![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 34 to 58 of 58. Go back in thread:
Posted by Susan47 on December 13, 2004, at 19:49:26
In reply to Re: I'm out, too violent for me, ta-ta. » Susan47, posted by alesta on December 13, 2004, at 12:08:41
I'm too mellow for that. I can't believe I said that.
It's true, though.
Yum. And I don't tend to get upset with people, either. That's not me, at all. You can get away with a lot, I just ignore or opt out, I refuse to get upset.
And I usually find a way to understand motivations, so never worry around me. If anything I write sounds judgmental, I assure it's not, it's only my take on it. Mwah! That's a big kiss.
Posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 4:20:12
In reply to Amy, I never get p**d off, posted by Susan47 on December 13, 2004, at 19:49:26
thank you, suzie q! i feel much better.:-) i'm really a peace-loving person, and can make myself ill if i think i did something to offend someone. you're a sweetheart. thanx for understanding dear. mwah! back at ya!
amy :-)
Posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 7:25:42
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 13, 2004, at 16:24:42
...so, you gather up your collection of rifles and put on your BDUs and prepare to ambush the unwitting crocophile, as the zoo isn't far away from your beautiful australian home.
however, your wife has been in the bathroom for an hour already, toying with contouring and shading and generally having fun with her military camoflage makeup. you and the moose are getting quite restless.
"for god's sakes! hurry up!!" you scream.
"how can you talk to me like that?" she shouts back, and begins sobbing hysterically.
good grief! you think. just like a woman. now we're never going to get out of here! so then..
Posted by Atticus on December 14, 2004, at 12:38:58
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 7:25:42
... you notice the cat has a lobster bib on and is carrying a knife and fork.
"What's all this about, then?" you ask, suspecting the cat has ulterior motives for organizing this mission.
"Well, I've always heard koalas are delicious," he says.
"You're not to eat any bloody koalas!" you shout. "You disable the security system, we just nip in there, get this moose to his ex, stand watch while they talk, then hope love conquers all and she comes with us. We tranq the crocodile guy with that dart rifle if things get dodgy. No one gets hurt. That's it."
"Perhaps just a bite of wallaby ..." the cat suggests.
You're about to answer when the wife comes out of the bathroom wearing hot neon pink and suburst yellow face paint.
"Strewth!" you cry. "They'll see us coming from a kilometer away!" The moose, chewing on a cigar and wearing night-vision goggles, is going over a schematic of the zoo layout.
"We'll cut the wire here," he says, "and slip in by cutting across the croc pens."
"Oh, that's brilliant," you intone sarcastically.
"You know, I don't think they'd miss just one cockatoo," purrs the cat casually.
You shoot him a look, then everyone loads up the Range Rover and sets out, never suspecting ...
Posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 14:28:14
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 14, 2004, at 12:38:58
...that there would be a very loud knock at the door.
"everybody just be cool.." you say anxiously.
you tiptoe softly to the door, glance through the peephole, and see a very pissed off looking moose glaring back at you.
you whisper "uh, honey, there's a moose at the door. are we expecting..."
from outside the door, you hear, "i know you're in there! morris, you'd better have a really good one this time!"
the moose looks at you with a guilty smile on his face "Uh.."
"MORRIIIISSSSSS!"
suddenly, there is a loud thud as the front door falls to the ground.
"holy sh!t" you all say in unison.
and so morris's girlfriend appears. she has a pink apron on, and nostrils as large and obtrusive as morris's.
"i don't know what you think you're doing, morris..for god's sake take those off!"
morris slowly, fearfully removes the night vision goggles, and...
Posted by Atticus on December 14, 2004, at 20:08:36
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 14:28:14
... a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, resplendent in his bright red uniform, rides into the house behind Morris' girlfriend on a horse, carrying a koala wearing an identical uniform.
"Is this him, madame?" asks the koala.
"Yes," snarls the female moose. "He promised me he'd given this sort of thing up."
"What's with the outfit?" you ask the koala.
"Exchange program," he snaps. "We've got a wolverine working out of Perth. And I'll ask the questions here! Are you Maurice 'Morris' LeNoir?"
Morris pauses, then answers dolefully, "I sure could use a cookie about now."
"Crikey!" you gasp. "You mean this is 'Black Morris,' the international con artist?"
"The same," answers the koala.
"Inspector," interrupts the cat. "I believe Monsieur LeNoir has hidden incriminating evidence behind my litter box. Follow me."
