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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 57. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 9:43:39
... if you get your hair cut dramatically shorter and certain people (who sit right beside you) look straight at you and don't say anything about it. People have even said something about it in front of her. Of course its S, the one I've been having problems with. My boss too. Its just that they are the kind of people who notice this type of thing, and have always commented on the slightest change in the past. I feel like its an insult that they haven't made a comment. Am I just crazy or something? By the way, it looks *really* cute!
Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 10:09:56
In reply to Does anybody else get offended ..., posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 9:43:39
It used to really bother me when people who I *thought* were close to me didn't notice stuff like that, but I think maybe people look at different parts of us than we think they do???? Does that make sense? So last time I had my hair cut I tried not saying anything to anyone about whether it looked good or not, and about a week later, people started to notice it! I think for most people there is a sense that something is different, but it takes a week for them to figure out what it is! (I love having short hair; it makes bad hair days easier to deal with!)
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 10:23:17
In reply to Re: Does anybody else get offended ... » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 10:09:56
Yeah, I get that, and I understand why *some* people don't notice. But someone told me they liked it right in front of her. Under normal circumstances, she would have said, hey, yeah, you did get it cut didn't you? Or something! The fact that she said nothing just irks me. Plus I'm still mad that she hasn't tried to speak to me about the whole argument we've had. She acts like she's trying to be nice in some ways, like she wants to just pretend nothing is wrong. And I think that's what's really bothering me. She hasn't even tried to talk to me or work things out! I know by now I should just accept that the friendship isn't being reciprocated, but its the fact that she is so wishy washy about it. I mean, why go out of her way to be nice on some occasions, but not want to work things out? It just feels like at times she is trying, but yet I can't give any concrete examples. She hasn't even acknowledged the email I wrote her last week that basically said I knew she didn't want to be friends and I guess we never really were. I guess I've just been waiting for her to say that isn't true, but she hasn't. I can't explain it, but I feel like in some weird way it isn't true. I do feel like she wants to be friends but things are just all messed up right now. I just don't know how to get past it. It would be alot easier if I didn't have to sit beside her every day. Or if she would just act like she didn't want to be friends and be done with it. Instead I feel like she's keeping me in limbo. I wish I could just let it go, but I still care about her. Why can't I just let it go?
Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 10:44:11
In reply to Re: Does anybody else get offended ..., posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 10:23:17
Nothing hurts quite so much. If you can remember that this is HER problem, not yours; if you can remind yourself that she's unhappy about not being able to CONTROL you; would this help distance yourself from the hurt?
Most of all, it is her loss that she is spurning the friendship that you have cultivated. From what you've posted so far about this person, my impression is that she is someone who feels good by making others feel bad. She constantly needs to be reassured that she's faster, smarter, more likeable, prettier.... do you know what I'm saying? You must remember that you are no longer letting yourself be a victim of a relationship that belittles you like that. She definitely did not notice your haircut on purpose. You have to relinquish the power she holds over you in looking for her compliments on your cut.
You are in a position of strength, and she is bothered by this. You have already made plans to move on from this job where your future has been clearly sabotaged. You've moved into your own place so you're more independent than you've ever been. You are growing as a person, and she can't. I know all this sounds harsh, but you really do deserve a better friend than she has been. All this has happened for a reason!
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 10:57:10
In reply to When a friend stops being a friend » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 10:44:11
Thanks PC. I guess I needed to hear that. I have thought about the fact that I am changing and growing while she is settling, and how that might get to her. The whole thing about her boyfriend started because I know she is only with him because she feels like she *should* be with someone, and not because she's in love with him. That bugged me to no end. Maybe that is a catalyst in our relationship. I think my OCD has something to do with the inability to let it go. I keep obsessing about the whole thing. But having friends like you does help. And I know making more friends irl will help too. I'm going to go to some meetup.com meetings this week, so who knows who I'll meet?!
Posted by JenStar on August 9, 2004, at 11:42:11
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend, posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 10:57:10
TexasChic,
congrats on making plans to go to meetup to find some new friends! This one sounds like a difficult friend. It still might be possible to salvage the friendship if you work at it, but it's always so nice to have 'easier' friends too...ones who aren't so picky and judgemental and hot/cold. I hope you meet some great people. Keep us updated! :)JenStar
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 12:20:25
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend, posted by JenStar on August 9, 2004, at 11:42:11
Posted by Angela2 on August 9, 2004, at 12:56:57
In reply to Does anybody else get offended ..., posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 9:43:39
I bet it does look really cute ;)
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 13:17:52
In reply to Re: Does anybody else get offended ... » TexasChic, posted by Angela2 on August 9, 2004, at 12:56:57
Posted by gardenergirl on August 9, 2004, at 15:57:47
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend, posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 10:57:10
> Thanks PC. I guess I needed to hear that. I have thought about the fact that I am changing and growing while she is settling, and how that might get to her. .... I'm going to go to some meetup.com meetings this week, so who knows who I'll meet?!
