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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 10:56:59
I have a hard time making friends. I am very shy, especially when it comes to striking up a conversation in a group setting, like in class. When someone talks to me I have no problem talking to them and being friendly, but usually they have to make the first move. Consequently I don't have all that many friends and I get very lonely on the weekends.
Lately I have been depressed too, so I don't feel like I am such good company to be around.
Everyone else seems to have so many more friends than me. This makes me feel bad about myself. I even choose to live alone because I'm afraid my roommates wouldn't like me.
Posted by Phillipa on February 9, 2007, at 12:53:31
In reply to Hard time making friends, posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 10:56:59
Where what state or country do you live in? If it's Canada I might have a suggestion. Love Phillipa
Posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 13:39:52
In reply to Hard time making friends, posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 10:56:59
I'm like that too. I did a lot of therapy homework practicing things like making eye contact with strangers and saying "hi"
So I found cognitive-behavioral therapy useful for that. You kind of have to force yourself to go just a little outside your comfort zone, frequently. Comment on the weather to a cashier. Don't expect to accost some stranger and have a new best friend. If you slowly expand your comfort zone you'll start finding friends easier to have.
Also, don't compare. I'll bet you'd find that most of the "friends" of people you know really have a fairly superficial relationship to one another. That's the norm. If you have 3-4 good friends that's probably an exceptionally large number, even though it may not feel like it!
Posted by Dinah on February 9, 2007, at 13:55:13
In reply to Hard time making friends, posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 10:56:59
I agree with everything Caraher said.
I also think we tend to overestimate how many friends other people have based on unrealistic depictions in culture.
I read recently that there are actually classes especially for this, for adults. I doubt there are any in my area, but I sure could benefit from some.
Also, some medications help with social anxiety, allowing the therapy a chance to teach you new skills.
This *is* a fixable problem.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on February 9, 2007, at 15:43:54
In reply to Re: Hard time making friends » DannaB, posted by Dinah on February 9, 2007, at 13:55:13
Well I agree with all the above and you do have lots of friends....us here on babble! I'm your friend!
It does take time and hard work finding friends. And yes, I bet all those folks you see with 'friends' are very superficial. I prefer one or two really close friends. Its definately a skill, making contact with people for the first time etc etc. I'm actually kinda weird, in the sense that I'm fine talking to strangers and people in class and come across as being quite friendly but I can never suggest the next step, like going for coffee or for a drink or whatever. I always leave that to the other person! Unless we're good friends already. Oh well.
Kind regards
Meri
Posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 22:59:12
In reply to Re: Hard time making friends » DannaB, posted by Phillipa on February 9, 2007, at 12:53:31
Thanks for your kind replies. I'm located in the northeast US, Phillipa.
I literally spend MOST of every single day alone...except when I have class or work, and then I spend it "alone in a group."
I have literally made TWO friends at my school. Both of them have boyfriends and consequently are often busy on weekends, Friday & Saturday nights, etc.
I am starting to worry. It can't possibly be good to spend so much time alone. I still have my boyfriend, but our relationship is just hanging by a thread and because of his schedule I don't see much of him anyway.
Help!! The big events in my week are classes and my therapist appointment. There are some weekends when I literally do NOTHING except my reading for school and watching tv. I have been so depressed and once I get into a pattern (and lose touch with the few friends I do have) it is impossible to start making plans. I have almost no hobbies and sadly the close "phone friends" (from home) I've had are more distant now. Maybe they sense the depression and that's driving them away?
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on February 10, 2007, at 4:48:56
In reply to It's getting worse..., posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 22:59:12
Hey, well I spend my life pretty much as you describe! I don't feel lonely, in fact I quite enjoy spending time on my own, but I do realise that some people aren't like this.
Its hard. I don't know what to suggest! Can you ask a classmate you like out after class for a coffee or something? I mean, like say 'I'm going for a coffee now do you want to come'? Or ask them via email... And then if they say no, go for a coffee anyway. I dunno. Can you meet up with your bf abit more often? Can you go out with him and his friends? Are there any societies you can join (which I know is a cheesy suggestion, but they do help!). But I joined what I thought would be a cheesy society and there was a girl there that I clicked with and now we're friends outside of the society.... or perhaps you could volunteer somewhere? Does your deparment have a soceity or social occassions? They are great way to get to know people. Just ring those friends up who've gotten more distant.... just to say hi. Or can you email them? I have skpye and its great!
I used to get lonely but I've gotten used to it now.
Kind regards
Meri
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on February 10, 2007, at 4:51:52
In reply to It's getting worse..., posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 22:59:12
Or could you do to a place of worship (whatever your faith is). Even if you don't have a faith, you could join something you're interested in, eg social work or something like that? I'm thinking of joining the local green group but I've been too lazy to actually do anything about it yet!
Posted by philyra on February 10, 2007, at 9:17:33
In reply to It's getting worse..., posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 22:59:12
Hi Danna,
I have a hard time making friends, too. I even get really shy and anxious around the friends I do have - even long-term friends. I'm starting to learn more about my social anxiety that way.
I have to really push myself to spend time with people, and one way I like is to "work" with people. I ask someone if they want to study in a coffee shop with me - this is a big one. You dont' have to talk a lot, but just having some companionship is nice. And when you do talk, it can be lovely!
Do you like to cook? I find that asking people over for dinner is an easy way to be around people without talking much :). I get so busy with the cooking and cleaning up that they just talk amongst themselves and I get to jump in once in a while, or stay at the table if I'm feeling comfortable.
I'm always more comfortable at a party if I'm doing something - helping fix food, clean dishes, etc. I can't stand making small talk but I like being around people, so...I've figured out some good tricks.
