![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 2, 2010, at 11:51:45
Hey folks:
(Warning, long....)
I feel like I am in a crash and burn situation. They say, "that's the price"...but I am starting to believe Love is a Curse. I went through a couple of romantic relationships over the past few months. I think I posted about the second-last one somewhere on here.
It is this last one, a real sting. I guess 40 year old guys shouldn't be dating 21 year old women, no matter what they say. Even more sadly, is this event unfolded in a Strip Club. I'd known her..we will call her "A", for about a year, from visiting the club. She is a 'shooter-girl', working while going to teacher's college. And yes she was my type...blonde...big-middle size boobs...petite enough for her to jump up on me and wrap her arms and legs 360 degrees right around me. She had something for me, and I was starting to fall for her. This was over close to two months. Also...her and most of the strippers guessed my age to be 27...and of course I am 40..lol. So, that was a bit of an ego boost. "A" also sent me some erotic pictures of herself to me by email.
But then, she wanted to go have a "lap dance" (private dance...here in Ontario you can have full body contact *above* the waistline.) So, she picks a friend who is a dancer, and arranges for three of us to go back. Everything is fun and fine and sexy and all. "A" and I sat on the love seat while the dancer moved back and fourth between us. The dancer was only about 20 as well, so you could imagine my ego..lol.
So...then we get to the end. I say like "I...can't afford anymore." And the stripper goes "You owe me 560 dollars". I am like "WHAT!!" How? She said that because there where two people on the couch that doubled the price. Well, nobody sure as hell ever told me!..lol. I walked to the ATM and thought about it some more, and felt like I was conned into this. Most GOOD respectable dancers will call *ever* song, tell you how much, and ask if you want to go on. Not in this case, though.
So, the club was closing, and I knew I would give her the regular money for my dance, because that was the only protocol I knew. I am ready to leave, and the dancer is standing at the door, "where is my money..I gotta pay rent..blah blah blah." I give her 300, that was exactly what she was entitled too...and in fact was maybe even more. Well, she turned into a little baby, and then "A" followed through calling me nasty names and all this. They said they where going to get the bouncer, but by then I was in my car, and outta there.
First thing, I text'd "A" and called her a two-faced, turn-coat traitor. Then the battle just got ugly as you can imagine. Needless to say I don't go to that place anymore.
But, when I lost what I thought was not only a beautiful friendship, heading into a romance that may have been permanent (first time since I lost Katie in 97)...I've just been crying so hard. That money, that really has nothing to do with her, seems to have meant more to her than I did. That was a bit of a cut. She keeps texting me "Just come back and pay the money, and we can get back together again." First won't ever happen, so I guess second won't either.
Thanks for listening....
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 2, 2010, at 21:01:34
In reply to Can someone(s) lend me an ear, please..:-(, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 2, 2010, at 11:51:45
Posted by fayeroe on July 2, 2010, at 21:46:39
In reply to Can someone(s) lend me an ear, please..:-(, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 2, 2010, at 11:51:45
***But then, she wanted to go have a "lap dance" (private dance...here in Ontario you can have full body contact *above* the waistline.) So, she picks a friend who is a dancer, and arranges for three of us to go back. Everything is fun and fine and sexy and all. "A" and I sat on the love seat while the dancer moved back and fourth between us. The dancer was only about 20 as well, so you could imagine my ego..lol.***
Jay, I think you were set up. I know that you are hurt but you are probably better off now that she is out of your life. I believe the "act" was probably planned in advance and both girls counted on getting $560 out of you. I imagine that they were going to split it.
I know it is hard to think that someone that we feel close to would do something so hurtful but people do things that we don't understand.
At this point I would be happy that the bouncer didn't beat me to my car. I don't think it would be wise to go back. I'd stay clear of that area for the rest of my life.
Again, I'm sorry that this happened to you.
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 3, 2010, at 0:24:55
In reply to Re: Can someone(s) lend me an ear, please..:-( » Jay_Bravest_Face, posted by fayeroe on July 2, 2010, at 21:46:39
> ***But then, she wanted to go have a "lap dance" (private dance...here in Ontario you can have full body contact *above* the waistline.) So, she picks a friend who is a dancer, and arranges for three of us to go back. Everything is fun and fine and sexy and all. "A" and I sat on the love seat while the dancer moved back and fourth between us. The dancer was only about 20 as well, so you could imagine my ego..lol.***
>
> Jay, I think you were set up. I know that you are hurt but you are probably better off now that she is out of your life. I believe the "act" was probably planned in advance and both girls counted on getting $560 out of you. I imagine that they were going to split it.
>
> I know it is hard to think that someone that we feel close to would do something so hurtful but people do things that we don't understand.
>
> At this point I would be happy that the bouncer didn't beat me to my car. I don't think it would be wise to go back. I'd stay clear of that area for the rest of my life.
>
> Again, I'm sorry that this happened to you.Thank you Fayeroe for responding. I haven't felt so empty and lost in such a long time. It seemed when I had the money and it was spilling out of my pockets, everybody loved me then. As a 40 year old guy, who the heck my age wouldn't love the attention?! I basically maxed out close to 10 grand on a Visa to keep "shooter-girl" well-funded. She never once refused a tip at all!
It's just...call me naive and all...I just can't believe people do this. It's like pick-pocketing the corpses after a big accident. Sick, indeed.
I don't understand why it just seems to take money for a 40 year old guy to attract women. Like, I am not egotistical, but I have gotten in good shape due to my testosterone therapy, dress well, etc.
