Posted by JohnL on November 12, 1999, at 3:20:40
In reply to "Coming out" to a loved one?, posted by Racer on November 10, 1999, at 21:02:10
Hi Racer. Being able to share everything seems particularly important to me of a solid relationship. Sharing your story with the new guy will bring out his true colors, for better or worse. That's good. If he's receptive and supporting, so much the better. If not, you just found out a darn good reason to suspect the relationship might not be all it was hoped for. And likely doomed anyway. I hope he truly cares and embraces your troubles as they come with the package, like it or not. Right? You wouldn't be the same wonderful person you are without having been where you've been.
As to NHGrandma, I respectfully agree with her. Not specifically in your case, but in any shack-up relationship. To discuss morals is one thing. That's another story. But the facts of life, proven in statistics, are...1)Shack-up relationships break up far more often than they stay together, 2)Shack-ups who later get married have the highest divorce rates. Those are the cold facts to be aware of. Your relationship will have a high statistical probability of falling apart, rather than strengthening, if you shack up.
I had shack-up girlfriends for many years before finally getting married to one of them. Sixteen years later we still have a great relationship. I now realize that statistically I am a blacksheep. A lucky one. If I could go back and do it all over, I don't think I would shack up. It takes a certain specialness away from the eventual wedding. Or from the future of the relationship. Nothing new. It's all been done already. The wedding is a formal connection, but the unique special qualities of marriage become old news before the wedding even happens. And as I look back, it seems to me the girls showed a lack of respect of me by willing to move in without tying the knot, and likewise I inadvertantly showed them lack of respect the same way. That's not true love. Granted it feels good and it's very convenient to have a lover on-site. But in the overall picture I don't think it's healthy in the longrun. And the statistics certainly show that to be true. Again, I don't direct these opinions to you, but to anyone considering shacking up. But I'm guilty. I've done it plenty. Just wouldn't do it again if I could go back with what I know now. :)
poster:JohnL
thread:14978
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991108/msgs/15066.html