![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 14 to 38 of 79. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 20:02:07
In reply to Re: i think 'suits' got better, posted by ClearSkies on March 27, 2015, at 15:47:52
> I agree. I feel better with a small (in terms of numbers) social circle. It matters not as much if we actually see each other. I'm not saying I don't need people in my life, but I've learned to be cautious about who I let my guard down with. Some folks are daylight vampires, feeding off of others' lives.
I think that maybe through life people get better at looking after themselves. Then... Solitude can look like a much better option than much of the 'company' out there...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 20:45:49
In reply to Re: i think 'suits' got better » ClearSkies, posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 20:02:07
back to this, again...
i suppose it is important to think about how quickly things have changed. 2nd or 3rd generation immigrants are what many of the white people are around here. and apprarently family size does reduce... much of the large family is coming from very recent pacific island immigration. the mushroom childbearing / raising strategy. throw your seeds / progeny to the wind and see how many survive to look after you...
you have communities who think they might get a doctor. if they have... enough of them. somehow having 13 kids, or whatever, and eventually they'll happen to throw out a good doctor or a lawyer or whatever. and that one will, of course, voluntarily return to the community that dragged them up and look after them. mmm hmm.
and 'equity' considerations... apparently... we should take the best of them. because... apparently they are the ones who are most likely to do it. nobody else is going to, that's for sure. even the ones who are picked to do it... the chances that they will bail... only... you have to work for the government over here on graduation... and looks like there might be a bit of a 'equity people vs the rest of them' when it comes to med school intake... the supposed 'graduate student tsunami' of people they are dragging through... the ones who are supposed to go and work (for free, or just-abouts) in rural communities. as GPs... or as... whatever. mostly managing teams of 'allied health' 'professionals'. because, lets face it, one doesn't need to talk to a doctor to be told that it would be a good idea to get a little exercise, quit smoking, and maybe start growing your own food instead of living off macdonalds.
anyway... i might have a bit of a harder time of it insofar as i don't really get equity considerations in my favor. for some reason... they aren't considering last secondary school attended or whatever with respect to socio-economic. they also aren't considering disability. so... i do have to get better grades than most of the health sci people... probably... hard to say so much discretion around the interview, to be honest. i'll probably be okay... but i guess i do feel...
i'm kinda pissed off that some people spawn as many as they can and they don't even bother to even try just a little bit to look after any of them much of the time... and so they... what? seem to expect that society will raise them in the name of 'equity'? of course it isn't fair to the kids... i guess... that's the thing, really. to realise that the kids... well... how much allegance are they going to feel to people who spawned them? their kids are probably... most probably going to want to do a better job of it... or something... i don't know...
population health... is horrible. i really hate the classes in that that i have. mostly because... they seem to be trying to feed us values more than actual information or tools of critical thinking to help us come to a well reasoned making up of our own mind. e.g., 'butter is bad'. and 'we need to grow our population'. and 'free trade is bad' and so on... it is hard for me to communicate with social science-y stuff when the people don't have first year philosophy (critical reasoning together with logic) behind them. ambiguities and fallacies all over the show... blunt assertion... it's a real mess... but... i suppose it is less time consuming / more possible for me to do okay in than physics turned out to be...
it is horrible because it is so dehumanising. i don't get that from biosci the same way.. the dissection etc. there is some kind of reference for people and aesthetic... but in population health... it sseems really very dehumanising. the value of a life... very utilitarian in the 'sacrifice the individual for the majority'. then them trying to say that equity is somehow consistent since equity is an overall objective out of 'fairness'.
and i get angry...
they let in far too many people into this year. at least 1/3 of them really don't have a hope. i mean... medicine is not something that they would want to do if they even understood what it was about. i mean... people who hate going to class, who think the material is boring, who only go to sit with their friends... people who will happily chat all the way through the lecture... there seems to be this thing of how it isn't hurting anyone to open the doors to more and more and more and more people... only it is. the people who actually want to learn... don't get to because of all the freaking people who don't even know what the crowd is doing they are too busy trying to huddle in the middle of it.
lots of people seem attracted to health because they want to be looked after. there is a big huddle outside starting from about 1/2 an hour before lectures. really young... kids, basically. they sort of... mill about there all day. a big mess of them. screaming out for people to... look after them, i guess.
and the actual people who actually have an actual chance are off in the library or whatever...
but you have to not get killed by the herd...
sigh.
some of the best of them will get into nursing. look after their communities. we tell them that there are jobs in that... only... there aren't. not for people fresh out. they'll end up going home and working for free... looking after their people. at least they'll know to smoke outside etc.
we have been learning about different migration patterns in cell populations in embryos... ICM / trophoblast differentiation... seems that exposure to the outside world inhibits an enzyme which results in a cell producing trophoblasts... and being surrounded by other cells means the enzyme is expressed and cells produce ICM cells...
not exactly population-dependent... but sorta... what you do is sorta determined by what your neighbours are...
and then salt and pepper differentiation that occurs later... some of the cells produce x and some of them produce y and then the x cells all migrate someplace together and the y cells migrate someplace together.
that salt and pepper migration... i think that is what the aim is with equity... that things like... stuff about your parents or... your environment... or whatever... that you are just free to be you and to go where is best for you and to be the best you you can be with people who are good for you.
i think... they don't get so very much salt and pepper out of this year (with respect to grade distribution / equity)... but that is the ideal of it... to give people the opportunity... in some sense of opportunity.
i just... i'm thinking about the netball... i was watching it... they are showing sports in the university gym now - instead of x rated airbrushed music videos by people with no talent... - and it is great. really inspiring. watching the female 7's athletes etc etc... anyway... they have kids at part of it... they slap their hands as they walk out or they hand the ref the ball to start the game, or whatever. it is meant to be inspiring for them etc. and you see... some of the kids are just in heaven... they really really really really really appreciate what a big deal / privaledge it is for them to get to do that... and others of them... just seem dead, somehow. not that into it. don't care. don't really want to be there... so.. what's the point in giving them the opportunity / taking places away from other people who work their *SS OFF and who really erallyr eally really really really really want it... i don't quite get it.
there are lots of kids who... there parents sent them over here to boarding school from the start of high school. we have the cheapest education in the developed world. since we're right at the bottom of the whole developed thing, and all... anyway... a lot has been invested in these kids... i feel a bit sick inside for some of them... some of them don't really want to do med... but some of them really really do. and it does break my heart that some of them won't get to do something that they really want and have really worked very hard for... because some community wants a doctor even though the people in that community keep on spawning them with no care of concern for raising them properly at all.
grr.
i guess... the idea is that the increase in the number of places is supposed to be about that. so... no less places for 'traditional' applicants. though it is probably more common now that people are sending their kids here rather than aussie etc. with the way the economy has gone etc...
i'm just very aware that what is good for populations is often not what is good for me. group work... thus far... given that we are in a noisy group work environment i don't do as well on the individual portion (i can't concentrate on the problems with noisy people). but compared to having a quiet place to do the work myself... vs what the group consensus is... i'm better off working by myself.
they are pushing this whole 'embedded in your community' thing. stuff on news-type programs about getting to know your neighbours etc. the idea is, of course, that people should try and get free help from their community before turning to social services that are expensive for the country. the kids we tell to 'get in there! get in there!' i guess mostly... those are the kids what will likely die if they aren't in there...
then there's the kids hiding round the periphery... shuddering at the masses...
