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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34
We were divorced in 1996. He took my heart, my health, my home (a building), and divorced me since that was the agreement if I ever called the police again. I allowed my son (His father has never touched him.) to remain with him, as I fell apart (sickening) and sought hospitalization. My wonderful husband was really going to divorce me. (That's the 'stinkin' thinkin' that comes from these kind of relationships. He's the one that made me 'so goofy'!(??) I know no one can me me anything or do anything .. just want to blame someone .. ya' know?
Anyway, now I live just over a mile from him!
And, recently one of my two daughters and my new baby granddaughter moved in with him (not me!?). She is/was 'my love child' (not his daughter) and has a special place in my heart.
Did I already say this?
I'm 'losing it' and 'he's loving it'!
The children can't see it.
He is 'a charmer' and 'everyones best buddy'.
He knows exactly how to hurt me ... in many ways. I don't think he'll ever stop. He even raped me four years ago.(Serious) He's NEVER said, "He's sorry." (I don't think he's ever said he's sorry to anyone about anything.)
He threw me against walls a lot ... like I was a ragdoll. I have 3-4 c-spine disc extrusions and it is one of the reasons for my seeking disability.
I hate to say, "I Hate Him!" Seriously, I hate hating! But it comes so easily to me w/ regard to him.
I just printed out 'Emotions That Destroy; Anger and Bitterness' from beliefnet.
He's over there reveling in my sadness, poverty, and illness, and I'm convinced he will continue until the day he dies.
How can I control my anger? Of course I don't talk to him or like to go to his house. And, I don't have a lot of IRL friends. I end up talking to one of the children .. so not good.
I was very sick all day Saturday and it wasn't until the sun set that I realized a day had passed and none of my three children had come to see me.
Like 'sun downing', I suddenly got very angry and agitated, making weird faces at myself in the mirror, sitting in a tight corner smoking really fast, and jumping up and down, and doing this and that, and making a lot of noise doing whatever I was doing. I wanted to call someone and 'yell' about him still messing with my life. I thought about ending mine .. again. I wanted to get in my car and be found to have 'gone(?) missing'. I wanted someone to remember that 'I'm here too'! I wanted to go to an ER and have my stomach sliced open and my guts fixed. I wanted to go home, but I don't have one anymore.
The three children are young adults; only one, my son, is his child. My two girls knew him as step-dad since they were around 7-8y/o. Of course they cannot help but 'love' him, and like said, he's a charmer, gregarious, friendly ... on the outside. On the inside, that part I know, and no one that I know, knows, he's a back stabbing, bad talking, insecure person. We were married 13yrs, and yes, I allowed myself to be abused 10 of those years.
But, one of my daughters was abused by him physically (not sexually) in her teens. She was a rebel, but no matter. I remember a time he slammed her in a door jam. I would get between them. She is the daughter that just moved in with him!? :{
This is gonna' push me over 'some edge' if I/he/something doesn't change! I need advice.
Is it the moving so close to him? (Not my idea, choice; actually coincidental.) Is it my 'love child' being w/ him instead of me? Am I jealous of 'him' or 'her'? (See how crazy this stuff makes you!) Is it my knowing his reveling in my pain? Why can't he stop abusing me and find someone else to abuse? (I don't mean that; well I do think it sometimes when I'm really really mad!)
He never re-married and had a relationship.
I remember when he used to say, "I can't wait until the kids are grown and gone and we can have fun again!" and I'd say the opposite and add, "But I'd use reverse psychology". (You know, "of course you're strong enough to move out and be on your own", while all the time hoping they'll stay home w/ you forever. Your a mom and you love them soooo much! I always put them before my job. My ex always put his job before they and I.
Well ... black and white; he's got the life 'I wanted'! He has their love and companionship every day and my beautiful little granddaughter!
He never said he was sorry. He never went to jail for more than a night. He never paid a price. There was no justice. (Now there is 'no choice given a victim'. Yeah, I'm a woosss(?) Abuser automatically goes to jail now in my State.)
Why does 'he still get off on hurting me'? He never remarried or has had a relationship. I didn't remarry but have had a relationship. That person was here when he (my ex) came over one day. (Yes ... he, my son, and step-son helped me move to this new horrible secluded 'close to my ex' place I'm pretending to be a guest(?) in.) I have/had no friends w/ truck and time. Relationship guy couldn't have done it; manic .. met him in the hospital when went there after divorce. Oh .. I know!) Anyway, that day he came here and the other man was here, he stormed off, yelling at he and I.
He doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to be with me. Right? What is up w/ that?
How can I 'keep down' the rising verbal vomit, "Do you love him more than me? Make a choice!", from spewing onto my children?
This situation is hurting me terribly and making me crazy angry and I don't like being angry.
I could move. I'm a lot more depressed, sad, angry, tired, and a mess than the sprinkling of humor might cause you to know.(?)
love,cf
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 4, 2006, at 7:43:17
In reply to Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain!, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34
Sorry, cora. I can't talk.
