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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 16:41:24
I am very happy to have found this community. I am desperate for answers and hope.
I am a 21 year old girl who has fought depression for my entire life. I am a product of two mentally ill people. My mother is borderline, bipolar, type 2 depression, anorexic, bulemic and suffers with substance abuse. My father has severe anxiety and depression.Growing up in such environment greatly affected me and still does. Unlinke my parents I am desperate to break this cycle.
I recently moved out of their home for the last time. I got off all the substances I was using except marijuana. Entered therapy and started exercising. However here I am 4 months later. I was diagnosed as having major reoccuring depression, a mild bpd, ptsd, and an addictive personality.
I've been on countless combinations of scripts, but nothing has helped (even without other drugs in my system).
After another bout of serious depression and mood swings I have entered myself into a 28 day crisis stabilization program. I am being seen 2x a week by a therapist and psychiatrist. We are hoping to get my medication worked out.
But I feel so hopeless. Depression has taken over my life again. I do not want to continue with these patterns forever. I am desperate for change. And I just fear that I am doomed to lose this battle and continue to lose this fight forever.
I am seeking advice and encouragement.
Thanks
Posted by WaterSapphire on August 29, 2008, at 17:27:07
In reply to sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 16:41:24
HI Riot,
as a maladjusted product of a family with issues myself...I have to say it is a harder road for some of us than others. You are young still, and have many years ahead...and it is good and understandable that you want to break the cycle.
Coming to terms with what has happened with your family may take a long time, and in order to heal at all you have got to somehow find acceptance for yourself in an amongst the chaos. Also, being able to accept you have an emotional illness and that it is real is sometimes hard, but very important too. You cannot change them, for you can only change how you see and do things. After an entire lifetime of pain and remorse with my family, somehow despite everything else going wrong, I have finally come to peace with my parents and brother. It can happen, and I am 32 years old. It has just happened in the last 6 months. As far as medication goes, I have been one to not have the most luck so far, and now circumstances have been such that my choices for treatment and even getting to treatment/getting treatment are very hard. It is so awesome that you are seeking treatment and even coming here to open up. I don't remember even how I first came upon this site around 2004. I came and left (not because of the site), and came back again lol.
I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now. Seeing a light amidst everything is sometimes so difficult, but it is possible. Another thing to realize is that what works for one of us, might not work for another. Some people do better with a combination of alternative medicine in combo with their regular psych meds for example. There is an alternative board here if you are interested in checking that out too. Welcome here and I hope you can find what you are looking for and best wishes with your treatment program...
Chelle
Posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 18:26:33
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by WaterSapphire on August 29, 2008, at 17:27:07
Chelle.
Thank you for sharing. Its been hard for me to accept the reality of my illness for a long time. When I was diagnosed with some of the same disorders as my mom I was heart broken. I spent so long in denial. I have been trying to learn what these "diagnosis" mean without obsessing. I have made noted progress. But I still feel like I am just starting this.I know I am going to deal with these things forever, I just hope I can learn to love myself and learn to love life again.
I have accepted that I may never fit into my blood family. I simply do not live like they do. I break their cycle which is why they have always resented me. When my mom was going through her episodes I would always recognize it. No one else.
The biggest improvement I have made was the adoption of a therapy dog. She has brought a world of confidence to me. She is learning me and has already started sleeping touching me to sense if I am troubled.
Right now all I can do is take is one minute at a time.
> HI Riot,
> as a maladjusted product of a family with issues myself...I have to say it is a harder road for some of us than others. You are young still, and have many years ahead...and it is good and understandable that you want to break the cycle.
> Coming to terms with what has happened with your family may take a long time, and in order to heal at all you have got to somehow find acceptance for yourself in an amongst the chaos. Also, being able to accept you have an emotional illness and that it is real is sometimes hard, but very important too. You cannot change them, for you can only change how you see and do things. After an entire lifetime of pain and remorse with my family, somehow despite everything else going wrong, I have finally come to peace with my parents and brother. It can happen, and I am 32 years old. It has just happened in the last 6 months. As far as medication goes, I have been one to not have the most luck so far, and now circumstances have been such that my choices for treatment and even getting to treatment/getting treatment are very hard. It is so awesome that you are seeking treatment and even coming here to open up. I don't remember even how I first came upon this site around 2004. I came and left (not because of the site), and came back again lol.