i just... some people seem sort of... happy... to live in a big herd like that. animals all huddled together. they actually seem sort of happy that way. well... then isn't the cost of some of that that you aren't going to throw out one who can design a sewerage system for y'all etc? isn't that just... life? i mean... back... back before the white people came... what were y'all doing? some people want to get back to that... and that is fair enough. give them back the freaking land that ya stole.. help them get back some of those skills they had in looking after it etc.. but if you want to live in a big herd like that... you probably aren't going to pop out one who is at the frontier of western medicine...
but, lets face it, most of them couldn't tell the difference between someone who was... and a nurse near the bottom of their class. so...
groan.
i do feel kinda caught between two worlds... i guess... i had maaori carers from 14-16. when i finally got away from mother... and they helped me get a government benefit to live independently at 16. and... they weren't fabulous... they didn't get me in a whole bunch of ways... but... they really were... good enough. yeah. and so that kinda does make me maaori... sorta. kinda. and most of those kids feel caught... and it's the old people hanging on... for their kids to come back home and look after them. yeah.
it is hard.
i think population health upsets me mostly because... i have such high hopes of it. very high expectations. and then... to see things like a segregated bus service (because the students can suffer overcrowded conditions with less complaining). and i just feel... angry. i think probably many of the very worst injustices of all are done in the name of equity. like how many people are killed in the name of freedom...
sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 21:09:29
In reply to population vs individuals, posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 20:45:49
there's this ronnie coleman quote (guy was a bodybuilder) something about how 'everyone wants to be a bodybuilder - but nobody wants to lift no heavy *ss weights'.
and the idea of that... that people SAY they want to be a bodybuilder... but they have an odd view of what it is to be a bodybuilder. they just focus on the superficial thing of physical appearance.
but what it is to be a bodybuilder is to have amazing discipline when it comes to your body... and your mind, too. determination to force your body to do something that every fiber of it screams out against. over and over. to eat far more than one feels like when one is growing it... to eat far less than one feels like when one is cutting for a competiton... lifting weights... is the cornerstone or foundation of it. anyone who says they want to be a bodybuilder but doesn't... want to lift heavy-*ss weights... simply doesn't understand what it is to be a bodybuilder.
or... the case philosophers like 'someone who says that they want to get married... but who repeatedly doesn't get married, despite every opportunity, really does not want to get married'.
____
and so... we have a community. and the community says they want a doctor. they might even pick which kid they want. like how the oldest will be the speaker, or whatever. so the community wants a doctor. does the community want to make sure that the kid has the books for school? does the community want to encourage the kid to read - or just to tell the kid repeatedly that reading is stupid and people who read are stupid? does the community want to give the kid a quiet place to do their homework? the answer to all this is: hells no! the community doesn't know what a doctor is... mmm hmmm...
(there is some sense of someone focused on PERSONS. this seems to be distinctive of medicine... but that's simply... inconsistent... with the whole communalism / sacrifice the individual for the good of the group thing y'all had going before...)
perhaps things will sort themselves out in a few generations...
mostly... population health seems to be... some sort of... (and i really really hate this) 'education' (not really) for those kids who are going to go back to those communities... it's focused on teaching them that if their community had a GP then equity would dictate 10 minute consultations - so they simply can't have the level of GP consultation (for free or cheap) that the rich people have in the city. focus on 'healthcare' which is about allied health. bait and switch for a doctor...
I don't entirely understand the point of GP's... I guess i never really thought of them as luxury services before... But I'm starting to see...
Wouldn't it be great if people who looked after themselves got better healthcare? But equity, again...
I don't entirely understand why we don't face up to the fact that a bunch of people out there seem to... Want to die, really. Rather than keep on. I mean.. . Everyone knows smoking will kill them, now. That's why they smoke duh. Lots of people really are that unhappy...
What are you going to do about that? Maybe we should just not worry about that... Have more kids... Maybe the next lot will be better...
Sigh.
People... Too much of htem... Make me sick... :(
Posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 21:32:05
In reply to Re: population vs individuals, posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 21:09:29
Mostly I worry...
That they put equity above all else... In a way that is actually bad for populations.
I mean... There is an awful lot of truly awful socio-biology out there. Some truly horrible social policies. I guess I thought... Things would all be... Sophisticated and advanced... But I'm really not seeing it. I'm seeing a weird kludged together rag bag of socially acceptable cliche's and ambiguous phrasings and indoctrinations and... It makes me feel awful sick.
I worry that they will start to think it is a criterion on this year that they get a salt and pepper grading distribution. So... For the population health paper, in particular, I... Feel like there is some kind of an edge to it where they are sort of... Taking great delight in screwing over the 'traditional' applicants as much as possible and handing out terrific grades to the 'equity kids' (for wont of a better term).
For one of the papers... We have multiple choice tests at the start of the tutorial... Instead of printing them off they display them on overhead projector in a semi sorta darkened room... For 30 seconds... Then the tutor says 'it's been 30 seconds'. Then after 60 seconds the next question is displayed... For a total of 5 questions in 5 minutes...
It seems... Designed to... Upset... Traditional candidates. It is meant to be based on the readings... But it isn't, really. And two of the available options... Are weird...
I've learned it makes no difference to how I'll do on the test whether I do my readings or not. I've learned it makes no difference to how I'll do on the test whether I have selected the answer vs had a guess without having read all the question / available answers.
I bet... I bet that test gives them a salt and pepper distribution.
At what cost?
Doctors who can't read / who believe there isn't anything to be learned from books... Etc...
I worry that we have decided to work towards the lowest common denominator. Instead of giving the shortest people the largest boxes (the picture they like to show us) I feel like they've decided to cut some people off at the knees.
I guess it is easier that way. And I guess it is hard to design a good multiple choice when one never was very good at them / able to distinguish between those two... In fact... One might come out with the idea that distinguishing between those two... Really was genuinely supposed to be random.
Thank god for Biosci and Chem...
Beam me up, Scotty...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 28, 2015, at 16:57:35
In reply to Re: population vs individuals, posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2015, at 21:32:05
When I said about second generation immigrants I meant to say that my grandparents immigrated when they were young, and the white (UK) ancestors of most everyone I knew were similar.
But of course... I'm definitely old enough to have spawned at least one generation... So maybe 3 or 4 generations might be more accurate...
And things are different in different parts of the country. I'm talking about a farming region whereas people arrived earlier for different things (e.g., Otago gold rush).
I f*ck*d up the cell differentiation. Doh! The ones in contact with the zona pellucida / outside express YAP and then tead4 which results in their becoming epithelial / trophoblast cells. The ones not in contact with the shell / the ones surrounded by other cells have inhibited YAP expression and they are (remain? develop into?) inner cell mass cells...
Then... The salt and pepper differentiation was about epiblast vs hypoblast differentiation...
Embroyology is surprisingly cool. Probably because we have this terrific little lady who goes on about sci fi suckers and the like... And makes the whole thing kinda gross / cool for the science geeks. Not sure how you get from radiology to embryology...
Anyway... Biosci is an awesome paper. Mostly taught from the medsci people... I really like the 'traditional' cell / devo biology stuff... Really, a whole heap. Chem is going pretty good too, I think... Have some reactions to memorise (and haven't got up to the second chunk of alcohols etc yet)... But I really like it's logic... Except for naming esters... That sucks and I simply don't get it...