Please warn others of graphic content. Thanks.
Lar
Posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 11:26:19
In reply to Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain!, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34
Forgive me please for posting anything which may incite similar issue responses.
Corafree
Posted by Phillipa on June 4, 2006, at 11:49:13
In reply to !!!DO NOT READ RE: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!! » corafree, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 11:26:19
Corafree maybe you need a med change? Love Phillipa
Posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 12:46:33
In reply to Re: !!!DO NOT READ RE: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!! » corafree, posted by Phillipa on June 4, 2006, at 11:49:13
I posted in Dinah's thread above, by accident.
Should not post before coffee...
A lesson to us all.
-llrrrpp
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060604/msgs/652757.html
Posted by Tamar on June 4, 2006, at 12:55:06
In reply to Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain!, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34
I’m not an expert, but it sounds to me as if you are allowing him too much emotional power over you. It’s natural, given the abusive background of the relationship. It sounds as if you might have gotten into the habit of being very aware of what he’s doing when you’re feeling bad. Abuse can do that to people. It can also make you question your self-worth.
I imagine that you want him to suffer the way you’re suffering, and that he seems to be mocking you by having good relationships with your children and getting on with his life. And maybe you’d like to turn the tables on him.
I think you can turn the tables without resorting to revenge. But it’s never easy. I think you probably need focus on what you can achieve in your life that will give YOU satisfaction.
By all means get angry at him from time to time. By all mean make occasional wishes for horrible things to happen to him. But don’t let your anger take over your life. Your anger and bitterness might be quite difficult for your kids to cope with, even if it’s not directed at them. Angry and bitter people can be exhausting and difficult to be around. If doesn’t mean you’re a bad person; it means you’re a profoundly unhappy person. And many kids find it extraordinarily difficult to see their mothers so unhappy.
It’s hard when he still has relationships with your kids, but that’s almost inevitable. If he’s been a father figure to them, they will probably want to remain in contact with him despite his flaws. It doesn’t mean they love him more than you. And I don’t know much about where you’re living, but I had the impression it might be difficult to invite your kids to live there too at the moment.
Have you thought about learning something new? I’ve heard that when people focus on feeling better in themselves it can help to diminish the rage they feel towards others. And learning something new is usually fun and empowering. I think it can be pretty much anything: acting, tennis, embroidery, painting, ballroom dancing, cooking, Spanish, astronomy… as long as it’s something you’re interested in and you get to mix with new people and gain a sense of achievement with your new knowledge and skills.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope things get better for you soon.
Tamar
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 4, 2006, at 14:44:19
In reply to ^^^Trigger trigger trigger trigger ^^^, posted by Larry Hoover on June 4, 2006, at 7:43:17
I need to add something I did not think to say. I do not seek censorship. I do not wish to limit anyone's self expression, particularly when it is of the nature which arose in this particular thread. It needs to be raised. It needs to be said.
I don't wish to change a single word. I wish only for one added word. Add one word, and I am warned. Say trigger to me, and then it is on me. It is up to me, whether I continue or not.
Hypotheticals are okay. But recitations of memories are not. I can picture it, too. It's the picturing part that nails me, because I am hyper-empathic too......part of my PTSD experience.
So, that is all I ask. One more word, somewhere in the subject line.....or, in the text....before the picturing begins. Ideally, it would be flagged, like the posts with the "NEW" banner. But you can do it manually, too.
One word of warning, before I find the trigger words myself, please.
Thank you.
Lar
Posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:54:01
In reply to Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain!, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34
(((((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))))
I hope you have a therapist or counsellor or even physician, or pastor or someone trained, who you can talk with about this. If not, please, please try to get someone. Maybe you could phone a nearby hospital or mental health clinic. All these incredibly strong & painful feelings are so much for you to deal with on your own.
I've been through the ongoing bitterness & pain that I hear in you after a break-up. It can be SOOOOOOOOO hard to do this but:
do you want him to continue to live 'rent-free' in your head? in your life?
Having your daughter & baby live there could certainly feel like him trying to hurt you. BUT it is not necessarily that! I hope you can pull the plug on his perceived power over you. Doing that isn't easy.
I am so sorry for your situation.
Don't know if you're on meds. If so, I'd get an appointment with whoever gave them & print a copy of your post (so you don't have to say it all again, unless you want to) & make sure the meds person knows how your thoughts are spinning.
You are a good person. You deserve to be free to live your life starting anew.
If you can't get help; can't afford therapy or whatever, I'd suggest that even if you aren't a religious person, - approach churches to see if they have support for people in pain.
Perhaps there are support organizations for victims of trauma. Often there are Rape crisis centres.....that might be a place to start.
As to your (formerly abused) daughter going to live with him - it doesn't mean she's forgiven him.
Just because your kids aren't contacting you does NOT means they like him better. My son loves me dearly & only contacts me when he wants something from me!!!!