"Mais bien sur," says the koala in a terrible French accent, and clambers down from the horse before marching officiously around the corner after the cat. You hear the soft "pffft" of a tranquilizer dart being fired and the sound of the cat setting the table.
"Um, perhaps, I'd best look in on them," you mumble, and ...
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 14, 2004, at 20:14:33
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 14:28:14
puts his cigar out in the coleus plant
“I think I picked a good day to quit smoking” he mumbles as he fingers his lip where a piece of the cigar stuck.
He ambles over to the sink with a smile on his face....
he looks down into the aqua water filled with neon's.
He rolls his tongue into a straw shape and starts sucking up the water and fish when the door to the back porch suddenly opens......
Posted by Atticus on December 14, 2004, at 20:21:13
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling, posted by Jai Narayan on December 14, 2004, at 20:14:33
... so now we've got divergent narratives. Amy, which way do you want to go with this? Atticus
Posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 21:45:47
In reply to We must have posted at almost the same time ... » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on December 14, 2004, at 20:21:13
atticus and jai,:)
oh my gosh y'all! i can't believe you put me in this position, lol. how the heck am i sposed to choose? well, it's just as well, as i don't feel too well and think i'm coming down with something and might opt out of babble for a day or so. (the abrupt food shortage at my place doesn't help.:)) why don't y'all flip a coin to see who continues the story off whom, lol. or maybe just use jai's since she's been out a while? (trying to help.)
i shall be back to continue my daily literary contributions upon my return, prince atticus and jai, the fairest of fair maidens!
your devoted confidant,
amy, princess of babblovnia :-)
Posted by alesta on December 15, 2004, at 12:21:24
In reply to Re: We must have posted at almost the same time ... » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 14, 2004, at 21:45:47
i dragged meself out of bed long enough to see what y'all decided..guess you didn't, lol. atticus's response obviously took a lot of thought and whatnot, so i s'pose i'll go with his, if you guys wait for me. i feel like sh!t right now. sorry..or jai maybe you want to go ahead and play off atticus..i don't know..bloody hell!
amy :)
Posted by alesta on December 15, 2004, at 13:20:33
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 14, 2004, at 20:08:36
..."Aha!!" says the koala triumphantly. "well, now, this is an awful lot of passports, mr. Lenoir. and what, pray tell, were you planning on doing with these? hmmmm?"
"i was going to use them to...uh..i have a business, that require lots of travel?" squawks Lenoir.
his girlfriend (moose) looks at him with a perplexed attitudinal look. "i gotta hear this.." she says, anticipating his response.
"yes. i..i'm a.. a cologne salesman."
"cologne?" the female moose snaps comically. "you NEED some cologne let me tell you.." she says waving her finger, head bobbing.
"yes, that's why i'm here right now, actually. isn't it, john?" replies Lenoir.
you stand there, wondering if you should vouch for an international con artist. then..
Posted by alesta on December 15, 2004, at 14:10:06
In reply to the story continues... » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 15, 2004, at 13:20:33
Posted by Atticus on December 15, 2004, at 14:50:34
In reply to the story continues... » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 15, 2004, at 13:20:33
... the cat comes back into the room dragging the rifle. You notice a tranquilizer dart protruding from the koala's rear end.
"Bloody hell!" growls the cat. "He's not down yet??"
"You small pile of wombat's doo!" you shout at the cat. "You really lured him back to those passports so you could so you could knock him out and eat him!"
"Didn't," says the cat dismissively, looking casually up at the ceiling.
"Funny thing. I feel a bit light-headed," says the koala, going all wobbly in the knees.
"Jet lag from the flight from Canada, sir," suggests the mountie helpfully.
The koala slumps to the floor. The cat dives for the koala. You dive for the cat. Morris slips into his mouse form and makes a break for it, and ...
Posted by crushedout on December 18, 2004, at 21:47:56
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 14, 2004, at 12:38:58
If I wasn't layin' off the stuff, I'd say, "GIMME SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE SMOKING!!!!"
Posted by Atticus on December 18, 2004, at 21:57:44
In reply to Re: And you realize the bloody moose is stumbling » Atticus, posted by crushedout on December 18, 2004, at 21:47:56
No. If I was communing with the holy bud, this story wouldn't seem so gritty and realistic. But Christ, Alesta's got to help me put this baby to bed soon. I told you my emergency ending, but I want to give her a crack at the big finale first. Atti, who passed yet another Starbucks on the way from Second Avenue to First. Never noticed it there before. The b*stards have us surrounded!
