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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart on June 3, 2006, at 1:56:39
Larry, anyone,
Listen, i met a friend, well in high school i was a load mouth but didnt make any friends, didnt connect with people. I dont know why.
And it is the same here, now, this person well i consider a mentor, but i dont know what to say, i feel caged in and not knowing what to say, and then it panics me, Xanax doesnt really make me more social.
Listen i really want to thank you guys for being my friends here. I would just go, i would be absolutely insane.
What, can i do about this, see a therpist, something anything to make me extroverted, because i am so freaking closed in, i want to get out. Im 19, i was on stimulants since i was 8 and got off when i was 18, 10 years. It would give me sort of like a stimulantion to talk, but now that im off it, well im trying everyday to be better.
I want to get out and make friends, go to outings, i have before many but i have left. Please tell me social skills will come back.
I notice that alot of times that, i dont respond back, and i need to because what is it worth just posting, if you dont feedback.
I have got alot going on. Please tell me, anyone that reads this, out there, phillipa larry hoover, , heaven, ed, willyee, SLS, anyone! i know all you guys i just want to know that well you are just here through this rough time.
I say something that doesnt really follow up in conversation because sometimes im not listening to much.
Please some feedback
Matt
Posted by Phillipa on June 3, 2006, at 1:56:39
In reply to You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by rjlockhart on June 1, 2006, at 20:24:38
Matt you are working at the Gap now. And training another guy right? you must talk to him. That's a start. Love Mom 2 Phillipa
Posted by bassman on June 3, 2006, at 1:56:39
In reply to You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by rjlockhart on June 1, 2006, at 20:24:38
Matt-it's partly your age; it's an uncomfortable time for most, whether they seem like it is or not. But it does sound like you do need therapy and the right meds...and time. Think of your social skills like learning to ride a bike, except it will take longer. When you learn to ride a bike, you fall down, skin your knees and say "$#@!, I'm not going to do that again!". But eventually, you learn to ride well enough; not Tour da France quality, but enough to get by and get some enjoyment out of it. Think of it as a project.
Posted by heaven help me on June 3, 2006, at 1:56:39
In reply to You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by rjlockhart on June 1, 2006, at 20:24:38
Dear Matt,
Wish there was a guranteed answer. I do agree, though, that some of it is likely your age. You probably don't want to hear that (as MY teenagers hate it when I tell them that). But, It can get so much better with time. Actually, I remember well when I was a teen and having similar feelings as you. At the time I had 1 friend and she was VERY outgoing. I just watched her and tried out some of her methods. Worked for a while, got me through a season. Then, as an adult phobia was back and I struggled for years "being" outgoing while inside I worried about every comment I made. Meds have helped a lot in this area but it has taken a while to get on the right combo. And, as I have told you before, God has brought me the rest of the way in any situation that meds, or friends, or me have only gotten me part of the way. Babble mail me if you want to talk more. Hang in there. I really believe things will get better for you!!!!!
blessings
mary
Posted by joslynn on June 3, 2006, at 1:56:39
In reply to You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by rjlockhart on June 1, 2006, at 20:24:38
This will probably get moved to social, but here are some things that may help...
People LOVE to talk about themselves. Ask them questions about what they are studying in school, what music they like, dreams for the future, do they own pets? But don't just rattle these questions all of at once. Try to weave them into a conversation. Throw in your own opinion too, but first, get them to open up about their own likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc.
Try to listen to what people are saying, and then repeat back what they are saying as a question, in somewhat different words.
Example (coworker at gap): They're playing that stupid Britney Spears song on the loudspeaker again.
You: I guess you're not a fan.
Coworker: It's just commercial record company crap.
You: So you don't like what the major labels play?
Coworker: Yeah I like Indy Rock.
You: You mean, not so commercialized?
Coworker: Yeah like blah blah blah bands.
You: Oh, what kind of music do they play?
Coworker, Well, it's sort of a ska funk rap combination.
You: Oh. That sounds cool. I like rap. Where can I see some of these bands?
(And then that could lead to the other person inviting you to a concert one day, or at least recommending a CD. These conversations would most likely be spread out over time, not necessarily all in one afternoon.)
Posted by joslynn on June 3, 2006, at 1:56:40
In reply to Re: You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by joslynn on June 2, 2006, at 14:57:34
Another trick: At a party or in a new social situation, try to find someone who looks even more shy and confused than you do. Make it your goal to draw this person out of their shell. This takes the pressure off you, and, in the process, you get to have a conversation.
