Posted by DL on June 18, 1999, at 13:01:44
In reply to Re: feelings, posted by Toby on June 16, 1999, at 10:36:22
>Please go back and look at your last two posts. Although there is still much to work on, there are signs that things are flowing along, that it's easier to go with the flow, that things are coming up that have been buried, and that the chaotic feelings are abating more quickly. All of those things show movement.
Thanks for the cheering squad!! Last session was yesterday evening. Now she will be gone until July 8th, when I have another appt. So there are 3 weeks--hopefully everything won't slide back under wraps (although in some ways that is easier). Yesterday we talked about all the things that came up in last EMDR. It all seemed to burst forth from an image of pacing back and forth and back and forth, and feeling tight like a thin stretched wire ready to break. Perhaps even the pace of the eye movements helped. --pacing in anguish, trying to pick up the phone a few years ago to ask for help, pacing the bedroom with an alcholic husband passed out, pulling the covers up over his face and hoping he would stop breathing (this is when my hands turned cold), my father walking up and down the hallway upstairs when I was in highschool, after his bath (cooling down-with nothing on), sitting in a parking lot in the dark, holding my prescription (after about 4 mos of AD trials and still crazy)and swinging in my mind from 'try alittle longer" to "I want to slip away". ANd on and on and on. But the surprise was an image from my college years that I had buried because I was so ashamed. Never told anyone. And, it was a true trauma--including hospital admission. And I had filed it under my father's perspective of "look at the way she's dressed/or her make up/or what she said/ or just about anything--she's asking for it". And it was so hard to talk about. It took me about 10 min just to get up the courage. And, I totally reframed the incident! I looked at it with my eyes now and the therapist asked what would we call it now if it happened on a college campus? And without hesitation I said "date rape" and I was so surprised because I had taken the whole responsibility on myself because I had been drinking. THat was very hard but also very liberating. And remember the observation about my hands and feet curled up tight? This is where it came from. I went into shock and my blood pressure bottomed out and when I came to my hands and feet were numb and cold and cramped into a curled postion. I hope this does not offend anyone. And Dr. Bob can erase it if he'd like. But it just wanted to have validation from even another source. This was more than 30 years ago and was never processed I guess. So, things are moving but it is such hard work. And, it will be hard when the therapist leaves. She wants to transition me to someone else by September. And I want to grab her and keep her here, but of course I can't.
> Did she do an exercise with you called the "Safe Place"? If so, go there when you need to relax and unwind. Really GO there in your mind. Hear the sounds, smell the smells, see the light and the environment and the details, feel the air and surfaces and the temperature, EXPERIENCE it all, breathe slowly (in for 4 counts, out for 4 counts) and where you feel tenseness in your body, concentrate on it and make it purposefully relax then go back to experiencing the safe place.Yes, the only "safe place" i could think of was my apartment. I can feel safe there. Couldn't think of anywhere else. But I would like a better image with nice smells and feels etc. I have a nice picture of evening walking with a friend by the ocean. It was pink and there was a light breeze and it felt magical and it means 'peace' to me. but I don't know if it means 'safe' to me.
> Well, the answer to that is NO!! You continue to have lots of feelings, you just ignore and deny the good ones and embrace the bad ones because that has been the only safe way to do it. Those feelings are still around, you just now have to learn to access them again and it is indeed possible to do that.
Again, I seem to need this reinforcement over and over. I don't really believe it yet.
As always thank you. I think I first posted to Toby last Aug. You have hung in there for me for a long time. I have sent in info to a new psychiatrists office recommended by the therapist. They tell me he does not have openings till Sept. So I will set one up. However it will be too late to get the remeron script needed in early August.
Thanks, thanks.
poster:DL
thread:4833
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990601/msgs/7517.html