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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart on September 14, 2006, at 21:41:44
I'm distant to people in converstation, going up and talking. I rather just be to myself, why is this this way i hate it, i could just god.
I am in a situation where i chose to be by myself, and the reason of that is because i know i feel i lack social skills. I dont give good eye contact, i say stuff really fast like i want to get it over with..... its not intresting either.
What kind of therpist should i talk to?
Matt
Posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 14, 2006, at 22:24:13
In reply to What is wrong with me socially?, posted by rjlockhart on September 14, 2006, at 21:41:44
if you chose to be alone why is that a problem?
if you rather be alone why is that wrong?
..neurotic sounds much better than mentally ill..
Posted by Phillipa on September 14, 2006, at 22:56:02
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially?, posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 14, 2006, at 22:24:13
Matt why not post this on psychology? And e-mail me love Jan
Posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 14, 2006, at 23:50:16
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially?, posted by Phillipa on September 14, 2006, at 22:56:02
i feel, as tho i think he was addressing "social issues"..
love jan
Posted by Racer on September 15, 2006, at 2:13:02
In reply to What is wrong with me socially?, posted by rjlockhart on September 14, 2006, at 21:41:44
Posted by Phillipa on September 15, 2006, at 18:47:56
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially?, posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 14, 2006, at 23:50:16
Matt and I are quite good friends. I know him better than most. Love Phillipa
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 15, 2006, at 19:20:50
In reply to What is wrong with me socially?, posted by rjlockhart on September 14, 2006, at 21:41:44
Practising talking to people in emails and IM can help...you don't have to worry about their facial expression!!! Or yours, or eye contact, or not.
If you need to be by yourself a lot, there is nothing wrong with that.
Take care,
Butterfly
Posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 15, 2006, at 20:00:55
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially? » ju§tyourlaugh, posted by Phillipa on September 15, 2006, at 18:47:56
i feel that was very snippy...he asked everyone for support!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Declan on September 15, 2006, at 21:13:07
In reply to What is wrong with me socially?, posted by rjlockhart on September 14, 2006, at 21:41:44
Hey Matt
How can you know what's wrong?
Maybe you put yourself in social situations you should avoid?
You reckon that when you accept yourself as you are that you calm down?
But what does that mean? That one says to oneself something like 'I accept that I'm a social failure'?
What about the idea that it is impermissable (or whatever) to compare ourselves at all?
As I've got older the question 'what is wrong with me?' is one I ask less, if that's any comfort.
Maybe I just got sick of not getting an answer.
Declan
Posted by Declan on September 15, 2006, at 21:15:40
In reply to What is wrong with me socially?, posted by rjlockhart on September 14, 2006, at 21:41:44
It is a helpful thing to at least pretend that there's no such thing as normal. You may come to believe it eventually, and it will do you lots of good.
Posted by Racer on September 16, 2006, at 0:39:10
In reply to What is wrong with me socially?, posted by rjlockhart on September 14, 2006, at 21:41:44
> I'm distant to people in converstation, going up and talking. I rather just be to myself, why is this this way i hate it, i could just god.
First of all, Matt, you seem awfully upset by this. If you could find a way to calm yourself a bit, that would help you.
One thing I notice is that you say you'd "Rather be by yourself," but if that were really the case, you wouldn't be bothered by not having more practiced social skills. Right? I think what you're experiencing is being more comfortable by yourself, less threatened, less anxious. Starting off by stating the problem more accurately may help you. Don't ever underestimate the power of words.
Next, what I said before is still true: it takes practice. The only way you're going to learn to feel more comfortable interacting with others is to DO IT MORE. So, the question becomes how? Sure, you could go to big popular parties, and try to hang out with the BMOC and Hot Chicks, but you know what? Baby steps, in this as in so much else in life. Don't set yourself up that way.
So, how can you find a safe way to learn to be easier with other people? Start off in situations that are clearly limited. Chat a bit with the checker in the supermarket as you check out. When Checker says, "How are you today?" you can answer -- "Oh, I'm just peachy keen -- I love this weather, don't you?" Or maybe, "well, I used to be better, when My Team was winning..." Whatever.
Ask for help at the computer store, and chat a bit with the salesperson while he/she is helping you choose what you want. Just -- most people working registers are willing to chat with patrons. Take advantage of that fact, to learn to chat with strangers.
Then, find a way to get into a social situation centered on something else -- volunteer, or form a study group if you're in school. Go work out at the Y. Do something that involves a group of people with common interests.
It may be hard at first, Matt, but if you're serious about getting better at this, you CAN do it. It's just gonna take commitment on your part. Keep going, even when it's hard, because it gets easier every single time you do it.
>
> What kind of therpist should i talk to?
>
> MattYou should see a therapist. Period. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. Don't worry so much about modalities, Matt -- worry about a good fit between you and your T.
Good luck.
Posted by TexasChic on September 16, 2006, at 19:35:02
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially? » Phillipa, posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 15, 2006, at 20:00:55
I think maybe Phillipa just meant it might be a good place to pose the question. They get really deep into the psychology involved in things over there.