> I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now. Seeing a light amidst everything is sometimes so difficult, but it is possible. Another thing to realize is that what works for one of us, might not work for another. Some people do better with a combination of alternative medicine in combo with their regular psych meds for example. There is an alternative board here if you are interested in checking that out too. Welcome here and I hope you can find what you are looking for and best wishes with your treatment program...
> Chelle
Posted by TexasChic on August 29, 2008, at 22:08:39
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 18:26:33
Hi there! Your situation sounds a lot like mine only you're finding help way earlier in life than I did. Getting away from the family (if it is a toxic environment) is probably the best thing you could have done. You have to have your refuge from the world where it is peaceful and you can refuse to see or talk to anyone you want!
I think getting a dog is an awesome idea too! That's so cool that he's a therapy dog, I never heard of that. I have a cat and I'm not sure I could have made it through some of my crisis without him!
Believe me, you're not alone in your frustration of the med merry-go-round! Probably everybody here has experienced that at some point (or still are). My best advice is to just keep trying. You never know when you will stumble across the right combo. My best combo turned out to be 80 MG Prozac daily, 300MG Wellbutrin daily and .5MG Xanax as needed. These don't solve all my problems (by far!), but they have made it to where I at least have the strength and willpower to TRY to make my life better (without medication I have neither). Would you like to share what you're taking and for how long?
It sounds to me like you're on the right track so far. Are you seeing a therapist regularly? For me that has been a very important part of coping with my problems. At your doctor you may spend most of you time talking about medications, but a therapist is someone to talk to just about your life and ways to make it better.
Anyway, don't feel bad if it takes awhile for people to respond. Remember we're all wrapped up in our own world of problems too, so sometimes it takes awhile for people to notice a new person. But they are very friendly here, and the best way to get to know people is to respond to other posts. You don't have to have 'an answer' to respond to a post. Just a word of encouragement like 'I hear you and I know where you're coming from'. Then people start getting to know you and start recognizing your name.
So I hope you stick around so we can get to know you better. Keep in mind, what that works for one person may not necessarily work for another. And also remember, none of us are doctors, we can only share our experiences and give support, so always use your own best judgment about what anyone tells you.
Welcome!
-T
Posted by WaterSapphire on August 30, 2008, at 8:37:52
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 18:26:33
Amidst all this, you have the hope and desire to
do something about it even if some things seem so
out of sorts or tangible right now. Believe it or not, this is a good thing and says alot about your strength of character.Happy Saturday...
Chelle
Posted by manic666 on August 30, 2008, at 12:21:33
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by WaterSapphire on August 30, 2008, at 8:37:52
hey riot babe,/uck you have a lot going on, your dog sounds cool , i have 2 dogs they sleep in my bed not a night, in the day when they feel the need,what about your friends are you like me when i was a kid i ran with a street gang because i needed to fit in . you no your ill i didnt no then i just thought dad was weired. so what did you do away from home to fit in , dont worry im a nosey bleeder an a good friend to many. ive been ill most my life but will not except getting older.which is cool i like the new bands an the older like ramones.hey were ill not dead live what you got baby we are spiecil. me i get real bad but hey im nuts. other times i see an feel things normals never will there the ones that miss out . take care baby xx manic666
Posted by Phillipa on August 30, 2008, at 12:38:09
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by manic666 on August 30, 2008, at 12:21:33
I agree you're lucky you found treatment early in life and stick with it and maybe a miracle will occurr for you. Nice to meet you. Phillipa
Posted by riot on August 30, 2008, at 13:06:37
In reply to sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 16:41:24
Thanks again everyone for your support.
my current medications are Lexapro (10mg sid)
and seroquel (50mg sid).i have tried- prozac, wellbutrin, paxil, celexa, cymbalta, klonopin, xanax, trileptal, neurontin, and combinations of many.
most antidepressants give me bad side effects. mainly dizziness, nausea, vertigo, tremors, double vision, and they kill my sex drive.
i am sensitive to most medications, and i have a sensitive stomach so i feel sick 90% of the time.
i also believe i have a hormone imbalance. i started puberty way too young, and i have horrible pms. sometimes i think half of the reason i feel so unstable is because of my hormones. i have had 2 miscarriages and the depression got significantly worse after my second. (in april).
i am pretty social akward. i tend to trust people too fast. this leaves me dissapointed a lot when i get hurt. most of my relationships were also very unstable. i have dated a lot of people that have depression, bipolar, and a number of other things. my fiance has ADD but thats about it. and he is my safety net. my one stable thing.