Population health... Only one of the papers matters for med. The other one (the more random one) I only need to worry about maintaining my average (so a B or B+ will be fine). The one that matters... We basically did a bunch of stuff on experimental methodology / epidemiological study / randomised control trials... It is... Surprisingly boring, actually. Anyway...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 28, 2015, at 21:08:40
In reply to Re: population vs individuals, posted by alexandra_k on March 28, 2015, at 16:57:35
oh, it's fine.
i did want to learn more about RCT trials etc etc. and, well, that's what we're doing. i always was going to be cranky about it for political reasons etc.
it is a weird blend of statistics and critical reasoning. i think some more formal critical reasoning / logic would really compliment things quite well... critical reasoning is a pain in the *ss because it sort of describes arguments people actually make... and mostly people are ambiguous etc etc. logic is more prescriptive. it gives you something to aim for. it teaches you to (be able to be) much clearer in your reasoning. then to develop more complex structures in your essays... argument chains... sort of like... how you can string together equations in order to get to wherever it is that you want to go...
anyway...
biosci really is so very much fun. and i am enjoying chemistry, too. i am glad my other papers are lighter because those two really take up quite a lot.
i think i will stick to law next semester, though. i think... i will enjoy it, yeah. and it will be helpful for me to learn some of the more nitty gritty things about law.
i'm trying to get the bus service out to the satellite campus fixed. they are overcrowding us... they seem to think that not only should all the seats be full but all the standing space should be full of standing people, too. the buses have seemed full to me, but they reckon they could have fit another 7-10 people on them...
anyway... it is about complaining loudly, isn't it. because... people simply will try it on until you make them stop. get in there! screw them over! they don't mind! they don't even notice!
sigh.
ugh.
the segregated staff service (mini-van) is an indicator...
i bet all the politicians have private health insurance (that they pay for with their salary that the taxpayers pay for). while they take free flights around the country and limousines...
how is it that they have persuaded people not to mind about this / that? that people see them on the news and...
i guess because there isn't really anything that can be done. i mean... it isn't like the other guy would be doing anything any differently / better.
no matter who you vote in, that guy gets to live in the white house - yeah?
the illusion...
just keep them focused on hollywood and so on... sort of thinking... that it is their own fault...
i don't quite know what to say...
but most people are gross. yeah. salt and pepper... it isn't like most of them would do anything any differently / better...
sometimes i really do think that i am a different species.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 30, 2015, at 21:31:43
In reply to Re: population vs individuals, posted by alexandra_k on March 28, 2015, at 21:08:40
so... the socioeconomic class / status thing is really hard to measure...
but my grandfather (on my mother's side) was a methodist minister. and they had a reasonable sized farm out in the country... with a couple of houses associated for farm hands and their families...
and then he harboured guys who didn't want to fight WWII (general pacifism) and was briefly imprisoned and lost the ministry and became... bitter and resentful at the church and god and so on... and he took to ranting...
which is perhaps slightly familiar. hur...
and so mother (the only girl) got married about a year out of school... to a guy who was a TV repairman... which was fairly skilled, i guess... she said something about how they were the first people to get a tv...
and then... things turned horrible... and eventually... she left him. two girls... two adopted boys... the eldest boy wanted to live with him (and so did) and she took the rest... and went on welfare.
because... uh... because it was a viable option, i guess.
and was disowned for a while... because she was about the first person to get divorced...
i think... my mother's side of the family... our fortunes kind of come and go... just a box of crazy, really.
something something.... i have an uncle who goes about the country... he's very tall and charasmatic and... intense... and sometimes he gets a bit of a following of a community and then they lock him up (he starts thinking he's the son of god and breaking into people's houses and preparing them dinner and then inviting them to come in and sit down on their return and he tries to tell them about giving up materialism in order to commit to a life of good works... till they excuse themselves and manage to phone the police...)
at least...
stuff i sort of piece together. it is hard to know since they're all a box of crazy...
my dad... seemed interested in this lady with the 4 kids... or... 3... i guess only my brother was home when dad and mum got married... the girls had left, i think. soon as they could...
mum said that she didn't think that he had much growing up... some of the stories he would tell about what it was like for him and his sisters...
anyway...
i don't really believe in genetics, or whatever, (too much interbreeding, not enough evolutionary time etc etc etc) but probably... my lot was quite different...
we lived... between two state house / ghetto areas. sort of... elderly people in attached units. so... a little crime, but not too bad... no drug people about... etc... mum calls it a 'mixed area' and i suppose it is fairly mixed lower-middle class... the high school etc... point being... since she was on welfare... we could have done a hell of a lot worse. and the lost of most others was worse.
she picked a north facing house with a concrete floor (hard to explain -- but heating in this part of the world... it made for a relatively warm and dry house)... i always had lots of books about. not just bibles ha. she seemed to know education was important...
something about... relatively early (first marriage) on her father gave her some money and she put it into savings... and learned about compounding interest... and so kept that up... and you can keep money in bonus bonds and it doesn't count as money / investment... but you can draw or... i don't know... i don't follow... but point is... we didn't lack money for anything we really needed... but she was all kinds of crazy stingy about things... and she still is in weird ways... some kind of... obsesive compulsive thing... i'm realising... anyway... somehow she's feeling rich now that she's retired because she actually is richer than she's ever been before...
i don't really understand her... she's a box of crazy. but i think she'll be okay...
she keeps visiting old folks community village type places and gets all excited to visit friends when they go off into homes and stuff... i've told her to spend her money however she wants. if she wants to go here or there then to do it. i really don't expect her to leave me anything. i mean... i feel like... my life is my life fro me to make what i will / can of it. money she's sacrificed and saved for is... her own. and she sort of looks sheepish and says that i didn't get a lot growing up because she was saving... but... whatever. point is... i'd rather she be happy in some unit in a community with a little garden and friendly faces for her to monitor their comings and goings... or... whatever makes her happy. i'd rather that. because... she went without stuff too. anyway... she smiles and says she'll be okay. and... i sort of think... that she will. yeah.
not entirely sure what is to become of me... but i guess i have some sort of faith that i'll probably be okay, too.
my grandfather was one of the first people in his community to go to university. the one i'm at now. he got his masters degree in religious studies. and philosophy. because it was just the one department. i could be wrong abotu this... but i'm fairly sure...
so...
and even me... now... sure... i'm on disability etc but my lot is a lot better than most. i'm very lucky.
they put up this thing today... something about 'health directives'... usual thing about quitting smoking etc. then they said they had the other version (not written by the rich white people) and it had health directives like 'don't be poor. or if you have to be poor, don't be poor for long'. and 'if you are going to be poor make sure you use the time when you are rich to learn to fill out the forms you will need when you are stuck for housing and healthcare etc' and so on...
anyway... i'm not entirely sure what i'm ranting about... maybe just that... things weren't as bad for me as they were for lots of other poor people out there... the huddling ones. and of cousre we thought the solitary vs gregarious locusts were different species because they looked so different with such different morphologies and behaviours and... developmental. turned out to be.
anyway... time to go study...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 30, 2015, at 21:32:50
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by alexandra_k on March 30, 2015, at 21:31:43
maybe it wasn't ww2... maybe it was vietnam. i don't know... my maths doesn't work...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 2, 2015, at 14:28:13
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by alexandra_k on March 30, 2015, at 21:32:50
we had our first test. population health. it was... uh... thematically arranged to be about the content they taught us about hanging epidemiological studies on a frame... but it was basically... testing out ability to hold a bunch of stuff in working memory and to move on from garble and... stuff... a cognitive capacity / attention / working memory kind of a more general intelligence test, really. more like what the UMAT is getting at...
