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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 42. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 10:28:03
I can't keep my mind from going u-know-where.
Think worsened very much when I'd decided must let go of a sig-other of 14yrs. It had been painful though, to do alone, so I must have reached out too much; hence hand slappings.
As well, its crossed my mind FOO and children may be withholding love to push me to do u-know-what, to get me in a hospital or other facility. (I've shared it is the one and only way to get in.)
Through trial and error before father passed away, I believe I now know 'the way to go', 'for good', which I'd do(!) as I won't be punished for what I really didn't want to do in the first place. I've shared my pdoc not amenable to any AD, as none have worked, so just Xanax, but have access to other meds.
I believe it's Fri, thus my desperation intense knowing any support closed for weekend.
I have a bill here for $70 and only $40 in account to last to end of month. I am not from a family without money. I asked mother for help and see there is a 24kb response in inbox. Most usually she says no. I don't dare read it or could be big trigger.
When father passed away, think 'I shopped' to divert grief. I lost control and have approx $200 more monthly debt than a budget of which my income allows. Already consolidated and cut up plastics, but for one in case need food.
I'm reacting to all this physically as well, w/ constant stomachache and terrible cramping at the worst times. Just soup and crackers last night and awakened to distended and hard stomach.
APPRECIATE HELP ME GET THRU WKEND, ANY WHO HAVE TIME, ... I'm pretty frightened. NO IRL friend or fam to call on. Sig-other is **th user and so far haven't gone there; calling him I mean.
I can't think positively long enough to sustain any real comfort.
I think, with the right help, I could pull out of this, but haven't received a call, or even a time and place of maybe a group 'just to talk'; nothing from T, pdoc, or others caregivers aware of this desperation I'm feeling. I began to elicit their attn on Monday! T off today. Only chance might be a call from pdoc, but would be very rare.
tks all, 5f
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 17, 2008, at 11:10:44
In reply to Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 10:28:03
5F,
you sound so desperate and miserable. If you truly have intention and means to kill yourself, you must go to hospital. That is the safest option for you. They will feed you there, and help you with any medical issues you have. Also, they can help you get stabilized on a med regimen.My heart goes out for you. I want you to BE safe and to FEEL safe.
This weekend could be really difficult for you, and I wish you could do something for yourself. maybe steal some of the neighbor's flowers in the middle of the night to make a bouquet?
I think you have a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for. A lot of people might have gone back to their ex-sig-other, even knowing about the subst. abuse. stuff.
give yourself some credit.
Thinking of you,
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2008, at 11:24:51
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger** » Fivefires, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 17, 2008, at 11:10:44
FF we've been online friends for a long time and have to agree with LI. I think have an e-mail in box will read now. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 12:55:47
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger** » Fivefires, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 17, 2008, at 11:10:44
> 5F,
> you sound so desperate and miserable.>I am.
>If you truly have intention>
What to say? I'm cognitively clear and aware at this time to self-talk 'I am valuable and my children need me'. Honestly.
>and means to kill yourself, you must go to hospital. That is the safest option for you. They will feed you there, and help you with any medical issues you have. Also, they can help you get stabilized on a med regimen.
>Ll, this is the part that has sometimes 'not' happened for me. I've seen the most non-nutritious foods served to people who have come in re: ideation and plan. They are obviously malnourished and with poor immune systems. I was at one; in 2005 re: nervous breakdown. I wrote in different things like vitamin, Ensure, yogurt, fruit. All these poor people were sitting around me w/ meat that looked like wood and an overcooked vegetable and some sort of bread. This was in the psychiatric ward. The doctors .. bah! The nurses station was surrounded by glass. Patients were visibly and obviously and embarrassingly ignored so badly, I nearly lost my temper, but had I, there was a very large man who would have followed me around the rest of the day and who knows what else! It was horrid. Once after a detox and then onto a chem. depend. unit, after dc'ing back pain meds 5yrs back, patients were treated much better.
>
> My heart goes out for you. I want you to BE safe and to FEEL safe.
>
> This weekend could be really difficult for you, and I wish you could do something for yourself. maybe steal some of the neighbor's flowers in the middle of the night to make a bouquet?
>
> I think you have a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for. A lot of people might have gone back to their ex-sig-other, even knowing about the subst. abuse. stuff.
>
> give yourself some credit.
>
> Thinking of you,
> -LlThanks for your suggestions and for being here. I'd have to go outside to hunt down flowers, but good idea. Giving self credit never has been so difficult. Family used to rally around one who might do this, but I'd not doubt they think I'm lieing, or they're just giving up because nothing has ever really helped me. None live here so for all they know, sig-other here now or has been in the recent past. Maybe pdoc or T will call. (It's Thursday and I thought it was Friday!)