Posted by manic666 on August 30, 2008, at 14:04:31
In reply to sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 16:41:24
baby you have the same side effects as 98 percent of us on meds, thats how it goes you feel sh*t for weeks an if your lucky one may work. if not you start all over again . are you giving the meds a chance or are you bailing out early if so you will never find one .you no what they say no pain you no the rest. manic666
Posted by riot on August 30, 2008, at 14:13:34
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by manic666 on August 30, 2008, at 14:04:31
I was on prozac for about 7 months. I felt like a zombie. Then I tried the others but nothing over 2 months.
I did celexa and klonopin for about 7 months with very unstable moods.
Then I switched back to lexapro once I got insurance. Now that I am without insurance I can barely afford my script. And if I decide to stay on these meds ill have to order out of canada most likely since neither of my new meds are cheap.
So far I feel a lot better now that I am off of the cymbalta. I used to have to get up an hour before I went anywhere so I could make sure I would be near a bathroom for my morning "d" that the meds were giving me.
Before my moods would range from 1 to 10 but now I am stably around a 5. I am ok with this for now. I am not bad which is good. But im not great. Its my goal to hover around a 7. I may never be a stable 7, but its a goal.
I am also trying to exercise. I ride a bike and run trails. This is to try and replace my other habits. Smoking, eating, obsessing.
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2008, at 21:29:00
In reply to sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 29, 2008, at 16:41:24
Dear R,
I am so tremendously impressed with you!
I wonder if you know how amazing you are?
If you're doing all this at your young age, please don't despair. You really are making huge steps to help yourself.
You're most welcome here & I'm glad you found this place.
Please keep in touch. There are some amazing people here to support you. We all are going through our challenges so sometimes your posts will be answered by a lot of folks & sometimes not many or even none. It doesn't mean nobody is reading or nobody cares!
I wish you the very very best with your treatment & please don't give up hope. You've come a very long way, against big challenges, it sounds like.
(((((((((((((you)))))))))
luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2008, at 21:32:27
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 30, 2008, at 14:13:34
I've had quite a bit of success with some alternative methods. I've posted about them in the past on the 'Alternative' board. If you're interested, I'd be glad to share with you.
I don't know if you want to set your "Babblemail" setting to be able to receive 'babblemail'. It means that any of us here at PB can send you an email 'through' Dr. Bob, without having access to your email address.
:-) Kath
Posted by TexasChic on August 30, 2008, at 22:07:05
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 30, 2008, at 14:13:34
Its funny how people react so differently to meds. Lexapro made me a zombie and Prozac felt like it energized me. The addition of Wellbutrin seems to have given me the boost I needed to get out of that deep dark hole of depression.
I know about not being able to afford meds too. I have that problem a lot even WITH insurance. About a month and a half ago I started taking Strattera for ADD. When I first started it, it made me nauseous all day long for several days. I toughed it out and the nausea eventually went away after a week or two. Then last week I ran out and couldn't afford it yet. So finally today I got it refilled and tonight I took the first one after not taking them for a week. So now I'm waiting to find out if I'm going to go through the whole nausea thing again! What fun!
Anyway, I hope it helps to know you're not alone in all this. I mean the whole thing not just the nausea stuff. (I'm not saying, "Yea! Group nausea!") So hang in there. And I'll hold your hair if you hold mine!
-T
P.S. It usually takes awhile for people to get my sense of humor.
Posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 0:56:18
In reply to Re: sick of being sick » riot, posted by TexasChic on August 30, 2008, at 22:07:05
kath-
thanks for your encouragement. i made the choice to leave my parents. i needed to get out of their cycle before it killed me. i was having such severe anxiety that i couldnt come home. i lived out of a car and from bed to bed for almost 11 months because i couldnt handle being put down by my father. i od'ed on xanax after a 4 day coke/alcohol/.....drug binge. i had come home after working at a strip club to try and make money to finish school. my dad started telling me how horrible i was and i just couldnt take it (he didnt know i was stripping). i threw him all the money i made and started downing xanax. it was terrifying. in hysterics, i finally told him about my miscarriage and his words were the most hurtful he has ever said. i was so scared i tried calling people, texting people, trying to get a ride but no one called.
