize your efforts, doesn't mean that you indeed are a bad person. It's just that she never saw it, for whatever reasons she may have been blind. It wasn't her fault, but it wasn't yours either.

You're in a great place right now, even though you probably feel like you are swimming in a lake of sewage. You have given yourself permission to feel your pain. Don't run away from the pain. Feel it with all of your being and realize that you are NOT TO BLAME. You can't grow without feeling your pain fully. Pain is your best friend. Don't get me wrong, I am no masochist. I would not court pain, but when the pain comes calling, the only thing to do is go along for the ride.

Sending you AND your mom a big hug and lots of love. You'll get where you're going - be patient and forgive. Yourself AND your mother. I am sure she is listening and loves you very much.




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