Posted by Noa on October 19, 1999, at 9:57:29
In reply to Re: Whatever, posted by Noa on October 19, 1999, at 9:02:58
First, let me say, that this medium is so great. It is like group therapy only if I were to ever try to say this much in a group, I would drive everyone else away. Where else can one wax reflective without feeling exposed? I can stand on my virtual soapbox and not worry about people walking away. They can read it or not, and I'll never really know. Just writing it helps. Knowing that at least some are reading helps even more.
Ok, so the details of the laundry saga reflect a bigger problem...I got there to transfer from washer to dryer and woulnd't ya know, one of the machines was on "unbalanced" (a condition I can relate to). There were still 12 minutes left to the wash cycle. AARRGGHH. Now I am really going to be late for work. So I says to myself, you know you shouldn't wait until the last minute, there are always unforseen glitches, blah blah blah. I know that, I says back to myself, I am not a stupid person. But the truth is, I find myself in this type of situation ALL THE TIME. I have always procrastinated (see thread about school performance above) big time. As I was walking back from the laundry room, I was thinking about why I do this. I think I really literally need the adrenaline produced by the last minute rush, to motivate myself to do anything. I think my depressive tendencies make me adrenaline deficient (I know that my effexor attempts to beef up the noradrenaline system). Despite how AWFUL the anxious rushed feeling feels, as it is accompanied by self anger and feeling like a failure, I must need that adrenaline more than I need to not feel bad about myself. OK, bad syntax, I hope you can still get what I mean. I mean that I am obviously willing to endure the awfulness of feeling late and rushed and hating myself for it as confirmation of my indadequacies, as a trade off of getting my adrenaline pumping. Gotta go again. See you guys tonight.
poster:Noa
thread:13268
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991016/msgs/13422.html