i think i sort of get what they are getting at / wanting from me. which is a relief. i feel very relieved to feel like i have discovered that things aren't random. i feel happier to feel that there is some kind of sense in things... but i'm not sure that i'm any good / capable of being any good at the things they are wanting from me. i'm used to having the cognitive resources to range / associate a bit. that's how i get to be creative... and they eliminated redundancies in the phrasing so i couldn't take micronaps... or something... not entirely sure. you would think i could voluntarily control my reading speed to go at whatever pace i needed... huh.
there were distracting things, too. lots of distracting things... like, uh, how my mind is captured by missing words / typos. i guess... the thing is... it's okay to notice. good to notice. useful to notice. but then you need to be capable of choosing to put that information to one side and carry on. there were lots of... dissonant distractors. upsetting things... that weren't relevant for answering the question i'd been asked. like... the papers were yellow but population health is blue (to me) and so on. of course i do know that some things are arbitrary / random... i only just now realise that it is important not to get hung up on things like that. to be able to respond flexibly. yeah.
it is very different from when you get to write your own question / change your question and you find you have answered something slightly different (like a thesis) etc. hur..
i'm not entirely sure i should have told the umat people about their missing word, now. i bet they got a giggle out of it. damn it. i wonder if i'll get a different freaking version of the test.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2015, at 20:37:26
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by alexandra_k on April 2, 2015, at 14:28:13
>
> i'm not entirely sure i should have told the umat people about their missing word, now. i bet they got a giggle out of it. damn it. i wonder if i'll get a different freaking version of the test.
Gaack!
No, they wouldn't.
say, spring in Spokane, Washington is really pretty. There will be a lilac Festival soon.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2015, at 1:23:29
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by ClearSkies on April 2, 2015, at 20:37:26
> No, they wouldn't.
oh... they might.
i don't suppose i mind, actually. i think... i'm starting to... trust them. or something. the year started... that sort of tech way... but it has progressed and the dynamic has shifted... there is an edge...
they do invest a lot of resources in training doctors. and they want to try and get the people who are the best suited to it. there has been some stuff... about doing what makes you happy... what you are good at... where you fit. about the different role of different players etc. and people do naturally resonate with different ones. hierarchy and money aside... different people resonate differently. i think they are trying to get people to do what they naturally fit with. whatever that is. because otherwise... people won't be happy / be as productive as they could potentially be.
i think i am going to be okay. but i have to work on remaining calm and thinking flexibly. taking what is important that i've learned - but being responsive to incoming. not getting distracted by things that don't matter for the task. not getting upset by typos etc.
> say, spring in Spokane, Washington is really pretty. There will be a lilac Festival soon.
Nice. You are still doing well? Happy?
It has been really warm here. I've been swimming... Really enjoying that, actually. And walking through the forest / bush part of the park. I'm going to bike along the harbour tomorrow, if it is fine. I think the weather will turn wintery here this weekend... Used to reliably get the first frost easter weekend from where I grew up (couple hours south). Weather will turn soon...
Posted by ClearSkies on April 3, 2015, at 12:53:28
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2015, at 1:23:29
I am doing well. The bumps are minor. Having a spot of trouble finding the right psychiatrist, but my therapist here is helping find the right fit. Went through a bad patch while moving my furniture cross country and ran out of a prescription due to my poor time management. I'd never experienced cold turkey benzo withdrawal, and was horrified and embarrassed at the same time. Back at my regular dosing schedule, but it took days for my body to readjust.
And unfortunately the divorce process is ending up in court before a judge, because a settlement couldn't be reached (he kept walking out of negotiations). The law is the law, though; even if it takes the cost of court time and lawyers, I wasn't about to be intimidated a minute longer.
I see quite a bit of my uncle, which is nice after so many years. His short term memory loss from a atroke last year frustrates him but he manages pretty well. He relies on others to take him to appointments, etc.
I am so very glad I am here.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 4, 2015, at 2:33:54
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by ClearSkies on April 3, 2015, at 12:53:28
I'm glad you are here, too :-)
And I'm glad we are both in a better place.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 4, 2015, at 21:52:03
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by alexandra_k on April 2, 2015, at 14:28:13
I don't actually know if any of the family history stuff is true. Could just be family legend. Who knows. I do remember being surprised to learn that he studied philosophy, though... Learned that at his funeral. When I was a couple years into my undergraduate degree. He definitely came up to this city to study... And back then this pretty much was the university... But I suppose there might have been some theology college or something...
Anyway... I don't suppose he was imprisoned for harbouring those people. I suspect there was a lot more to it than that. Something... Something... Probably something about there being a matter of principle involved. Same for my uncle, I guess. The message may have been good but the process left a lot to be desired. And who knows... He could have been persuading other people to be off breaking into peoples houses, too. I mean... There are ways of getting out of being drafted. I would suppose. A matter of... FInding a sympathetic doctor. Which might be easier said than done, for sure. Cutting off your thumb. Having flat feet. Something...
Anyway... Again... Realisation of why it is so very important to me to do this. So I don't become... Like them. LIke my mother... Who is plenty smart (when it suits her, it seems)... But who lacks focus, generally.
Part of it is about learning... Structured learning experiences. Targets just out of reach that are achievable...
Anyway... Focus... Two weeks to study for the next round of assessment (biosci and chem)... They really do seem to be encouraging us to be thinking around / about the stuff that we are learning rather than just memorising. Which is terrific. I am reading the text... All the lecturers were terrific. Even the guy I was cranky about... The plan thing turned out to be useful in the test for organising the data and figuring out what was relevant.
And I need to go take a picture of a tree...
I... Thought I was over the whole black and white thinking thing... Really.. Totally and completely over it lol. Past the whole bad and good thing of childhood... I realise that I'm used to thinking of managers as bad... And business people... Rich business people as being exploitative / profiteering... And Politicians as hypocrits who go about in a party bus until they are elected and then go about in limosenes...
But I think it is about complacency. People see what seems to be an opportunity. And so they do something with it. Whether it is seeing a lake or orbital altitude or south pacific trench to dump your rubbish into or cutting down a tree to make good furniture or whatever. And nobody stops them so... It must be alright. Because if it was bad... People would make you stop - right? Get an injunction, or something.
They aren't crowding us into buses so much as letting people crowd themselves into buses. There are possibly little (intentional?) manipulations that they do... LIke having a bus run really late which instills fear that if people don't jump on then they will be very late... But nobody is using a taser to get people on... Nobody is holding a gun to anybodies head. All they have to do is open the door. And people get on. And more people get on. And even when there isn't really any more room on the bus people will squash on at the front. And you don't leave until 5 minutes late just to see... Because there is a crowd outside who don't get on... But the odd person will arrive and squash themselves on. And people will sit in the bag carriers. Nobody needs to hold a gun to their head.
And you just stand outside and watch them... And think that public transport must be for the very poor indeed.... The poor slobs who don't even realise the effect that such crowding has on their nervous system.s And whatever you do you have to have to have to have to must make more money then them. So you can get yourself a nice big car and afford to pay for public parking at the building that incentivises people for contributing to the peak hour rush... The existence of which... Means there is more pressure for more buildings (where the buildings are shut up no entry allowed for more than half the hours) and more roads (where the roads are only overflowing during peak hours)...
