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Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......

Posted by Dee on August 29, 1999, at 13:00:12

In reply to It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46

I hear you. My birthday was a month ago, and the way I have been isolating since thanksgiving (!) I didn't have anybody to tell even. I felt like being 38 was a threshold, and it would be downhill straight to death with loneliness, depression and pain.

I guess it's pretty usual even with ‘normal' people that holidays, birthdays etc. kick up lots of dust. After all we have been brainwashed to think that we MUST be so @#$%ing merry. And we are not. I stay home Saturday nights for I cannot bear watching all the happy couples who, I think, have everything I wish I had.

Yes, we live definitely in an evil cycle. I cannot keep a job when I am depressed, and it comes time for the depression to lift, I am depressed just for the bills that have piled up, for not daring to get out of my apartment for fear of needing to confront the landlord, for not one person to talk to after all the isolation and the swinging mood, not knowing what to do next, feeling just physically sick after hiding in my bedroom for weeks eating junk food and not exercising, and just the deep frustration of knowing that whatever I will build when I feel better, I will tear down when I get worse. Now wouldn't something like that drive anyone to be depressed!

I am just now trying to make a change on my coping skills along with getting on medication for the first time (I know I should have done that a long time ago, but I haven't been really informed about all this.) Luckily in NYC I can get both therapy and medication on a sliding scale, which in my current situation is free... I said that in case there is someone reading this who, like I used to, is not getting the help they need because of $$$, please keep checking ALL the options, there's always something. I figured that if I change, my life will have to change as well.
Yeah, easy for me to say when I am out of the pit...

I guess what I am trying to say in a very unstructured way here is that the down that comes along with real issues we haven't dealt with is a part of life, and if we didn't feel down then I think there would really be something wrong with us. Of course it is not fair that coming out of the depression we have to be so overwhelmed with everything left undone, and cannot even really enjoy the few good days we might otherwise have... But you know what, don't waste your time asking for justice that isn't there, just enjoy your day regardless! You've paid for it. Put in your best effort to clean up the mess, then lean back, chill out and think about what you are accomplishing. How many of the ‘normal' people you think would be able to cope with what you're going through?

(I hope I am making sense... I find it kind of hard to write when the text is scrolling out of the window.)

Happy birthday, be kind to yourself




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