And I am *not* just after younger woman...even ladies my age or older still act the same way. I can't carry on alone. I just want it all to be done with. Like in the movie 'Scent of a Woman', where Al Paccino plays a blind guy who just wants to have one final night of "love making" with a beautiful woman (an escort, of course), have good food and drink, and then wants to end it all. That is really what I think like sometimes.
I am so lost....I am really so lost...
Jay :(
Posted by fayeroe on July 3, 2010, at 0:58:43
In reply to I don't want to carry on esp. this way warn. SI, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 3, 2010, at 0:24:55
Jay, my experience has been that when I am not looking, someone turns up.
Maybe you are "looking too hard". I know I've read other posts where you seemed really stressed out and anxious over meeting someone. Do you think that the women pick up on that? The girl that you felt close to probably felt it and knew she could move on that.Try to relax and don't put yourself out there so much. Do you have activities that you could take part in, like forums, lectures, etc.? UT always has really good programs and they are free. We can actually take any class the university offers and it doesn't cost. If you aren't in the class for credits, most schools will let you "sit in". I find that I enjoy the people in those classes because no one is going nuts trying to not get an "F". :-)
Do you have Habitat for Humanity there? It is a fantastic organization and here in my area as many women as men work on the houses. And we are doing something good for someone else.
Step 12 in Al Anon says "we're at our best when we are helping others". I probably butchered the quote but I know you catch the meaning.
Faye
Posted by Deneb on July 3, 2010, at 1:32:10
In reply to I don't want to carry on esp. this way warn. SI, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 3, 2010, at 0:24:55
Jay, I don't have much experience dating and what not, but I do know one thing...people are attracted to happy confident people. If you are not happy alone, you are not likely to attract a partner.
Just be cool with being alone. People pick up on desperation and some will take advantage of you as you've learned.
Try not to spend money to please others. Instead, do things that are free with them. That way you weed out the people who only want your money.
If they really love you, they just want to spend time with you.
Posted by Dinah on July 3, 2010, at 8:00:58
In reply to I don't want to carry on esp. this way warn. SI, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 3, 2010, at 0:24:55
Maybe this isn't the way to carry on. You were looking for a woman in a place where finding a good man and settling down isn't really the purpose, and using money to attract. The chances of finding someone who cares about you personally in those situations isn't all that high. Her behavior says nothing about *you*. It has to do with her job.
It's a place to go to, for wont of a better phrase, enjoy your sexuality. I've gotten the feeling from your recent posts that this is something you wish to do at this time. If what you want is attention, buying it from women who are employed giving attention to men is a good strategy. You just have to remember that when you're in that situation, the attention you get comes with a rather concrete price.
If that isn't what you want at this time, a change of fishing grounds might be a good idea, and a change of bait might be a good idea. If you want someone who cares about *you*, starting with someone you aren't paying is a good idea.
Jay, is it at all possible that the testosterone is driving your behavior right now? And the depths of your pain and rage? I try never to make permanent decisions when I am on a medication that I think may be affecting my outlook. Testosterone has a well known record of influencing mood, and not all for the better.
I'm sorry you've been hurt. I know that even in paid relationships real feelings can crop up, and I know how painful it can be to have a reminder that without money that relationship will end. But the intensity of the pain does pass eventually. I know that too. When it does, you'll be in a position to evaluate your goals right now, and figure out the best way to achieve them.
Is therapy, perhaps with a male therapist considering the testosterone and all, an option? At the very least, could you talk to a doctor about whether the testosterone could be making you feel worse right now?
I don't want you to be in such pain, Jay. I've known you for a very long time. I'd like better for you than for you to bankrupt yourself for attention and sex, when what I wish for you is caring and genuine affection.
Please see a doctor and look into the testosterone. I know you've liked the effects, but possibly there are effects that are hurting you right now.
And if you think you're in immediate danger, please call the emergency room. Can you talk to anyone in your family about helping you?
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on July 11, 2010, at 0:02:43
In reply to Re: I don't want to carry on esp. this way warn. SI » Jay_Bravest_Face, posted by Dinah on July 3, 2010, at 8:00:58
Thanks so kindly for your support folks. I am sorry it is a bit in time coming, but it's not like on t.v...the next episode doesn't air next week...you know..lol. It has taken well over a week and so just to TRY to start to find stability. My head is just still spinning.
I am going to have to go through a) personal therapy (not really CBT..some type of psycho-dynamic) to address my major problem of just basking and needing attention of women, and letting them walk all over me, use me, and spit me out..(reverse mysogyny)..heh. Secondly, credit counseling is in order, as I spent 10's of grands in everything imaginable in this dark and really seedy lifestyle. I was always "safe", thank God, and I never did *hard* drugs or anything like that. But, I *own up to MY responsibility*, and with therapy of all kinds, and some of my readings into the depths of philosophy, spirituality, emotional intelligence, I haven't ever felt so confident (yes, I am scared a bit too) about 'moving on'.
Dinah you where right about the testosterone, but I have also pinned it down to a major increase in my nortriptyline, which has caused some similar behaviour in the past. (Ever tell a cop to go f*** themselves?..ya..wise move, eh? I was VERY lucky to have met such an understanding officer.)
So, here are some little takes about the world, that really hit home with me, and make me just want to SCREAM UNNNNNNNNFAAAIRRRRRRR....heh..
Brought Up To Believe (aka What the Hell happened?..lol)
I was brought up to believe
The universe has a plan
We are only human
Its not ours to understandI was brought up to believe....
In a world of cut and thrust
I was always taught to trust
In a world where all must fail
Heavens justice will prevailAll is for the best
Believe in what were told
Blind men in the market
Buying what were soldBelieve in what were told
Until our final breath
While our loving Watchmaker
Loves us all to death............................................................................Jay-meister
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.