But nobody notices... Nobody complains... Nobody does anything. So... Investing in buildings and carparks. Because... Well... One day the earth will be too toxic for us to be exposed to the elements at any rate.
It is called 'planning for the future' or... 'thinking forwards' or... Something.
The city makes everyone sick.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 6, 2015, at 21:49:50
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by alexandra_k on April 4, 2015, at 21:52:03
I feel like my eyes are being peeled open. Slowly. I'm noticing things I didn't notice before. Or things that I kind of knew... Are taking on new significance.
I worried briefly whether I might be going crazy / getting paranoid... Moments of intense fear...
But I think things are going to be okay.
This country is the toilet of the world. We get shipped all the crap that the rest of the world don't want no more. Obviously. There is no earthly reason why they would ship it all the way the hell down here, otherwise.
There are things up everywhere about 'get out! get out! get away!'. It is like... The rest of the world doesn't want to poison and hurt the good people... The good people who have talents and skills... The people they identify with / resonate with as *human*. The beautiful dancers and athletes... The smart academics... The world is full of better offers for us to leave this sh*t hole of the world and go join them overseas...
But there are still people here. There are people still here. *Good* people. People who the rest of the world can identify with, as human. And other people here... The people who are so full of rocks (salt) and addicted to sugar... The malnourished people who can't stop eating rocks and sugar... But recognisably good people care about them. Recognisably good people are still here. Dammit. Trying to figure out how to help them.
Even when they won't take their medication because they don't like the yoghurt without sugar. Even when they would rather eat water injected, sugar injected, australian beef shipped here in refrigerated containers rather than pay more for locally grown nz beef... the people can't afford it... don't realise that they can afford it (portion sizes, yeah, people aren't used to food). And then the breaking the addiction part of that with the withdrawal...
I think... I think I'm going to be okay.
The main thing is to be able to control my attention. So that I can spend some time worrying about something / trying to fix something... Then spend some time doing something else.
I need to get back to study right now.
I'm having a hard time adjusting to the change in daylight savings...
I'm going to be okay.
I need friends who care about me. Yeah.
I am glad that I get the opportunity to do more law.
I think this country is on the brink of crisis... Or something... Some kind of revolution. We've had the last prime minister in for 2 goes... I think something happens... Arrogance? Nothing to lose? Something... Our lawyers / the judiciary doesn't have the power over here that it does in the US. Over here... The politicians have more power to rush bills through without due process...
A couple of aps have been launched that allow people to live stream from their cellphones.
You know, people carry cellphones around in public change rooms. In public hospital wards... Everywhere... Governments don't need to spy on people. The people spy on the people. The people name the faces to make it easy for them.
But really... It isn't about government... It is about business... The people who do whatever whatever (expoliting others - i mean rich people get their money from taking money from others, yeah... they don't just get it in violation of some principle of thermodynamics / money... or something... surely)... Anyway...
Our TV's are watching us.
You know, right.
To check how we respond to advertisement. To check how we respond to aspects of the news...
Big Brother is here.
There is a war on. Iran got 'free trade'. Uh... The US got more oil. Yeah.
Damn.
ANyway... One... Needs to be able to cope with all this... Without going crazy. Without giving in to sugar and alcohol and rocks and so on.. Without giving in to depression and despair...
It hurts. Of course it does. Because it is horrible.
But I need to be able to relax... Because I am surrounded by people who are... Still here. People who are here. They have the same interests as me because they are here. They don't want to be bombed or poisoned, either... But they might need a little help with the latter...
As for now... It is study time. Embryology... Yeah.
Cries.
Embroyology time. Time to shut out the rest of the world, for today.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 8, 2015, at 19:19:41
In reply to Re: realisation..., posted by alexandra_k on April 6, 2015, at 21:49:50
The university signed away our tenancy rights. Usually tenents have rights... Landlords aren't allowed to enter the properly without 48 hours notice - unless there is an emergency. The university signed away our tenancy rights. People can enter the building whenever they want on maintenence grounds. They don't even have to let us know they have done so. I mean... It doesn't say that, explicitly... But that it is technically allowed.
I found these trees... The side of the park... Between the road and the railway lines... There is native bush. Old trees. Canopy trees. There are orange tags about possums (who eat all the vegetation off and just leave the tree)... Then there are orange spray painted trees with all their limbs chopped off. Then there are orange spray painted trees and... There is nothing wrong with them. Nice wood. Expensive wood. Then there are woodpiles.
Apartment blocks are going up. Medium density. Between One of the nicest village parts of the city and the railway lines. In the valley... This is across the railway line from that. I expect they are half heartedly trying to make it look like the possums are turning the pretty bush into a wasteland. Less resistence then when the nicer apartments (by the park) go up.
I learned... If you discover something that you think shouldn't be happening... Chemical waste being dumped somewhere or... Whatever... Then the first thing you should do is to check. Because they probably have a permit. Of course... When you have permits to do such things you probably want to do it under the cover of darkness (when the world is asleep)... But still... The worst things that are done... Are typically allowed.
I have become fearful about my privacy in this building. I have become scared that the owner of this apartment (someone who probably lives overseas somewhere) is live streaming me for their own entertainment... Or maybe entertaining others... There could be a whole show made up of people who live in this building... And I look around... And buildings... So many buildings... A nice loft... And then some nicer apartments... And then lower level apartments... All foreign owned... I wonder who owns this building.
And all these new university buildings. The university name tag on the side. But they are foreign ownership built (where the security system is installed) or managed... Close to foreign owned business. Right across from it, sometimes. I mean... People could be sitting behind their one way glass business offices with binoculars or cameras trained on the people living in the building...
We don't have laws preventing people from live streaming. There are a couple aps that just got launched. Apparently they will take down content they deem inappropriate... But by then the damage is done. People have their surveillance devices / phones... Filming... Camera... Televisions. Something about one that could respond to voice. Or... Store voice. Stream your voice. Nice new LG's got installed in this building. They got a great deal on them. I've put a little piece of blu tac on the eye that's winking at me on their logo... Just in case.
I feel like i'm living in a 1984 novel... My cellphone is probably streaming / recording my voice...
Of course all of this technology... None of it matters so long as you keep your head down. Huddle in with the herd. When I came up the lift before the poster of the business guy... This advertisement thing to hear him talk... Someone stuck pinboard pins through his eyes...
I feel very stressed. I feel like I need to get out of the city. I feel like... This building isn't my home anymore. I should be relaxing / studying. Not worrying about property developers killing the trees... Property developers living in lofts spying on their pets... Property developers living overseas spying on their pets... All of it... Perfectly legal.
The philosophy department here is getting squashed... It is all about business... Big business... We are being taken over. We have been taken over. We are foreign owned.
The news has... Gone back to rainbows puppy dogs and... However that song goes...
Dr Bob... Please can you tell me it is going to be okay?
What is happening? Are things... Shifting... Or am I just starting to see stuff that have been happening for the longest time? Or... This faint worry in the back of my mind... Do I need to be thinking about meds? Is this self-stabotage because class has been going so well?
I need to work for a couple hours. Then go supermarket shopping... I won't use my card today... The tracking card... They are tracking my purchases... To see whether I'm playing by the rules in buying up all the sugar and alcohol...
Not just me, of course. All of us.
