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Re: Self Esteem

Posted by cait on March 25, 1999, at 19:51:20

In reply to Re: Breakdown? to Cindy, posted by Victoria on March 23, 1999, at 19:05:42

If I lack self esteem, how will I ever think that I am worth it? Terrible day, today.

My mother is disgusted by my father and his mental and physical problems, so I help him bathe and dress, take care of the diapering needs, meds, physical therapy, and TRY to improve his quality of life. But who am I kidding?
My mother decided that she "just couldn't bear to live like this (doesn't have to work, charges what she needs, plays golf when she wants, has a cook/maid one day/week) anymore; she had a couple of drinks that made her even meaner. She told my father that he will HAVE to go live in a nursing home. She then told me that she is ashamed to have me as her daughter, and then proceeded to blast me with every "bad" thing that I have ever done. And let me tell you, there are some things that I have spent YEARS working through and getting over--failed suicide attempts, failed marriages, failed friendships. Even my child is *imperfect* in society's eyes.
I am just sick over some of the accusations--guess some of that drug therapy and electroshock treament back in the 70's really did help because I had forgotten some of the things that I had done.

I really have worked hard at cleaning up my life and achieving some type of success. Went back to school, then to graduate school. Went to work in my field, bought a nice little house, paid off my debts, etc. But who did I do it all for?

Life seems to be kicking me in the face every which way. Didn't seem like a sacrifice to move home to take care of my father--I thought it was the *right* thing to do. Now, some nine months later, and having taken only a total of SEVEN nights away from this place, I can't function any more.

Hate is a self-destroying feeling. But, hell if I don't hate my mother. I even have to take care of HER when she is sick. And I know that she truly dislikes me. No easy solutions here. I just can't function any more.

And it's not like I can call someone for help. Stuck in a little town where everybody knows everybody else's business. And if I seek help somewhere else, I will have to hire someone to stay with my dad. And then I will have to explain WHY I have to be away.

God help me, because I don't think I can survive this anymore.




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