(I don't have social phobia, but I am an INFP (Myers Briggs) and these tricks help me. I am good interacting with one of two other people, but throw in more, and I feel overwhelmed.
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 3, 2006, at 9:40:00
In reply to You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by rjlockhart on June 1, 2006, at 20:24:38
Dr. Bob, about the trigger thing, I don't like losing my subject line space because I have to manually flag a post. And it's not the same as a flag would be, anyway.
> Larry, anyone,
>
> Listen, i met a friend, well in high school i was a load mouth but didnt make any friends, didnt connect with people. I dont know why.Hey Matt. Good to see you're posting again.
Please try to use the site's individual boards the way that they are intended? You put this on the med board. Just a gentle reminder.
I don't know if it's true, or not, but when I was a teenager, I bet you that there wasn't a more socially inept teenager in all the world. That's what it felt like, and I can tell you, I remember people telling me stuff just like that. To make sure I understood why they were about to punch me out. I'm surprised I still have all my teeth.
One of my friends and I were talking one day (hmmmm, evidence in my memory banks that I was not so socially inept as to have no friends......note to self: Modify conclusions about teenage years.), and he offered me a bit of advice that I still use today. He said: "You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of you, if you realized how seldom they did."
Eh?
Everybody is self-absorbed, dude. 90% of what goes through a typical person's head is selfish personal hoohah. 5% is stuff they gotta do (rules, and responsibilities, and yuck). Their loved ones, and....
The point is, you don't take up much space in anybody else's head. Not your mom's. Not your anybody's. Human beings just work that way. Walking down a narrow hall with something big in your hands probably occupies 100% of your brain. Ya know? No room for other people. Well, if there is, you got some painting to do, in that darn hallway.
So, my advice to you is to stop trying so hard to make an impression in other people's brains. The impression you will leave is not the one you intended, no matter what that was. No, the impression you will leave is that you were trying to make an impression.
So, settle down, and stop worrying about that. I guarantee that when you're talking to somebody, you're using part of their brain. Sometimes people don't think to describe the impression you make in there. They don't say stuff like "Pleasure talkin' to ya." That doesn't mean it wasn't. Rest assured, you made an impression.
Try to make it a relaxed impression. That's my best advice. Stop worrying about what other people think of you, or that's all they'll see of you.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 3, 2006, at 9:46:13
In reply to advice on social skills **violence trigger** » rjlockhart, posted by Larry Hoover on June 3, 2006, at 9:40:00
> One of my friends and I were talking one day (hmmmm, evidence in my memory banks that I was not so socially inept as to have no friends......note to self: Modify conclusions about teenage years.), and he offered me a bit of advice that I still use today. He said: "You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of you, if you realized how seldom they did."
One of my favourite memories of my entire life, Bob. Just sending that out. We were fifteen, under that apple tree. You know the one. And I had that pipe with me, the one you really loved.
That's a very good karma day, Bob. I know you've struggled, but that was a very good karma day.
Miss you, buddy.
Lar
Posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:19:04
In reply to You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by rjlockhart on June 1, 2006, at 20:24:38
((((((((((((((((((((((((Matt))))))))))))))))))
Even though it was decades ago, Matt, I can relate. When I was a teen & into my 20's, I was really shy & withdrawn. Draw any attention to me & I felt like I'd die almost.
There are a couple of things. I'll leave the most important until last, but if you start reading #1 & it doesn't feel comfortable, go straight to #2 :-)))
#1 This is what I did finally in my late teens. My friend was quite self-confident & I was the quiet little one, who seemed invisible - as if even if I DID say something, I'd have nothing to say! Somehow, I started to ACT more confident. I'd ACT like I wished I was. I realized that the only one who really KNEW was me! Oh, my tummy would be in knots, but by acting more extroverted, I started to get USED to it.