i woke up 16 hours later, withdrew from school, bought a plane ticket and left without saying goodbye to almost anyone.i have tremendous anxiety right now with speaking to my mother or father. i have 95%of my belongings at their house, but i dont want them. part of me just wants to say f/ck it and leave it. i am done being the person they turn me into. they expect me to act like an adult but treat me like a child.
everything has always been my fault. his problems, my moms problems, my sister, my brother.... so of course when i screw up.f/cked.
i never got into trouble. smart in high school, graduated early. but i think i was desperate even then to just get out.i am thankful i didnt marry when i thought i was ready. i was definitely in my share of relationships that got too serious. i just recognized quickly that it wasnt working.
my boyfriend "six"- is literally everything i prayed for as a little girl. he is my knight and shining armor. he is that arms that hold me when i cry. he is probably the first person i have been able to trust enough with my life that he has the right to help me make decisions in a time of crisis. right now we live with his parents, which isnt so bad. his mom has fibromyalgia and i kind of help pick up after her and my boyfriend. they have embraced me with open arms and are giving me the chance to take care of myself so that i can have a better chance at a brighter future.
---long post--- sorry. just kind of more about whats going on.
Posted by Kath on August 31, 2008, at 22:00:50
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 0:56:18
Don't worry about long post - I think I'm queen of the long posts (sometimes).
I am so sorry you've had so much pain in your life & I am SO glad that you have a wonderful boyfriend & his mom to be supportive & kind & caring.
You've been through so much & it is great to know that you're going forward in a positive way with your life.
I respect you a LOT.
Please keep us up to date with how things are going for you.
love, Kath
Posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 22:30:24
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 0:56:18
I think what's so hard is that I can't trust anyone. Mainly because ever person I love has left me. Including friends, mentors, and boyfriends.
I want to learn to trust again. Part of that comes from learning to trust and love myself. I don't trust my own decision making mainly because everything I have ever done has been "wrong".
Right now I feel like I don't serve a purpose on this planet. I want to make a difference. I have no idea how.
Posted by Kath on September 3, 2008, at 17:45:49
In reply to Re: sick of being sick, posted by riot on August 31, 2008, at 22:30:24
> I think what's so hard is that I can't trust anyone. Mainly because ever person I love has left me. Including friends, mentors, and boyfriends.
******Of course it would be very hard, given your past! It's part of you protecting yourself...taking good care of yourself!!!***
> I want to learn to trust again. Part of that comes from learning to trust and love myself.
****Give yourself time. Last sentence above sounds pretty 'wise' to me!! Insightful.***I don't trust my own decision making mainly because everything I have ever done has been "wrong".
**********I just copied part of your first post. I do NOT agree with you on 'everything I have ever done has been "wrong"...read the following quote from YOU!! :-)
"I recently moved out of their home for the last time. I got off all the substances I was using except marijuana. Entered therapy and started exercising....
After another bout of serious depression and mood swings I have entered myself into a 28 day crisis stabilization program. I am being seen 2x a week by a therapist and psychiatrist. We are hoping to get my medication worked out."Really - that is a LOT of great stuff you've done. I hope you can pretend someone else is telling you that they did all that...I wonder if you'd think they had done some good stuff! Even if you wouldn't, I really think the above stuff that you've done is AMAZING!!!!!******
> Right now I feel like I don't serve a purpose on this planet. I want to make a difference. I have no idea how.
*******Give it time hunnee. :-)
You've had a lot of trauma in your life. Right now, I'd say you're doing your "job" of getting help for yourself & getting better. You have your whole life to serve a purpose on this planet & to make a difference. Really! People like you, who have suffered a lot & experienced a lot of trauma, have a LOT to offer humanity because you can empathize with others in their suffering. You might decide to study to work in a helping 'field' or you might not - if you don't, you can still offer your insight & your empathy.Please be patient. Right now it's time to take care of yourself & to heal.
I send my love.
Kath
PS - I hear your pain & frustration. I'm sorry if I might seem to be minimizing that! It must feel very frustrating to maybe feel 'stuck'.
It sounds like you have some very good support in place. you've done an amazing job...good things take time.....with the determination that you have, I believe that you'll succeed.
xoxo Kath
PS - I'm going away for a week on Saturday. And am not sure how much I'll be on the computer over the next couple of days. i care about you. I find it really exciting to hear of someone your age who is forging ahead in a positive way with their life!
Please keep us 'posted' about how things are going for you.
This is the end of the thread.
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