I hope this helps. It will get better. Also - is there a group at school you can join? At my school we have lots of reading groups that meet over lunch or drinks, we have a unionization group, a graduate school center where I've chatted with people...being in school is one of the best ways to deal with social anxiety, I think.
take care,
philyra
Posted by sunnydays on February 10, 2007, at 10:16:39
In reply to It's getting worse..., posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 22:59:12
> I literally spend MOST of every single day alone...except when I have class or work, and then I spend it "alone in a group."
**** Me too. I'm also a student. I think you would be surprised at the number of people who do.
>
> I have literally made TWO friends at my school. Both of them have boyfriends and consequently are often busy on weekends, Friday & Saturday nights, etc.**** I get that. I hate when my friends are all busy with their boyfriends and I can't see them.
>
> I am starting to worry. It can't possibly be good to spend so much time alone. I still have my boyfriend, but our relationship is just hanging by a thread and because of his schedule I don't see much of him anyway.**** Try to smile at people, say hi in class. Eventually maybe more friends will come along. Easier said than done, I know.
>
> Help!! The big events in my week are classes and my therapist appointment.**** ME TOO!!! I go to class, I go to therapy, and I have a part-time job. I do like the job because I interact with people there. Is there a job you could get so you wouldn't feel alone all the time? Just a few hours a week?
There are some weekends when I literally do NOTHING except my reading for school and watching tv.
**** There are many weekends where I do this. Even when I have every intention of doing other things, too.
I have been so depressed and once I get into a pattern (and lose touch with the few friends I do have) it is impossible to start making plans. I have almost no hobbies and sadly the close "phone friends" (from home) I've had are more distant now. Maybe they sense the depression and that's driving them away?
**** I don't know, but I know the depression feeling. It's hard being so isolated. Try to reach out a little tiny bit. What does your T say about being alone?
sunnydays
Posted by Honore on February 10, 2007, at 11:34:50
In reply to Hard time making friends, posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 10:56:59
Hi, DannaB.
I've always had trouble making friends, too.
Could you find a group to go to? That';s a good way to work on social relationships and comfort.
Also, Deneb and some people are going to try to work on Martha Linehan's DBT workbook. It also has a lot of practical ideas for trying new thing, self-soothing in situations where your emotions are overwhelming what you'd like to do, and exercises.
Would you be interested in trying that?
I do think a group would be great for you, though.
Where in the NE do you live, if you don't mind saying.
Honore
Posted by Honore on February 10, 2007, at 11:37:35
In reply to Re: Hard time making friends, posted by Honore on February 10, 2007, at 11:34:50
The discussion on DBT is on the psychology page.
Honore
Posted by Declan on February 10, 2007, at 18:06:28
In reply to Hard time making friends, posted by DannaB on February 9, 2007, at 10:56:59
Volunteer work has its advantages. At the station everyone is very nice because it simply couldn't work if they were not.
And they are all somewhat different to whatever so I fit in OK.
I've met more people that way than any other.It's odd that there should be so many lonely people who have difficulty making friends.
When it happens naturally you can see that youth has a lot to do with it.
The atmosphere at a kids party when the parents leave and briefly return can be electric.
And to miss out on that is correspondingly painful.
Posted by DannaB on February 10, 2007, at 22:31:48
In reply to Re: Hard time making friends, posted by Declan on February 10, 2007, at 18:06:28
I've decided to make a concerted effort to do at least two things:
--attend one event sponsored by my school every week
--try not to allow my "excuses" for staying isolated to stop me from getting out
Posted by Jay on February 13, 2007, at 8:19:42
In reply to Great ideas, everyone, posted by DannaB on February 10, 2007, at 22:31:48
Ya, but it is still difficult. I am 37, and have lost pretty much all of my former friends. They all mostly thought they where better, smarter, etc, then I. A former 'supposed best friend' just dumped me in the cold, left town and everything, and didn't even contact me about so. He was in grad school, and the only job he could get was at the 7-11, and I offered to help him get a job in the social service agency I worked at. But, he got accepted to do a 'Doctoral' program, then just bailed on me completely. He really stuck his nose up at me, like an elitist @sshole.
Another one told me I made him "..too stressed and depressed". He phoned me to directly tell me this!! Others just didn't seem to think I was "cool" anymore. (whatever that is..)
I've got a few guys at my job that I might start hanging out with. But, yes I am still a bit "bitter", and I know that is not healthy. It just seems that around the start of my depression, and treatment, all of this other stuff with these people started happening. You folks on here have been close to being my 'real' friends. Thanks for all of your support...
Jay
Posted by philyra on February 13, 2007, at 10:57:44
In reply to Re: Great ideas, everyone, posted by Jay on February 13, 2007, at 8:19:42
Hi Jay,
When I got depressed I quickly found out who my real friends were. Only one stuck by me! I had to make new friends who could meet me at that level.
I like to think of it as having outgrown my friends. :)
take care,
philyra
Posted by DannaB on February 22, 2007, at 20:50:15
In reply to Re: Great ideas, everyone » Jay, posted by philyra on February 13, 2007, at 10:57:44
It's true...you find out your real friends when you're depressed.
I had this one friend who, interestingly enough is a mental health professional. In college she had a relationship with a rather disturbed boyfriend, and I remember her sitting in my room crying and talking for hours when I supported her.
Well, she distanced herself from me after I called her upset after I broke up with a (previous) boyfriend. Guess she didn't want to be bothered. Lately she doesn't even return my calls.
Posted by DannaB on February 22, 2007, at 20:51:39
In reply to Re: Hard time making friends, posted by Honore on February 10, 2007, at 11:34:50
Hmm, maybe I'll look into this. Let me check out your discussion on the other page.
I have to say that I haven't had much luck with self-help books before...but I'm willing to try :)
This is the end of the thread.
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