Posted by alesta on December 19, 2004, at 1:59:18
In reply to Re: the story continues... » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 15, 2004, at 14:50:34
..."morris, get back here, you bloomin' bastar#!" morris's girlfriend says angrily.
meanwhile, you lunge toward your wayward kitty, managing to grab its tail just in the nick of time, and have no choice but to swing it out of reach of the snoozing, incapacitated koala. the cat lets out a loud, piercing scream.
"poor poo," you say, sympathetically, as you love your cat desperately, but had to save him from a potential life of feline prison for being a koala killer.
"thank you jesus!" you yell, hands in the air, glancing briefly at the ceiling.
"don't thank him yet," yells the inspector. i think the mouse-turned-moose-again just kidnapped your wife! he's holding her at gunpoint!"
"oh...perfect...just perfect!" you scream. "ain't life beautiful"! you yell dramatically to no one in particular.
then...
Posted by Atticus on December 19, 2004, at 19:38:10
In reply to the story continues... » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 19, 2004, at 1:59:18
… the lot of you rush outside. “Back off! I’m a desperate moose,” shouts Morris, awkwardly balancing the handgun on his hoof.
“Oh come off it,” you say. “How can you pull the trigger with no bloody fingers?”
“Curse my lack of opposable thumbs!” Morris cries. “I’ve still got my antlers, though! And I know how to use ’em, mate.”
“Ahem,” says the cat, moseying up to Morris. “Look what I’ve got, lad. A cookie! You knowwwww how keen you are on cookies. One for the road?”
“Wellll,” answers Morris, looking suspicious and then very peckish, “maybe just one.” He wolfs it down. “I’ll turn your wife loose as soon as …” Morris’ legs start to shimmy, his knees knock together, then he slides to the ground and turns back into a mouse.
In an instant the cat is on him and eats him.
“You … he … he … You ATE him!” you yell at the cat.
“Oh, don’t be such a nancy,” he purrs nonchalantly. “It IS my job, you know. I put some of that tranquilizer in it.”
You notice the mountie and the late Morris’ girlfriend making goo-goo eyes at each other and blushing as the groggy koala emerges through the front door.
“What’s all this, then?” mumbles the koala.
“Suspect’s been eaten, sir,” says the mountie.
“Well,” harrumphs the koala, straightening his uniform. “All goes to show that no good can come of it when you give a mouse a cookie."
“Does have its upsides, though,” allows the cat, belching loudly.
“Be a good lad and fetch me some eucalyptus leaves, eh?” he says to the mountie.
The mountie gallops off, and Morris’ smitten ex says, “I’ll help!” before following him.
You turn to the cat and say …
Posted by alesta on December 20, 2004, at 0:57:42
In reply to Re: the story continues... » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 19, 2004, at 19:38:10
..you say to the cat, "A job well done, lad. You saved my wife's life!" as you embrace your wife.
Meanwhile...
"oh inspec..tor!" melanie (the female moose) says laughing, romping enthusiastically in the brush after the mountie.
"melanie...i'll lose my job..." the mountie protests, backing away slowly.
"oh who cares!" melanie shouts buoyantly as she starts unbuttoning his jacket. "i've seen the way you look at me.." she murmurs, eyeing him seductively.
"melanie, i'm *serious*."
melanie holds his gaze for a moment, then slowly leans in, with her lips parted, and starts to kiss him. he feels the softness of her lips and her moist tongue caressing his. they kiss slowly, deeply and passionately. and kiss...and kiss..he has never felt anything more intoxicating..she moans softly.."damn, the boy sure can kiss," she thinks.
suddenly they hear, "inspector! what on *earth* is taking you so long?" as the koala approaches.
"oh..oh..i..i..just..i..i lost a button and miss...uh..miss...""lenoir" melanie volunteers.
"yes, ms. lenoir was just helping me, uh, find it."
"was it in her underpants?" questions the koala, lifting an eyebrow disdainfully.
.....
Posted by Atticus on December 20, 2004, at 12:26:25
In reply to Re: the story continues... » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 20, 2004, at 0:57:42
“Um, your eucalyptus leaves, sir!” says the mountie quickly, handing the koala several branches.
“Thaaaaat’s right, thaaaaat’s right,” murmurs the cat, licking his chops. “Fatten’ ’im up, nice and plump. And someday, someday …”
“Here now. I heard that,” you say.
“Heard what?” answers the cat, casually inspecting his claws.
“You still want to eat that koala,” you respond.
