Posted by KellyR., on April 15, 2000, at 21:53:49
In reply to Follow-up, posted by In Need on April 15, 2000, at 17:01:33
> You all have no idea how deeply I appreciate your responses. I am in a particularly bad place right now, and in a way, I can see that it comes from having better self-esteem. For instance, the reason I have almost no friends right now is because I am no longer willing to put up with thier lack of support and condescending attitudes. Like I said before, I tend to very non-judgmental with friends. I always try to think of something nice to say, even if they did not handle some situation as well as they could have. Friendship isn't about putting people down, but that attitude never seems to be mutual. I don't get it in return, so I'm lonely right now. I'm shedding the old unsupportive friends, and hopefully, I will make new friends who will respect me. I know I need to be more assertive. It is hard for me, though. I find it incredibly draining. Maybe I'm having growing pains. I also feel very unhappy that my presence on earth does not help others more (I mean on a wider scale than friendship.) I want to be more helpful to others, but I don't know how to direct myself. I have always had that problem. I do see a psychiatrist, and right now we are working on finding the right meds. Am I in a dangerous place? Yes, I think I still am. Last night while having a glass of wine, I thought, "Maybe I should just do it now while I am feeling good. Maybe I should just get it over with." I own a gun, but I would never give it up. I want the power to exit life if I decide to. I'm sorry this is so morose. Forgive me. This is the voice of depression, I suppose. Don't worry, though. I probably will not hurt myself. Your responses have made me feel wanted on this earth. Thank-you so much from the bottom of my heart.
My father killed himself when i was 12yrs old, I'll never forget the day before he died when he called me & asked if i would come live w/ him at his parents house,he told me that he had the house to himself because he kicked his parents
out. (At the time i didn't know that the cops had the house surrounded when i was talking to him),I told him that I would have to talk to my mom first,I would of loved to live w/ him but my mom was very abusive & i was scared to death of her if i went.I never forgave myself for saying that,could it of changed things maybe he could of been there to stop my mom from beating us,may i would of never been sexaul abused by my neighbor,or rapped by my best freinds brother,& i might of never gotting so down that i tried so many times to kill myself just to be w/ him. When i found out that my father was gunned down by the cops on fathers day noless,I didn't find out til a month later that he planed the whole thing out so the cops would kill him,I found it saw hard to let him go, I couldn't beleive that he was gone that he wouldn't leave me w/ my mom that beat me so bad that i have 30% hearing lost in my left ear,from being hit acrossed the head so many times.It took a long time to aceppt that he was gone,Then i got so down that i tried to kill myself and now that i'm 30yrs. old i'm still in the same boat,just think would you want someone to go throw what you feel? That's what i tell myself when i get suicidal,I couldn't do that to my kids.
I work as a nurses aide helping people that are dying,& i find that giving them happiness in there final days is the best prozac for me.
Find something to do like helping the down & out,kids dying of cancer,read for the blind something to keep your mind off of dying,something that you can be proud of doing,that you made someone feel happy for the moment in time. Good luck
kellyR.
poster:KellyR.,
thread:29931
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000411/msgs/30175.html