Years later, I used this 'acting as if' skill in a job I had. I was a personal assistant at the Canadian National Institute for the Blind, to a deaf-blind woman. She'd been normal 'til 17 years old, then had an operation for a brain tumour & woke up in black silence!!! Her Mom was very supportive & eventually, this woman was helped to learn to speak, etc. and the CNIB took care of her going to University!!! They provided her own personal "translator" for all the lectures, etc. Anyway, this young woman's face was partially paralyzed & she spoke funny & LOUD ('cuz she couldn't 'hear' herself). I was trained to converse with the deaf-blind 'hand-to-hand' language. I was trained to be her assistant & the CNIB created a special position for her. I'd walk along with her, arm-in-arm, putting my fingers on different points in her hand, spelling out, letter-by-letter what I was saying to her, or what was happening, or if someone stopped to talk to her - what they were saying. She'd be talking LOUDLY to me & sometimes even say things that were awkward to have her saying loudly at that particular time! Talk about having attention drawn to oneself!!!! Anyway, one day a lady from Personel Dept (a very extroverted, self-assured, self-confident person) said to me how she admired me sooo much; I obviously had sooo much self-confidence & seemed so relaxed while doing my job it amazed her!! I was pretty blown-away by this, as I felt ANYthing BUT those things!!
It made such an impression on my...how I was acting a certain way - or I guess I should say behaving a certain way...while not feeling that way inside, yet people had no idea!Over the years, I did start to feel more extroverted. I'm still shy in certain situations, but sometimes I see myself acting a certain way & realize "wow - this is pretty amazing for someone as shy as me!"
#2 - Matt - as someone who basically, did not felt comfortable with social interactions for many years of my life, I've found this concept invaluable: a lot of people like to have other people be interested in them. A great skill to develop is being interested in others. If it feels comfortable, you could try asking questions. Try just 1 question first. If you're with someone, listen to what's being talked about, think if there's something you'd like to know about it, or something you're wondering about, then ask your 1 question. See what happens; see how it feels. And try NOT to think about yourself. FOCUS on the OTHER person or people. (This will probably be really hard.) If you don't focus on the answer, you might feel so freaked out about "will they think I'm stupid; will they wish I hadn't asked that?" etc that you'll be standing in the way of a conversation beginning to flow.
The more you can NOT dwell on yourself the better. The more you can try to relax & just be in the moment & think of the other people or the topic that's being discussed, the better.
If you have a particular interest, maybe try attending a club focusing on that.
Good luck & if you try this, I'd love to hear how it went for you. I support you big-time in this because I know: #1 - how uncomfortable I felt in a situation similar to yours.
#2 - how the methods I used actually worked.It doesn't mean it won't feel foreign or uncomfortable. But there IS HOPE!!!!!!!!
It can happen, little bit by little bit.:-))) Kath
PS - this has been such a LONG answer that next time you might say - Kath is not allowed to answer this post!!! ;-))
> Larry, anyone,
>
> Listen, i met a friend, well in high school i was a load mouth but didnt make any friends, didnt connect with people. I dont know why.
>
> And it is the same here, now, this person well i consider a mentor, but i dont know what to say, i feel caged in and not knowing what to say, and then it panics me, Xanax doesnt really make me more social.
>
> Listen i really want to thank you guys for being my friends here. I would just go, i would be absolutely insane.
>
> What, can i do about this, see a therpist, something anything to make me extroverted, because i am so freaking closed in, i want to get out. Im 19, i was on stimulants since i was 8 and got off when i was 18, 10 years. It would give me sort of like a stimulantion to talk, but now that im off it, well im trying everyday to be better.
>
> I want to get out and make friends, go to outings, i have before many but i have left. Please tell me social skills will come back.
>
> I notice that alot of times that, i dont respond back, and i need to because what is it worth just posting, if you dont feedback.
>
> I have got alot going on. Please tell me, anyone that reads this, out there, phillipa larry hoover, , heaven, ed, willyee, SLS, anyone! i know all you guys i just want to know that well you are just here through this rough time.
>
> I say something that doesnt really follow up in conversation because sometimes im not listening to much.
>
> Please some feedback
>
> Matt
Posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:26:55
In reply to Re: transmitting to Bob Hamilton, posted by Larry Hoover on June 3, 2006, at 9:46:13
What if he gods to meds to see if anyone answered & his post isn't there?
I'm hoping that he'll receive a message that it was moved or something!
worry, worry, fret, fret, oh dear, oh dear - that's how my mind goes!!!Kath
Posted by gardenergirl on June 4, 2006, at 16:58:30
In reply to Will rjlo know that his post was moved here?......, posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:26:55
It's kind of you to worry about that. I'm confident that he's familiar with redirected posts and where they likely have been moved, however.
Take care,
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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