Posted by Racer on October 7, 1999, at 15:51:51
In reply to Help, posted by Help on October 7, 1999, at 11:43:33
No wonder you're so wrung out, if you're girding on your armor against the world every day. That's a very familiar feeling for me, and it's one that takes a lot out of me. By the end of the day, I have no energy, and just have to be alone to try to unwind. In fact, it's one of the issues with my new SO, because he wants to live in a city, and I want to stay in the country. In the City, that ON switch stays there, and I burn out fast. Here in my little cowtown, I get home at night, spin around real fast about four times, and then sit down and purr for a bit with the cats. The strain of keeping on my armor all the time gets to the point I don't even want to get out of bed. It's really awful.
So, now that I've handed you my credentials as a tense, fragile, fellow sufferer, let's move to the next question.
When I'm in the City, I have a hard time with social events, having to have so much unwind time at the end of the day. If I see anyone after work, I end up awake until all hours, trying to relax enough to sleep so that I can wake up fresh the next day. If I go to bed tense, I wake up tense. What about you?
And now, WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT??
It's not enough to know the problem, that's only the first step. Are you tense and driving people away because they don't know why? Are you waiting for a fairy godmother to hand you a coach and footmen made from a pumpkin and mice? Are you reaching out to people who can't respond because of their own problems? Are you reaching out at all?
I lost a good friend becaue of my depression. I don't miss her much anymore, because she couldn't have been a TRUE friend if she disappeared because of my depression, right? My true friends are all still here, and at the worst of it, they stood by me, brought me food to try to make me eat, called to make sure Iwas alive, emailed me tons of jokes, and occasionally told me that it was difficult to deal wiht me because I was so depressed that it was a real drag. They were honest, they told me that they got really sick of hearing how awful the world was. That was a drag. They told me that I had to DO something, even though I couldn't make anything happen. Eventually, one of them checked me into a hospital, and a year later a doctor finally set up a med combo that helped me. It's not a fast process, in some cases, but the longer one waits to start, the longer before one feels better.
So, do you know why you feel alone? Is it the idea that the 'right' person would make everything better? Is it because you truly are alone? Is it because in your despair you can't see the people who are there for you?
Let me tell you about a very alienating experience I had a while back: one of my best girlfriends was complaining that no one loved her unconditionally and that's the only thing she needed to be happy. It took me a moment or two, but then I told her that I loved her unconditionally. She thought about it, and said that she knew that it was true (I've stuck through some ugly parts of her life, and supported her through decisions I disagreed with), but that wasn't what she MEANT. We are good enough friends that I could get over it, but that's a slap in the face, you know?
Good luck to you, and please continue to reach out here. When I was at my worst, I got a ton of help here, mostly the best support and generosity I've ever experienced (and you know who you are), maybe we can offer something similar to you? I hope so.