There are two places I would go where I've not seen treatment like the above, but each time called they've said no beds.(?) I'd be gone right now if had a bed, yet still I'd have to do a lot more than admit to ideation. You get that part? I don't think there's any lieing your way in anymore.I don't understand why I've 'no choice' in the facility I go into to. I think we need preventative care for people w/ ideation and then they should be able to choose where they go. It must be the criminality of having a plan that revokes any rights.
Let me just be here w/ you all. But, have to get offline now and then re: dial-up and maybe a call from a provider.
I'm relieved it's not Fri.
My daughter, the one who sort of 'dumped me', sort of said she was sorry yesterday. She and will be gone Fri-Sun, which scares me most.
I've not stopped eating; just stomach hard as a rock and distended. I do have a PCP appt tomorrow. (I thought it was 2hrs away a minute ago and was panicking at the thought of showering and dressing and driving, but it is a MUST GO, not today but tomorrow.) I'll address my stomachache there, and maybe more. I may speak w/ him about MAOIs. He's the PCP who thinks meditation and chanting will help me. But too, if he sees how I look today, tomorrow, he'll prob' re-think that approach at this time.
tks, 5f
Posted by karen_kay on April 17, 2008, at 16:12:18
In reply to Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 10:28:03
now don't you go giving up over somethign as trivia as money (and man, if i were rich, i'd send you a billion dollars. however, i'm broke as a joke and half tmepted to ask you for some :)
and about the other people in your family withholding support: that's their action (inaction, i guess) that they will have to deal with hun. i'm sorry your family isn't more responsive, but please do remember there are people here and elsewhere who care about you and yoru safety.
please take care of yourself hun. you're a gem.
love,
kk
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 16:30:21
In reply to you will get through this dear!!! » Fivefires, posted by karen_kay on April 17, 2008, at 16:12:18
I had a feelin' it was you before even opened ... you put a smile on my face all the time karen_kay.
"I want what you're taking!"
5f
Posted by Poet on April 17, 2008, at 16:54:13
In reply to Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 10:28:03
Hi 5F,
I'll check babble frequently this weekend. Hang in there. I'd say lean on me, but I'm pretty emotionally unstable these days and we'd both fall down, so grab onto something tight and don't let go.
Take care. I care about you.
Poet
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 18:35:15
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger** » Fivefires, posted by Poet on April 17, 2008, at 16:54:13
I'll visualize that Poet. Tks so much. 5f
Posted by TexasChic on April 17, 2008, at 19:52:27
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 18:35:15
I don't know how much that means to you that some random anonymous person cares, but it is sincere and heartfelt. For those of us who know what its like to experience the debts of depression, its hard not to identify with someone else experiencing it. You just want to give all your strength to that person to get through it. (((Fivefires)))
-T
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 20:12:52
In reply to I may not know you well, but I care, posted by TexasChic on April 17, 2008, at 19:52:27
Tks T.
There's something about complete strangers caring that really puts the cherry on the cake though .. ya know ... those 'kind' of people.
Butt, we've known each other for a while here. Remember?
Jeez ... You/all are really helping me so much.
5f
Posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 20:43:52
In reply to Re: I may not know you well, but I care, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 20:12:52
Hi Sweetie,
sorry - I wasn't online during weekend.
Sorry not there for you.
I am wondering how you're feeling right now.
MUCH LOVE Kath
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 18, 2008, at 10:48:10
In reply to Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 10:28:03
Hi, sweetie: Am sorry about what is going on in your life. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse; verry long story.
am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, so am busy talking on weekends.
if you wish: wacalice@aol.com......is my e-mail addy; feel free to contact me; I will talk to you (via phone, also if you wish).
Love, Sassy
Posted by Fivefires on April 18, 2008, at 12:08:22
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 18, 2008, at 10:48:10
Tks sassyfrancesca (wow!), and I may just do this as I tend to push this part of my life as far from my consciousness as possible, which I don't know I believe is doing me any good. It is the way of DBT. Still, I am not convinced it is right for everyone.
5f
Posted by texaschic on April 18, 2008, at 14:58:19
In reply to Re: I may not know you well, but I care, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 20:12:52
> Butt, we've known each other for a while here. Remember?
I'm so bad with names, especially with everyone always changing them. I've gotten used to not always knowing exactly who I'm talking to. I'm a little dingbatty that way.
-T
Posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2008, at 17:51:25
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 18, 2008, at 12:08:22
FF did you see your pdoc today? Love Phillipa seems everyone is changing names very confusing.
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 17:52:23
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 18, 2008, at 12:08:22
Fivefires I care too sweetie. I have belatedly responded to your other threads above.
