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(((((Corafree))))) » corafree

Posted by Tamar on June 4, 2006, at 12:55:06

In reply to Ex 'Abuser' STILL Pulling My Chain!, posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34

I’m not an expert, but it sounds to me as if you are allowing him too much emotional power over you. It’s natural, given the abusive background of the relationship. It sounds as if you might have gotten into the habit of being very aware of what he’s doing when you’re feeling bad. Abuse can do that to people. It can also make you question your self-worth.

I imagine that you want him to suffer the way you’re suffering, and that he seems to be mocking you by having good relationships with your children and getting on with his life. And maybe you’d like to turn the tables on him.

I think you can turn the tables without resorting to revenge. But it’s never easy. I think you probably need focus on what you can achieve in your life that will give YOU satisfaction.

By all means get angry at him from time to time. By all mean make occasional wishes for horrible things to happen to him. But don’t let your anger take over your life. Your anger and bitterness might be quite difficult for your kids to cope with, even if it’s not directed at them. Angry and bitter people can be exhausting and difficult to be around. If doesn’t mean you’re a bad person; it means you’re a profoundly unhappy person. And many kids find it extraordinarily difficult to see their mothers so unhappy.

It’s hard when he still has relationships with your kids, but that’s almost inevitable. If he’s been a father figure to them, they will probably want to remain in contact with him despite his flaws. It doesn’t mean they love him more than you. And I don’t know much about where you’re living, but I had the impression it might be difficult to invite your kids to live there too at the moment.

Have you thought about learning something new? I’ve heard that when people focus on feeling better in themselves it can help to diminish the rage they feel towards others. And learning something new is usually fun and empowering. I think it can be pretty much anything: acting, tennis, embroidery, painting, ballroom dancing, cooking, Spanish, astronomy… as long as it’s something you’re interested in and you get to mix with new people and gain a sense of achievement with your new knowledge and skills.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope things get better for you soon.

Tamar


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