I send you my warm thoughts & concern. I hope you can get some real-life (person-to-person) support.
Kath
Posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:56:58
In reply to Re: ^^^Trigger trigger trigger trigger ^^^, posted by Larry Hoover on June 4, 2006, at 14:44:19
Yo Larry - what a good idea - to have a little square like the ones where it says "notify you of later follow-ups...." or "add name of previous poster"
That'd be good!!!
Sorry you were triggered! ((((((you))))))
Kath
> I need to add something I did not think to say. I do not seek censorship. I do not wish to limit anyone's self expression, particularly when it is of the nature which arose in this particular thread. It needs to be raised. It needs to be said.
>
> I don't wish to change a single word. I wish only for one added word. Add one word, and I am warned. Say trigger to me, and then it is on me. It is up to me, whether I continue or not.
>
> Hypotheticals are okay. But recitations of memories are not. I can picture it, too. It's the picturing part that nails me, because I am hyper-empathic too......part of my PTSD experience.
>
> So, that is all I ask. One more word, somewhere in the subject line.....or, in the text....before the picturing begins. Ideally, it would be flagged, like the posts with the "NEW" banner. But you can do it manually, too.
>
> One word of warning, before I find the trigger words myself, please.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Lar
Posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:58:14
In reply to Re: Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain! » corafree, posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:54:01
Hi Dr. Bob - would you please read my above post to Larry.
I think it would be a really good idea to have the option to add "trigger".
I hope you'll consider this.
thanks, Kath
Posted by gardenergirl on June 4, 2006, at 17:20:44
In reply to ^^^Trigger trigger trigger trigger ^^^, posted by Larry Hoover on June 4, 2006, at 7:43:17
Take care of yourself.
((((Larry))))
gg
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 4, 2006, at 18:38:36
In reply to Re: Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pull TO DR BOB, posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:58:14
> Hi Dr. Bob - would you please read my above post to Larry.
>
> I think it would be a really good idea to have the option to add "trigger".
>
> I hope you'll consider this.
>
> thanks, KathPetition gathering names on the Admin board. Right near the bottom.
Caution, Admin newbies.....controversial content.
Lar
Posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 21:12:48
In reply to Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain!, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34
Posted by corafree on June 5, 2006, at 8:58:45
In reply to ^^TRIGGER^^ Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain! (nm) » corafree, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 21:12:48
I need to explain what I said re: blah blah blah and fix my guts! I meant that 'literally'. (It did sound pretty psycho!)
I have some physical diagnoses which need to be ruled out, and some which are already diagnosed and pending 'more tests' before surgery.
The times I have been inpatient for depression, the 'lack of attn to physical care' has been abhorent.One time I wanted to d.c. all meds and managed to make my way (It was tricky.) to a detox ward. There, much attn 'was' given my medical condition.
But, times on basic mental health wards, I've been lucky to get a vitamin!
The 'rule-outs' are toxic megacolon and celiac dz (The latter is less urgent.). I'm 'no nurse', but basically 'nothing moves' in the intestines.
The crux of the matter is that mental and physical illnesses are 'colliding and worsening one another'. With county healthcare, I'd never get the physical attn I need right now, if I could manage to orchestrate inpatient mental health care.
I have all the physical referrals. I just need to care enough about myself to get out there and start running about from lab to imaging to specialists.
It's so hard 'to care for me' and 'to be pro-active' when I'm feeling unloved.
I'll post this on the health board as well.
love,cf
Posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 9:20:00
In reply to Re: ^^TRIGGER^^ Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain! » corafree, posted by corafree on June 5, 2006, at 8:58:45
> I have all the physical referrals. I just need to care enough about myself to get out there and start running about from lab to imaging to specialists.
>
> It's so hard 'to care for me' and 'to be pro-active' when I'm feeling unloved.
>
> I'll post this on the health board as well.
>
> love,cfThis is more important than we give credit to!! How to develop our self love and nuturing when we have been utterly maimed by those whom we thought cared for us.
I think we can hold each others hands to make this less of a struggle - don't you?ClearSkies
Posted by corafree on June 6, 2006, at 13:41:32
In reply to Re: ^^^Trigger trigger trigger trigger ^^^ » Larry Hoover, posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:56:58
Kath, yes, I do have a P and a T in motion. I've just moved to this area. I have a list of the churches here on my desk ... not yet dealt with.
Lar's idea re: warning is great. Is it possible, I wonder.
My computer is in a large room here that I can't afford to air condition. It's over 100degrees! It's been keeping me from following up. I dread coming in here because of the heat and haven't kept on top of the posts. Still not feeling physically well.
bestwishes,cf
Posted by corafree on June 6, 2006, at 21:46:35
In reply to Corafree (still trigger I guess), posted by ClearSkies on June 5, 2006, at 9:20:00
Exactly ClearSkies. I just about responded to you two(?) days ago, but had to run and lie down.
love,cf
This is the end of the thread.
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