-T
Posted by Phillipa on September 16, 2006, at 19:47:05
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially?, posted by Phillipa on September 14, 2006, at 22:56:02
Thanks T that's exactly what I meant. Love Phillipa
Posted by TexasChic on September 16, 2006, at 19:57:42
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially?, posted by TexasChic on September 16, 2006, at 19:35:02
Oh, and Matt, I was exactly the same way at your age. Like most people said here, it mainly just takes practice. The more you socialize the more you realize you're not under a magnifiying glass like it seems. I won't kid you, it is tough at first, but it becomes easier each time you do it and realize you didn't drop dead from humiliation.
-T
Posted by Declan on September 17, 2006, at 0:13:02
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially?, posted by TexasChic on September 16, 2006, at 19:57:42
Can you take a detached interest in your feelings? For example, if you feel humiliated you could be interested in the fact that this keeps repeating itself. I eventually came to the conclusion that a lot of my freaked-outness was due to my response to cosmic loneliness, which was to merge, which kinda meant that I'd be unable to function. There's no cure for it, but you can be a friend to yourself, like you might want to be to someone else.
Posted by rjlockhart on September 19, 2006, at 1:38:13
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me socially?, posted by TexasChic on September 16, 2006, at 19:57:42
Alright its 1:23am in the morning im getting a little manic, when i get manic i talk.
First, thank you for the advice, but let me sort go more indepth in to what im talk about.
At work...... i hardly say anything during stock....people are raving about what is going on or something, talk about everything. I cant even put a sentnese together with OUT studdering or sounding wierd and its not my age, i know it may seem like that but ok, there are 16 year old that can talk more than i could in a day.
Im waiting for a manic trip to hit so i can feel good and email people i said i would email.
Family members.....i get scared off, i go away because i feel ashamed like someone who doesnt know how to take it, i avoid my family sometimes and i hate it, why am i like this? hopefully therpy will help, anyways my therpist talks about well....sexuality... thats not really what im wanting to talk about. I dont like it, i want to change the subject. My old therpist stayed on it alot like sex was my life. I should of gave him the song by salt-n-peppa' "Lets about Sex baby"
I need to really come clean, i have trouble communicating with people, conversing, relating, i avoid it, i try to say something really fast to get it over with, which makes me look not intresting.....and i am being serious people walk away from me, polietly.... but basically saying your boring, let me find something else. And i feel like rot because i dont know what to say.
How to do you get a fast witted mind and then learn how to talk it out?
how do you learn to be the dominant one in the converstation? do you lead the pack about what intrests, i dont do that, i look idiotic when i try to and i am being serious.
I need to post back to the responses people gave me......i think i will do that now since i feel manic.
Thanks
Matt
Posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2006, at 12:05:08
In reply to Re: To everyone, posted by rjlockhart on September 19, 2006, at 1:38:13
Hi Matt,
>
> Family members.....i get scared off, i go away because i feel ashamed like someone who doesnt know how to take it, i avoid my family sometimes and i hate it, why am i like this?You know, sometimes that's exactly the right way to deal with family. Sometimes that's what you need to do to protect yourself and to cope. I know that we're "supposed to" love our family, and we "shouldn't" avoid them. I struggle with feeling guilty about that at times, too. But you also have to do what's best for you, and that may be spending time away. That might be the best way to take care of yourself if you find it helps.
> I need to really come clean, i have trouble communicating with people, conversing, relating, i avoid it, i try to say something really fast to get it over with, which makes me look not intresting.....My husband has similar troubles in social situations. He says he feels tongue-tied and doesn't know what to say, even with general small talk. He tends to say very little and avoids social interaction if he's feeling particularly stumped. Even deciding to say, "What's new?" to our neighbor required a great deal of thinking on his part, trying to figure out what the right thing to say would be. For others who are more comfortable with socializing, not being able to easily come up with "What's new?" might be really hard to understand. And so that may be why others might not stick with a conversation with you and/or my husband.
My husband is really smart, though. He does have great things to say, but he worries a great deal about saying exactly the right thing and not looking foolish. That really gets in his way. He's learned to ask questions of others about themselves or their interests to get them talking. That way he's conversing with someone, but the burden of coming up with what to say is less on him.
> how do you learn to be the dominant one in the converstation? do you lead the pack about what intrests,I think that balancing this out is not an easy skill. There are natural leaders and followers in social interactions. I don't think it's necessary to have to be the dominant talker to interact with others. In fact, if someone dominates conversations too much, others might lose interest or feel that they are less interested in them, whether that's true or not.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Racer on September 20, 2006, at 21:37:36
In reply to Re: To everyone » rjlockhart, posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2006, at 12:05:08
>
> My husband has similar troubles in social situations. Even deciding to say, "What's new?" to our neighbor required a great deal of thinking on his part, trying to figure out what the right thing to say would be.My experience tells me that it's not so much figuring out what the right thing to say would be, and much more about saying it with a big, genuine smile that sincerely shows pleasure at the other person's presence.
(And Mr GG does have a lot of good things to say. Whoever hears him is fortunate.)
Posted by laima on September 20, 2006, at 22:12:53
In reply to Short answer for RJL Mr GG, posted by Racer on September 20, 2006, at 21:37:36
I agree! The most charismatic people so often seem to be those who make others feel like they are the most special people around, by listening intently and such...
> My experience tells me that it's not so much figuring out what the right thing to say would be, and much more about saying it with a big, genuine smile that sincerely shows pleasure at the other person's presence.
>
> (And Mr GG does have a lot of good things to say. Whoever hears him is fortunate.)
This is the end of the thread.
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