I suppose they could be using the knowledge for good... A bunch of people out there may have learned that I'm a decent person, actually. i'm not getting up to anything illegal in my room. I eat pretty well and try and avoid the cheap crap that will kill me (but I do have lapses sometimes). I am a sucker for their 2 for 1 advertising at times... But otherwise I resist it. Their knowledge... Could partly be why things have been going so well for me lately. And the University signing the rights away that they did... We got nice new flatscreens on the walls. We got nice studio apartments on a ridge right in the city.
And maybe something odd is happening with the building rubbish or... Who knows what... But isn't it a small price to pay? What is the alternative? Another building in the city that is every bit as bad... If not... Actually... Worse.
This is why people end up working in very abstract areas in philosophy... Why people withdraw... Why I... Why I almost wish I were blinded to all of this... I would feel happier...
I need to get out of the city for a bit... i see why people say that, now. I don't know what to do.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2015, at 23:02:35
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on April 8, 2015, at 19:19:41
i talked to my doc. i have a good gp... and i talked to the uni guy who sort of manages some of uni accom... and i talked to the health worker i see every couple weeks... and i told them that if anything happened to me, they knew the kinds of questions i was asking about my building, and so on...
which helped me feel a bit better.
the main response seems to be... that, well, yes. all of these things might be happening. that it isn't paranoid. i even mentioned about setting up a camera in my room and was told that people do set up cameras on their car... setting up a camera to watch a camera to watch a camera might be being paranoid, but i didn't seem paranoid, no.
i guess... realistically... i am part of a target population. cheaper to advertise to us... to take us as predictive of the likely market in australia and the uk and canada and the us... that has been happening with us for a while now... they are upfront about our supermaket cards (you need for discounted prices - 'realistic' prices) being used to help them figure how to stock supermarkets in sydney and the like...
i brought a bunch of bananas... and gave them to various homeless people... it helped me feel a bit better. i've started reading labels on food a bit more. going to pay more for better food. i can check the particular flock that produced the eggs i brought, apparently. i will do that. i'm going to stop buying chemicals (cleaners and toiletries and the like) that have been imported from overseas... or even made here. i bet they are by-products of something more lucrative. chemical waste. how to get rid of it. create a market for it. the people will eat it or smear it all over themselves...
i just need to remain focused on doing well in my studies. it means... everything to me. i want to do med so bad. the stuff is really interesting even though it feels overwhelming to learn so much content at times... i feel so very privaledged to have the opportunity to learn it. and to have a pleasant space where i can chat away to myself to help learn it. even if i am on livestream for the folks in china or whatever...
i am getting moments of intense fear. like a night terror. moments of intense fear like that. what am i afraid of? what do i think is the worst thing that can happen to me? i'm not sure... i've never heard of anyone falling 13 floors in an elevator... lots of buildings don't have a 13th floor because of something... superstition...
i don't know where the fear is coming from. perhaps it is fear that i won't get into med. the people... some people you don't quite know / aren't quite sure about... but there are lots of people about who... revel in their ignorance. delight in their dumbness. complain that things are too hard and they need to be easier. groan when new content comes out. etc. really want to (need to must) get the hell away from those people. from people like that.
embryology is just fascinating... the cell differentiation... we are supposed to be learning about mechanisms too... the assessment thus far has been... thematically arranged on the content but more of an intelligence test than anything else. ability to reason about things... see connections... or to just use reason, generally. they are preparing us for the UMAT. to focus on things they deem important. next round soon... i suspect it is going to be the same. knowing the content is a precondition but we are expected to think / reason about the content. i hope i do well enough. more than anything in the world.
maybe the fear is just coming from being afraid i'm going to miss out on that.
___
I got ACC approval. it is like... a sort of private health insurance that the government purchases on our behalf or something (employers pay a levy into it etc) and... anyway... it sort of gives me the equivalent of private health insurance for my injuries. it used to be that things like that were 'intentional' and not 'accidental'. but they have retro... retroactively? retrospectively? changed it. so i quality now. apparently part of it could have been that they were trying to keep the injury related costs down in the first year (when they are typically highest). whatever... point is...
i saw a surgeon. we are talking about doing something to my right foot at least. because it isn't set straight. and it is deteriorating. the joint will give up if nothing is done. i had suspected that despite my best efforts to strengthen it good... it was getting worse. need to talk about that, though... i think he is looking for easy / quick and i'm not sure that it what is best... he got me to stand on a corner of a book so the outside part of the ball of my foot was raised... and that made me bear weight down centrally on the joint. he said he could do something that would do that in effect... but he also said something about how he could do something to the midfoot... sort of query... anyway... i need to check about that. i'd rather he set the midfoot bones straight rather than leaving them dislocated as they are... if he just raises / fixes the forefoot then i'll lose what little dorsiflexion i have... i really want to be able to push weight through the ball of my foot with that pushing the weight through the center of the ankle joint... even if it is a more major operation to do the midfoot...
and i have some persuading to do to get him to lengthen the tendons on my other foot so i can launch from the ball of my feet / fix up my clawed toes. he did say he could remove the bone spur and separate the fusion of tibia / fibula so they can splay a bit when i bear weight down on the heel / maybe get a little eversion / inversion... athroscopically...
i guess... lengthening the tendons might be time consuming / new for him... i would imagine he is expected to get an operation done under strict time limits... anyway... getting a CT and weight bearing x-ray.. getting orthotics, too, and maybe shoes... and maybe some foot physio from someone he particularly thought was good. so... we will see...
healthcare... really is the most important thing in the world. without your health you have... nothing. nothing at all.
_____
homeless people... the homeless people about... it is a choice. and i'm starting to see more of why... people don't want to live in these foreign owned buildings where they are probably on tv. they are probably under less surveillance on the streets. people don't want the supermarket tracking the money they are granted by welfare... they don't want welfare people tracking the money they are spending.. they'd rather put up a sign 'food or money please' and sit themselves down outside the austrailian owned supermarket...
freedom...
these people aren't mindless... dumb... they are smart... smart, sensitive people. human. recognisably so.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2015, at 23:18:29
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2015, at 23:02:35
things have been going better for me...
perhaps because people know what i'm up to. government people. so i get disability... so they let me alone, basically.
but i do worry about other people, some...
e.g., i saw this job being advertised in work and income. it was a job at the airport. horrible (night) hours... but the real point was that the amount of money it would cost you to park at the airport or to bus yourself out to the airport most probably would have exceeded the amount you were paid per hour.
yet legally, work and income can cut your benefit if you don't apply for jobs they tell you to apply for. so... a worker takes a dislike to you... and says you have to apply for that job.
they can do that.
and so... some people... prefer to live on the streets. rather than to get the unemployment welfare benefits that we say people are 'entitled' to (in virtue of being human).
there are people who just want to loaf about all day... but there's something wrong with these people. they need help and compassion not... bullying. not to be treated worse than i would want any animal to be treated. they are full of salt and sugar and chemicals... i get more money for food than most students do... most studnets are full of salt and sugar and chemicals... no wonder they can't focus on their work... no wonder they don't have a love of learning or curiosity...
they need help and compassion... not to be treated like pests...
even though you sort of have to help them when they are dragging and screaming... the attitudes that people have to things that are healthy / good for them... especially when it comes to things like sugar... the addictive chemicals... malnourished people... in the supposedly developed world... it is sad...
i am very lucky.
i never really thought about how freaking fragile 'our' way of life was... with respect to... what cost. to the rest of the world... no... to this world. one only need to open ones eyes.
it does hurt. stuffing yourself with carbs... alcohol... chemicals... helps numb things somehow...
the compression gear i got... it has helped habituate me to people, somehow. the crowds of first year... i'm habituating to people somehow. i'm becoming hypersensitive to... technology. the noise of cars and trucks and construction and the phones (not even really pretending to be phones anymore) the surveillance devices... the televisions...
how fragile things are... if one day out of the blue your logins don't work anymore and you are forced offline... you can't function in society without a phone... can you still buy non-smart phones? how long would it take for your friends smart-phones to identify you thus you can get blocked out again...
how fragile personhood is in the developed 'free' world.
night terrors... damn.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 12, 2015, at 21:37:48
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2015, at 23:18:29
please tell me it is going to be okay.
please.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 13, 2015, at 22:36:20
In reply to Re: dr bob?, posted by alexandra_k on April 12, 2015, at 21:37:48
So, my last test I got disability accommodations. 10 extra minutes, per hour and a testing room with less than 10 people in it.
