Posted by dove on October 19, 1999, at 9:47:09
In reply to Re: Whatever, posted by Noa on October 19, 1999, at 9:02:58
Firstly, Noa, thank you so much for sharing, seriously. You're descriptions definitely lightened my mood, and yes I relate, completely. My disorganization is monumental. My entire childhood with my, OCD super-clean and 90 degree angled pen's and books, father was wrought with constant failure and shame. I am the worst house-keeper. My biggest failure has always been my messiness.
When I became a mother I had to learn to clean for real and for the first time, because it mattered. I have struggled and fought with my overwhelmed mind and weak spirit. My mom told me she was going to take my children away and I upped her by getting the public nurse to come to my house to show me and tell me how bad I really was.
I was frightened out of my mind, convinced I had just signed my own death warrant and I was going to lose my children. My husband agreed with this opinion and begged me to reconsider. I called her to cancel a couple hours beforehand and she was already out for the day doing her rounds.
She showed up, walked in and asked me if the baby was sick, I hesitantly said no and she said I should put the funky diapers in a separate garbage from the regular garbage. HA-HA! Yes, that did make quite a difference in the aroma in our house. Aside from that, she said I was disorganized but not too bad and she could see I was trying and she really encouraged me. She gave me pointers and different trouble-shooting ideas.
I am still the worst housekeeper but I really do try and I consciously ignore my parents and my inlaws and my husbands smart-mouth comments. I have to do my best and forget about the rest or I will always be a failure. My kids are learning as they get older(oldest is 9) that I can't do it alone.
Long winded as usual but this really struck a cord, that failure always lurking inside me. What I did learn is that I am my own worst enemy and I had to go forward ignoring, actually ignoring my previous failures. We have to go forward, other people don't relent when they fail, even publicly fail, they still take that gamble. That is hard for me to do, I don't want to try anything I'm going to fail at.
I'll close with this: I can relate and I truly do know those feelings and thoughts and I'm with ya all the way. Be encouraged, you're not alone.
dove~
poster:dove
thread:13268
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991016/msgs/13421.html