“I never said any such thing,” protests the cat.
“Yeah? Then what’s that tranquilizer dart doing still protruding from his posterior?” you counter.
“Look, mate, it’s no business of mine where someone else gets a body piercing,” replies the cat. “Must be bloody awkward on the loo, though.”
“Strewth!” says the koala to the mountie, who is still standing in the brush with Melanie the moose. “Are those your trousers on her antler?”
“Well, um, I had to hang them up somewhere, sir, so they wouldn’t lose their crease while I looked for your eucalyptus leaves.”
“Hmm. All right, then. Good thinking. Let’s get back to the station.”
“Why don’t you go on ahead, sir,” answers the mountie, starting as Melanie gooses his bum. “I’ll take statements from everyone here and finish up the paperwork.”
“Good show,” nods the koala. You lift the koala onto the back of the horse. “How do I start this thing?” he asks.
“Just give it a nudge,” says the mountie.
The koala digs in his sharp claws, and the horse bucks. Everyone watches as the tiny form hurls through the air and lands in a marshy pond.
“Aren’t there salties in there?” asks your wife.
“What’s a salty?” asks the mountie.
You start to answer, “It’s a saltwater …” -- the lot of you hear the sound of two jaws snapping together – “crocodile.”
“Life is SO unfair!” protests the cat.
“It is a terrible tragedy that …” begins the mountie.
“How come he gets to eat the koala and I don’t?” hisses the cat. He turns to the mountie. “So, are you two going to have a roll in the hay or what?”
Melanie giggles and pulls the mountie back into the brush. The cat heads back to the house.
“And where are you off to now?” you ask him.
“Duh. To get the camcorder,” says the cat. “It’s the Internet for those two.”
“You think there’s a market for it?” asks your wife.
“In Canada? You joking? Of course,” exclaims the cat. So …
Posted by alesta on December 20, 2004, at 16:35:14
In reply to Re: the story continues... » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 20, 2004, at 12:26:25
"all right, so where were we?" the inspector says, with a gleam in his eye and a naughty smile on his face.
"um..i think..here.." melanie says, as the eager inspector leans in to kiss her.
"ooh, oh, oh yeah, ohhh, like that.." pant, slurp
"ooh, it feels so..oooh yeah. oh! oh! oh! baby..""hey! what is *that*?"
"yeah...what are you doing?"
"oh, just a little movie production," the cat says, twitching his whiskers and fiddling with the camcorder. "don't mind me. i do think this production will sell quite well..'
"you...BLOODY..." the inspector utters as he lunges toward the cat, "give me that camera! NOW!"
then..
Posted by Atticus on December 20, 2004, at 19:59:50
In reply to Re: the story continues... » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 20, 2004, at 16:35:14
Hi Amy,
I think I need to take a break from this story. For whatever reason, your comment below about me communicating an aura of "emotional distance" really stung. Maybe because I'm afraid it's true? Maybe because I don't think it's really true? I don't know. But I'm kind of hurt. It might be better if you finish this up with some of the others. Ta. Atticus
Posted by Atticus on December 22, 2004, at 12:20:01
In reply to Re: the story continues... » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 20, 2004, at 16:35:14
... the mountie, wearing only his flapping, unbuttoned red coat, races after the backpedaling cat, who has picked up a digital camera and is snapping off photos.
“Strewth! The full monty! This’ll look brilliant on the cover!” shouts the cat. “Work it, inspector! C’mon, work it! That’s beautiful, luv! OK, cut! That’s a wrap!”
Low, deep growls from the darkness to his left and to his right halt the mountie in his tracks.
He looks around to see a pair of dingoes smoking cigarettes sauntering up to him.
“Steady there, mate,” says the dingo to his left. “Mustn’t ruffle Mr. Whiskers. Makes me and my brother Chalkie here peevish.”
A third booming voice croaks from behind the cat, and the inspector sees that it’s the salty who ate the koala. “Is there a problem here I can help you with, Mr. W?” asks the croc.
“Nah, it’s all good, Biggles,” answers the cat. “No worries. Chalkie, be a good lad and fetch my hookah, smoking jacket, and fez, eh?”
“Right, Mr. W.”
“How was the koala, Biggles?” asks the cat as Chalkie returns with his water pipe, robe and fez.
“Bit gamy, if you ask me. Frankly, I think you dodged a bullet with that one, old son,” murmurs the slightly dyspeptic croc. “And passing those big brass buttons on his coat ain’t gonna be no treat, neither.”
