Posted by lynn (LC) on October 20, 1999, at 9:04:15
In reply to LC -- support, posted by janey girl on October 10, 1999, at 17:54:57
Janey girl,
Thank you so much for your support about my father. It has taken me a long time to respond, in part because I almost can't find the words to reply to such kindness and love. I feel like my world allows me no place for this grief, like I am supposed to keep going at 100% all the time or even 80% when I am smouldering inside with sadness, rage, and anticipation of loss. I visited my father recently and took your advice -- reminisced about childhood memories, discussed openly his illness -- and, you know, I really did feel better afterward. But from the moment I came home, there was that hunger to be back with him again. I tend to pathologize myself. I guess that I am always taking my emotional temperature, given my long history of depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. I tend to be unforgiving of myself about my grief. I feel like I can't enjoy ANYTHING while my dad is ill. When I see a film or hear music or read something that would normally move me, it is as if only the surface of me is moved, and the rest of me, the real part of me underneath, is not moved at all and has not even seen the film or heard the music or read the literature because that very real part is full of grief and pain...as if to say "how can there be beauty while he suffers?" And then I chastize myself for being melodramatic or for not being able to compartmentalize myself and close myself off from the sadness, even for an hour or two. Some days are better than others. I'll write more later (I'm at work now), but I wanted to thank you so much and tell you that your post really touched me and could not have come at a better time. Lynn
poster:lynn (LC)
thread:12640
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991016/msgs/13487.html