But I finished the test within the standard time (just!).
I realise... I need to be able to work at the pace they need me to be able to work at. 30 seconds per bit of information... Fairly standard.
I'm not sure whether or not they would hold it against me, or whatever. With respect to entry... But I really don't want to take that risk. And I... Don't think I need to. I kind of think that the most important thing, really, is (just in case they are paying attention) to not play the disability card. If that makes sense.
I have compression gear. And it helps. A lot. It really really really really does. I think it has made it possible for me to habituate to people, some.
And I have a studio apartment. And it helps. A lot. Again...
I don't think I need to ask for anything else. I'm okay.
The chemistry test is going to be tight, though. I need to practice my strategies for doing things quickly... Things like counting the number of carbons... If you lose your place then you have to start over.. And so many freaking rings... I think the thing to do might be to count the Sp3 and then the Sp2 and then the Sp... Because it is easier to eyeball that way... Anyway... I gotta practice little dinky things like that.
It is helping me to try and keep perspective... 100 marks... But the test is worth 15% or (bio) 33%. So.. It isn't the end of the world if I can't get some of them. Things will come out in the rounding (a little bit) and there is a little bit of a buffer...
Also... I don't need to do as well as most who get in will need to. Because of the whole mature thing... If I can get an A- for Organic I'll be stoked.
I'm just scared because I really want this so very much. More than I've ever wanted anything, I think. I really really really really really really do. And the thought of missing out.. Is really hard.
I've stopped drinking coffee... Onto camomile tea of all things. relax... relax... relax...
It is going to be okay.
Posted by jane d on April 14, 2015, at 17:17:48
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2015, at 23:18:29
"The main thing is to be able to control my attention. So that I can spend some time worrying about something / trying to fix something... Then spend some time doing something else."
You said this several posts up and I think it's important. It's very easy to get totally caught up in what's wrong with the world - especially if you are in the habit of noticing and analyzing everything and that doesn't leave enough time for you.
A couple of thoughts. I grew up riding crowded buses and subways so I usually can shrug that off but I've had periods in my life, corresponding to my mental state, where I found it nearly unbearable. What I did to cope then was to try and pretend to be someplace else that I liked - for me it was a specific mountain top - for you it might be looking out the window of your room -and I'd try to fix as many details in my mind as I could remember. This let me partially tune out the fact that I was jammed up against people like a sardine.
I also wonder if you are making time to get to the gym or do any other kind of exercise. I remember your posts about how much you enjoyed that. I know it's very hard to do when you have a heavy course load - in fact it's one of the things I always let go first when I got busy and in retrospect I think it's one reason I always ended up falling apart (Yes - this is a do as I say, not as I did kind of message - sorry about that).
Wishing you good luck.
Jane
Posted by alexandra_k on April 15, 2015, at 1:08:26
In reply to Re: fear » alexandra_k, posted by jane d on April 14, 2015, at 17:17:48
Hey. Thanks for your post :-) I appreciate it, a lot.
I think I was losing it, a little bit, with the stress.
The weather has turned cooler now, finally. That means I can sleep with the windows shut. That really cuts down on the road noise. That helps a lot. We get some heavy traffic at night from the harbour. And there is building construction just a little bit down the road, too. My curtains don't really get things dark inside, either. So I've turned my bed around to sleep at night so my head is in the quieter and darker centre of my room and it really seems to help.
I've also shifted my focus from global to local. I brought a LED lightbulb for my desklamp. Got an organic chicken, rather than just the cheapest one. I've started reading labels better, and figured out a particular brand of cleaning stuff / bathroom product that is safe for septic tanks etc... Because when the sewerage system is overloaded (as it often is) then they dump things into the harbour... I never really thought properly about where the water pipes (and sewerage pipes) go before...
And keeping up the gym, yeah. I don't have a lot of time to spend... But it is important to spend some. I try and play... Take the gym ball into the squash court and kick / punch it about... Battling ropes... Working on my cartwheels... Having fun with it. Keeping it light (careful of my ankle, now).
Classes start back next week and it will be really full on... I think I've got into the swing of how I best learn biology and I'll have a better time of keeping up from now on, I think. I got a bit far behind, I think. Nothing irrevokable, but I need to do better from now on, for sure. Chemistry is... Damn... It is a hard one for me because it is still really very different from anything I've done before. Can spend hours trying to follow through the freaking 9 step equations they want us to be using for labs, or whatever.
On the upside, I have a wonderful packet of rainbow colored highlighters, now. And embryology lady taught me a good one about the arbitrariness of color (by changing up the colors in our lab manual for the model embryo we were supposed to build so I messed up the wiring / forgot the allantois). Anyway... Focusing on what is important, again. Don't have a tantrum that the temporal lobe ain't green. Sigh.
Onward ho...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 16, 2015, at 3:47:16
In reply to Re: fear » jane d, posted by alexandra_k on April 15, 2015, at 1:08:26
I think it will be okay... A couple of past tests later and things are looking brighter... A few questions that recur every year and a more... Circumscribed body of knowledge / skills to be developed. Only 3 days till classes start back. Eep.
I need to get into the habit of rewriting my biology notes every night after lecture. Get it done then. The time consuming nearly mindless thing of getting them into a learnable format. All the bits that I don't remember... Till that piece of paper gets smaller and smaller. I'm actually quite good at the cram / quite enjoy it. Especially this content. Cell / Devo / Organ systems bio is so fun!!!
I did really crap on my health systems essay. They said I was 'editorialising'. They didn't want me to make a case / defend an idea. They just wanted me to... Regurgitate theirs. I think. I think that is how it is supposed to go. Everything wrong with the world... Increasing the volume of information without any advance in the content. I don't want to read one article and then 9 others that are people rephrasing that one article in their own words. I mean.. What is the point, really. Sigh.
Not good to piss management people off. Sigh.
Anyway... Ortho, meta, para directing here I come. Reagents. Sigh. Reaction schemas...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 16, 2015, at 20:21:28
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on April 16, 2015, at 3:47:16
I wish I had another week. Dammit. Needed to take a few days off over easter. For sanity. Nearly lost it, there, I did.
Remembering... That it was about this time last year that I had the bugs incident in my room... I really did have bugs (the bites were visible). But... With things like that... It is partly to do with immune stuff / how much they irritate you so you scratch at them...
I will be glad to get back, though. The people contact, yeah. The new stimulus. I just feel a little sad that I don't think I'll have squeezed all this into me the way I could have if I had another... Few days, at least. Just feel like I'm a few days short...