“Piles actin’ up again, are they?” asks the cat.
“Oh, murderous, sir, murderous. Couldn’t get comfortable on the bank of the pond all day.”
Chalkie fills the bowl with hash and lights it. The cat takes a long draw. “Tuck in if you feel like it, lads. I don’t want to be a Scrooge. Now, inspector, let’s talk business. And remember, Albert here” – he nods in the direction of Chalkie’s brother – “is carrying a cane toad. And it’s not for show. One shot of its venom in your eyes and you’ll be cryin’ for yer mama.” Mr. Whiskers takes another pull on the hookah. “Right, Melanie. Come on out, hon. We need to discuss percentages.”
Melanie emerges from the brush, smoothing her dress. The inspector’s trousers are still dangling from her antler. “You know, Basil,” she says to the mountie, “I’ve always fancied being in films.”
“But this is a bloody porno!” protests the inspector.
“Oh, don’t be so provincial,” says the cat dismissively. “It’s how Lawrence Oliver got his start.”
“Isn’t!” cries the inspector.
“Is,” says the cat. “I read it in the News of the World.”
Biggles lets out a thunderous belch, and a single brass button flies from his mouth, bouncing off the inspector’s chest. “Sorry,” grunts the croc. “That furball’s givin’ me wind somethin’ awful.”
“Listen closely, inspector,” says the cat. “Here’s what I propose …”
Posted by alesta on December 23, 2004, at 1:16:02
In reply to Re: the story continues... » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 22, 2004, at 12:20:01
"now, inspector," the cat says, with a laid back, yet very in-charge air, while toking on his pipe.
"we're going to publish this little film here, and we're all going to be very *happy*. so, i suppose the only issue left to discuss is percentages! well, here's my take on it. melanie is clearly the more delectable of the two of you, so i say she gets 20%. and then my buddies and i here get 75%, and you, my friend, will receive a very generous 5% of the profits. well, i'm glad that's settled..""5%! 5 bloody %! and melanie receives twenty? you're bloody sexist! where's my agent! my lawyer! my..uh..POLICE!" the inspector yells in hysterics.
"oh, my, my, do calm down, inspector...there is an..alternative, should you choose it," the feline says coolly.
"and what the hel*'s that!" says the inspector.
"well..we could feed you to the croc..hehe...hehehe...hehehehehehehe," the cat says amusedly, and the cats, dogs, and croc all laugh heartily in unison.
then...
Posted by Atticus on December 23, 2004, at 17:33:25
In reply to wuz uuuuuup.. » Atticus, posted by alesta on December 23, 2004, at 1:16:02
... “Hot Moose Sex: Confessions of a Naughty Mountie” took the Sundance Film Festival by storm, kicking off a bidding war that ended up with an eight-figure distribution deal with Miramax. It won a record 17 Golden Globes and the Palm D’Or at Cannes, as well as best foreign film at the Oscars.
Where are they now?
Melanie and Basil were married in an event that became the highlight of the Canadian social scene that year. She launched a singing career based on the double-platinum soundtrack to the movie. Her outspoken stance on moose-mountie marriage eventually catapulted her to the PM’s office.Mr. Whiskers and his global crime cartel used its muscle to underwrite Melanie’s rise to power. Canada is currently run by the International Cat Mafia. The Canadians have been too polite to complain. In 2004, Mr. Whiskers had a torrid affair with Celine Dion. Her husband objected and was promptly eaten by Biggles the croc.
Biggles went on “American Idol” as a judge, devouring unworthy contestants. His popularity soared when he consumed Simon Colwell during an on-stage row. Biggles’ piles are much better, thank you for asking.
The dingoes Chalkie and Albert played a bumbling pair of Aussie mobsters trying to invade the London turf of a mob of Yorkies in a Guy Ritchie film. Chalkie and Ritchie’s wife, Madonna, ran off together shortly after filming, and are living in a villa in Venice.
You and your wife continue your comfortable existence in a suburb of Sydney, and remain active participants in Psycho-Babble.
An Alesta-Atticus Production. All rights reserved. Don’t mess with us, mate.
Posted by alesta on December 27, 2004, at 18:56:10
In reply to Da big finish » alesta, posted by Atticus on December 23, 2004, at 17:33:25
hi atticus:)
long time no see, my partner in writing crime.:) read my thread below...anyway, i haven't had time to read the big finale yet, but am greatly looking forward to it, and to checking out your poems when i get back online. stay cool, papi!yours,
amy:)
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Script revised: February 4, 2008
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