I haven't been on social alot but I am checking now and will do so more often. I have been on vacation.
But I will check back too. I want you to stick around. You are a valued member of Babble.
I know there is help for you. Even if it is just here with us little ole Babblers who care about you deeply.
rsk
Posted by Fivefires on April 21, 2008, at 17:16:53
In reply to Re: I may not know you well, but I care, posted by texaschic on April 18, 2008, at 14:58:19
T & all:
Not sure I responded to you T. I too share the ding-batty trait.
So sorry re: absence over wkend.
Was drawn into web of IRL and got stuck thinking was in a place of comfortable, but turned out to be a place of deceit. Can't take much more.
Made proper phone calls again today.
Can we please re-join hands now?
I need you to know you're here with me.
5f
Posted by Kath on April 23, 2008, at 21:07:19
In reply to Re: I may not know you well, but I care, posted by Fivefires on April 21, 2008, at 17:16:53
Hey FF,
there are a couple of 'threads' going. How about starting a new one?
Just a thought.
you're in my thoughts.
luv, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 18:09:49
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger** » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2008, at 17:51:25
> FF did you see your pdoc today? Love Phillipa seems everyone is changing names very confusing.>
Moving from down upwards ... being date was 4-18, would say 'no' ... haven't seen for so long can't even find a calendar that old o_o; ok that's a stretch. Think saw in March.
Phone conversations only.
Although soon will see diff' pdoc every 30days for 15m and reg' pdoc every 90days for 15min, so that does give me at least one hour every 90 days!
I'm sick to stomach again. Can't eat a thing. Frown on face. Tummy distended. Fell like saying 'bad words' 'very bad words'.
I'm awaiting some inspiration to hit me here.
I am researching treatment centers w/ variety of docs on board.
I am wondering if I'm ready for an appt I've had scheduled for over two months now with an endocrinologist this coming Friday and thinking 'not at all', 'cuz, if no one see to help me here and they know what's going on, as they very well do now, why would this 'new stranger' be inclined to delve in?
Keep seeing myself standing on the corner in a sandwich board thingy, saying someting about death and healthcare ... very politically incorrect words though.
Anyone think of the right words that would get attn and aren't against law? I'm halfway serious.
Hope all well this Sunday ... heart and hand w/ you all
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 27, 2008, at 19:10:24
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 18:09:49
FF time for the meds board active there. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on April 27, 2008, at 19:12:54
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 18:09:49
Nothing wrong with going to a new doctor, in my opinion.
If you can try & be concise & clear. Not easy when one is so upset, I know.
love, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 21:07:21
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger** » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 27, 2008, at 19:10:24
What's up with this Phillipa?
I'm going through all these emotions right now and none of them have to do with a change of meds. They have to do w/ what I may or may not face when I do this. I not only plan to switch to a medication which will be very foreign to my body, but also to, a few months later, detox off meds and with what I remember of before having them, live a life where you wake up feeling like someone shook your head and beat it against a wall all night long! And, then when I feel this, I think about the a**hole who did it to me, and the damned injustice of all of it. Why do I feel you are digging at me to hurt before it is to even begin? Don't you see how scared I am?
I'm sorry; I'm feeling pushed. You can't push someone when they are facing an entire change in their life.
Where is this coming from Phillipa?
Has a deputy instructed you to instruct me to move this thread?
5f
Posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 22:26:26
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger** » Fivefires, posted by Kath on April 27, 2008, at 19:12:54
Yep, agree.
I'm glad I'll be 'heard' once a month now.
Clear and concise Kath? Try is all I can do; that does sound wimpy. Okay, I'll put forth a real effort to be so.
And, I will have 'two' pdocs which I think is better than one, ... ya' know two points of view, and two genders, and two makes it easier on the other one when on on pins and needles awaiting a return call. I do hope they'll let me continue this way, especially now that can see T only every 2wks again.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 27, 2008, at 22:33:53
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 21:07:21
Five Fires for exactly the reasons we discussed you're changing meds and you need to learn as much as possible before you begin. Social is for the emotional and friendly issues. If you like post here. It's your decision. Love you and you know this Love Phillipa ps I'd like to see you get as much feedback as you can.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 28, 2008, at 8:06:59
In reply to Re: Very Close To Ending This H*ll! **trigger** » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 27, 2008, at 22:33:53
Hi 5f,
I am glad to hear that your treatment team is expanding. You are a very strong woman, and you deserve all the support you can get right now.Please take good care of yourself. Sometimes med changes throw in a kind wackiness into the system, which can upset what is already a delicate balance. Stay strong and try a drug for at least 2 weeks before you give up on it.
gentle hugs,
-LL
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