Anyway... I have learned a lesson about getting behind. It is hard because with classes at 8am... Then if you try and keep a bit of a routine with things like grocery shopping and the gym... And then you have fiddly administration tasks to do... The day just goes. People are honestly about 'when do you have time to study' and it really does feel like that... Especially with 3 hour labs (that take at least that to prep for)...
Anyway... I guess the thing to do is to get into the routine of spending at least 1 hour per night on chem and 1 hour per night on bio... In a semi-mindless state, even. Just to get the content into a learnable format... That first work through.
I think I've learned a lot about how to learn this stuff... With respect to needing to keep up. Really. For reals. They really do minimise the amount of time we have to cram. E.g., by giving us very early exams with not much time between... Chemistry first. Then only a day before bio in the afternoon. Followed by population health (UMAT prep style intelligence test, really) the following morning. Then a couple days before I get my *ss kicked for editorialising, again. Sigh.
Anyway.... Get used to long days. Huh.
God dammit... I wanna be a surgeon. For really. For really reals. Oh please let this turn out okay...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2015, at 19:03:37
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on April 16, 2015, at 20:21:28
chemistry exam: done.
feels funny. chemistry has been this worry in the back of my mind for the last couple years... done now. i hope i did enough. that's about all i can say, really. the exam felt a lot better than the last test. but i don't know. i felt pretty good about the first test and then was really disappointed in how much i managed to mess up, so will just have to wait and see. i... really don't know.
biology tomorrow. labs turned badly, again. basically lose one grade because of that. labs are... mostly about your ability to extract the appropriate answers from the laboratory demonstrators, feels like. certain things you can do to make that more likely... show them you have done some work before-hand etc etc. but if they decide it is fun for them to steer you wrong, or whatever, then, well, that's the way those go. Make sure we test / reward what it is that we value, oh yes, for sure.
i like the content okay but... mostly about studying for the exam, really. you can know the content but the questions be... odd. oddly phrased. tangential relationship between the questions and the lecture content. i see why people think the textbooks are a waste of time... study for the exam, indeed... Hunt down the answer to those questions as best you can... Go in prepared.
i don't need to do as well as the kids who've been trained up in doing this over the years... but... i still don't know that i can do well enough. you need people to back you, i see. people need to give you permission to try / to succeed / to have any hope in getting out. guess they will only back the people who they think are like them / are one of them etc. makes it more likely they will go back, i guess. means... they might be more likely to back the wrong ones in the first place (the ones who do better in their environment rather than the new one they are supposedly being selected for). I guess that is the point, really, from their perspective.
I've always felt... People were like 'she'll be right' even when I was very specific that I wasn't alright. And then 'oops tee hee' when it turns out that they were wrong - she'll not be alright, indeed. Turns out... The truth of it is... That they simply couldn't care less. Instead of them going 'what a bad fit, indeed, lets try and send her on with our blessings (since she's the child / the one without power / the one we've been charged with looking after / protecting / helping'... Instead of that... I think they'd have been happiest if I'd just have curled up and died, honestly. I wonder where all the Autistic Spectrum Maaori kids are. One doesn't have to look further than cot death, I suppose. If you cringed when people tried to cuddle you... You'd probably have been smothered.
Sigh.
Ugh. Not quite out of there yet...
Things are good. Except for the street kids who've moved into the low cost long term accommodation next door. There is an empty lot with a fence / billboards that keeps the empty lot hidden from the road. There is a side exit out of the accommodation with outdoor stairways up on to the roof etc. Recycle bins out the side etc. So... They party out there... Whooping and squealing and carrying on into the small hours of the morning. Throwing their glass around loudly and living in their... Trash, basically. The ground is all littered with trash for them to sit amongst. You can take them out / get them out. But if you take / get a whole bunch of them all together at the same time them they just sort of bring their sh*t with them.
Like how you defeat the purpose of total immersion overseas experience if you go with a bunch of other people who speak English / are from similar places.
Anyway... I think the culture here is fairly much that exam takes all. Got a C+ for that first law test, I remember, then did really much better in the exam so... Isn't quite this situation now since labs and tests do contribute towards our overall grade... But exams are worth around 50% so... Anyway... Just do the best I can is all I can do. Done Saturday evening next week. Will take a few weeks for things to go through boards of examiners and the like.
No more chemistry. And possibly... After this exam... Just possibly no more biology, too. I like the content... Shame about... Well... I guess you don't know whether things get better in later years without actually doing later years to see... I think... Most of the serious students mostly hate labs... Because they dont' actually teach you how to do anything properly... I think... I think... Because they don't know. Truth be told. So we're left playing the socially gregarious playing lab game...
I see why some of the great scientists did badly at academic science. Dropped out of school, even. I see why people don't care particularly about your grades... Why they don't mind / sort of expect uneven results. Or maybe I'm thinking of arts people who basically left science in disgust (or something)... Who got sick of the uneven grades. Who got sick of playing the 'lets study multi-guess questions over the last few years in order to deduce the correct fairly arbitrary answer' instead of... Maybe... Focusing on learning / understanding the content of the book...
I see why.... The kids think it is work. They've basically... Been trained to work, over the years. Sort of... Dilligently do this and then do that and then do the next thing. Carefully... Without errors. And of course sometimes they do get the opportunity to be creative (likely be berated for how they can only diligently do this and then do that and then do the next thing rather than be creative)...
I see why... The pre-med kids are all like 'do you expect us to learn that?' Because lecturers will throw up seriously detailed diagrams.. Far too many for you to learn... And so you need to know what it is exactly that they expect you to reporoduce / draw from memory for the exam for 10 marks... Or, at least narrow it down to a list of 3 or 4 that are up for grabs so the content is manageable. Or maybe that was just their long winded speel that was only there in a half-hearted attempt to help you narrow down multi-guess question 5 for one mark. And then the lecturers complain that students don't care about the content they only care about their grades. And the students who actually listen to what the lecturers say (focusing on content rather than studying for the exam) are the ones who either don't do well enough in science to continue... Or who don't get into med because they didn't do well enough... Just another case of how the people whose job it is to help you learn... Seem to delight in tricking students. In making them play 'find the content / answer that we have to learn' instead of giving them answers / content and seeing which ones of them can actually learn the most of them... It is just... Sigh.
Sigh.
It is just... The way it's been done. For a number of years. And people do think it is silly, sometimes. But they don't seem to think there is any alternative...
It feels faintly ridiculous. Lottery? That would be unfair. These sort of... random.. arbitrary assessments... I guess they are training us in useful skills? I don't know... Time for a holiday, soon, soon.. I suppose it is about doing your work. Doing the job. WOrking through the exams... Takes time. They are trying to reward the kids who have put in the most time. Not in the big cram before the exam but dilligently over the course of the semester (which is why they cram all our exams all together in the first week of the exam period so you'd likely run out of endurance during the actual exam if you weren't careful to pace yourself).
I suppose it is useful skills that they value. Sigh. Do I really think that clinical assessment skills are so very different from lab skills? Damned people. I just wanna... I dunno... Grow bone in a petrie dish, or something. You'd need to exercise it. I keep thinking about that. How you would exercise bone in a petrie dish... Whether you could get the matrix to form properly... Whether I might need bone plugs in my feet once the screws / the rest of the metal comes out. Heh. I'll build me better feet one day. I swears :-)
I hope I get into med. I think that physiology with the rest of them might be... Insufferable. For me.
Fingers crossed. I guess.
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