TC,
What a great insight you have here. I agree, when someone chages and grows, it can also change relationships. We've had threads going in the past here on how therapy can affect marriages. And perhaps friends. That being said, I know it still hurts, and I am also someone who feels bad and sometimes guilty about the loss. In one case, I literally asked myself: What am I getting from this person in this friendship? Is it worth the energy I am investing and the pain I am experiencing? The answer was a resounding "NO"! That made it a bit easier to let go of the friendship, which felt irreparably damaged anyway. Now when I look at what I read, that seems like a cold way to evaluate a friendship, but still, one-sided effort is not fair and I think is too hard to sustain through changes like boyfriends or work stress, or personal growth.I also love the idea of meetup.com. My husband and I are going to one for the first time tonight. It is for supporters of our local candidate for the US House. I'm excited, but nervous. We go in two hours. Wish I had posted this earlier so you could give me some tips!
Take care.
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 8:31:55
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on August 9, 2004, at 15:57:47
I've actually never been to a meetup.com meeting yet. You'll have to give *me* some tips! My first one is tonight. Its called bookcrossing. I've never done it (they put stickers on books and then leave them around for people to find, then they go to the intenet site which tracks the books travels and what was thought of it), but its the only one I could find to do with books, so I guess I'll give it a try.
As for S, I'm getting really pissed off here. I know I should have given up long ago, but I keep pushing because I want her to admit she screwed up or something. I guess I just want an explanation. I've sent two emails, very detailed as to how she has made me feel, and how hurt I am, and she's never said a word. I finally sent an email from my work account asking if she would at least let me know if she received the emails I sent them from my home account, and my work account shows that she read that one. But still, nothing. I am so mad that she has yet to talk to me about this. I feel like she's doing it on purpose to irritate me – which is working. Anyway, maybe I'll be able to let it go eventually, but for right now I'm so angry for being ignored!!!
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 10:11:44
In reply to Re: When a friend stops being a friend » gardenergirl, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 8:31:55
I just don't understand! She just acts like, la ti da, everything is wonderful. I just want to slap her! I am so pissed!!! I just don't understand how she can feel content just to blow this off. I know I should just forget it, but how? I mean, this has been my closest friend for the past year, and she drops this bomb on me that she thinks I'm goofing off at work and then won't talk to me again! I feel like I just can't let it go. I may have to confront her. I don't know if that's the best idea or not, but I'm so sick of this silent business. I know she has some sort of opinion on the matter, she just refuses to talk to me about it! Argh!
Posted by JenStar on August 10, 2004, at 10:46:27
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 10:11:44
hi Texas Chic,
sorry about this whole mess! I feel for you.
Do you think it might help to ask her to go out for a cup of coffee with you to talk about your friendship? Or dinner or a drink, or something like that? You could meet at a quiet-ish place and have a frank discussion about what's all going on. Maybe that way you'd both feel more comfortable opening up. Maybe she's afraid to talk about it because she doesn't know how to mix a friendship with work issues, and by being silent it allows her to keep working and avoid her feelings.It's hard to read what she's doing. Maybe she's just being mean by ignoring you...maybe she honestly doesn't know how to respond...maybe she's torn between two responses and doesn't know which to give...maybe she feels really guilty b/c of how she treated you, but at the same time feels like she too has been mistrated; she doesn't have the courage to apologize and is also hoping for an apology of her own...
(In real life I'm sometimes a 'relationship wimp' so it's easy for me to offer gutsy advice here, on the web!)
Anyway, I hope things get better. From your posts it seems to me that you're a fun-loving person who really cares about trying to salvage this friendship, at least as much as you can. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Keep us updated!
JenStar
PS - how are things with the boss lately? Any better?
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:13:42
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by JenStar on August 10, 2004, at 10:46:27
Thanks Jen. I may just take your suggestion. I've been imagining confronting her and demanding an explanation, but your way sounds alot better. And it *is* hard to read her, which I think is why I can't let it go. I guess I just hate to drop it if there was any chance of saving the friendship.
As for my boss, she's acting like normal. But I no longer trust her. She's shown her true colors and I won't forget that. I'm being a total perfect employee though because I don't want to push it. I need this job until I can get a new one. I feel very hurt and betrayed by her actions though. I guess I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt regardless of clear signs not to. I took a chance that I could trust her and lost. I don't see how she could possibly think she handled the situation well. I can't help but wonder if she's biding time until she can get someone to replace me. It really wouldn't be out of character for her, and may explain why S won't talk to me. Who knows?
Well, I better get back to work. Thanks for writing!
Posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:36:03
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:13:42
Okay, she just left for lunch and I sent her an email saying: "Okay, this is my last try. Would you be willing to get together and talk? If not, will you give me an explanation as to why not? I think I deserve at least that much."
I hope she's willing to talk. I just can't stand all this unfinished business floating around. It also makes me more and more scared that she's avoiding me because she knows I'm going to get fired or something. God, why won't my brain just shut up sometimes!
Posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by TexasChic on August 10, 2004, at 11:36:03
TexasChick, I hope everythign works out. Your situation with your friend sound very icky. I myself have been in these types of situations before But only one of the people I thought was my good friend. He was such a jerk to me and acted like he didn't want anything to do with me, but in a nice way. So I never really knew if he cared. I wish I had confronted him about it but I never did so now I'll always wonder. *Standing up on a podium*: Let my actions be a lesson to you, Texaschick. Confront your friend and assert yourself. You must know for sure if you are friends or not. You must have closure. You must do this for your own mental wellbeing. You have to know the truth. The truth is out there! *steps down*
I'm rooting for you TexasChick
Posted by partlycloudy on August 10, 2004, at 15:11:56
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
I really liked you up on that soapbox! You go, girl!
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 8:22:27
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?!, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 15:00:55
Thank you Angela2! That's just the incouragement I need! She didn't respond to my email, which makes me so angry! I am determined to get something out of her though. If I have to go to her house and confront her I will. Of course, if she's being totally unreasonable, I will try not to let myself get dragged into that frame of mind. But I will at least try confronting her in person once. Then that's it. The worst part for me is I worry that she's avoiding me because I'm about to get fired. But I guess I'll find out eventually. Thanks everyone for your support. This has been really hard on me.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:14:29
In reply to Re: Why won't she talk to me?!?! » Angela2, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 8:22:27
I finally asked S why she was ignoring my emails and she said, "Because R (our boss) said we're not supposed to do that anymore". I said, "Well, you could have told me that rather than let me keep asking over and over why your not answering me." She repeated, "Well, R said we weren't supposed to do that anymore." So I said, "You could have told me verbally rather than letting it go on and on." She just shrugged her shoulders and walked off. I am just so sick of her and upset with her I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like she's intentionally trying to irk me. I just wish I had another job and could get out of here.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 11, 2004, at 9:27:30
In reply to Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:14:29
Here's a kleenex, TC. I know she is supposed to be your friend, but can I tell you (as your friend) that she isn't acting like one? I'm afraid I have had friends like this before. I've been incredibly upset and hurt by the things they've done and said - or not said. I'm definitely "gun shy" about making friends - it takes me a long long time, because I don't want to feel that vulnerable again. I have acquaintances that I keep an arm's length from for that very reason: I can see that the friendship would be parasitic instead of symbiotic. I'm way too fragile to open myself up to being friends with someone who is basically trying to crawl up the boss's behind, if you know what I mean.
At least you got an answer - kind of. You deserve a much better friend than she is capable of.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:34:48
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on August 11, 2004, at 9:27:30
Thank you PC. I just wish I could get past the hurt, but I don't seem to be able to just yet.
I've actually been printing out everyone's emails so that I can at least try to keep things in perspective. I just find it so hard to believe that someone can really be this hard hearted. I keep thinking, there's got to be some other explanation. I just can't comprehend the way she's behaving.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:57:37
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:34:48
If it weren't for my nephew Christopher, I'd just get up and leave without saying anything and go drive off the nearest bridge. I'm just so sick of being miserable. But of course I could never do that as long as Christopher needs me as much as he does. I know that sounds dramatic for the situation, but I guess its something that hovers there in my mind, waiting to jump out when I'm feeling especially low.
Posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 13:26:16
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 9:57:37
I'm feeling better now. That old suicide idealation (sp) just busts out every so often. I just have a hard time handling rejection I guess. I'm going to a meetup.com meeting tonight. I don't really feel like it, but I'm going to try to force myself because I know its a good idea. I'll let you know how it goes. I missed last night's meeting because I went to the dentist and felt crappy, plus I had the new kitty to take care of and get stuff for. I still don't have a real litter box yet, I'm using the bottom of a cheap styrofoam cooler that I cut the top off of.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 11, 2004, at 21:14:42
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again, posted by TexasChic on August 11, 2004, at 13:26:16
Sorry your friend is being so cold. I know from experience how stressful and painful it is when coworkers don't get along. Especially ones that were friends.
Also, I meant to post to you about my meetup, but somehow I overlooked that part of this thread and I forgot. :(
My hubby and I were the second people to show, so we got to speak with the coordinator a bit. We hit it off right away, and had some things in common. It was a nice, diverse group, and I really enjoyed meeting them. I'll probably see some again if I actually do volunteer for this candidate as I intend.
Hang in there. Maybe try working on letting this friendship go, closure or not? Perhaps you can do some ritual like writing your thoughts on a slip of paper and putting it into a balloon and then releasing it, as you release her power to hurt you???
Take care, TC. We're here for you.
gg
Posted by TexasChic on August 12, 2004, at 8:07:11
In reply to Re: Crying at my desk again » TexasChic, posted by gardenergirl on August 11, 2004, at 21:14:42
Thank you gg. That means alot to me. And the thing about the balloon is such a great idea! I might just do that.
I went to my first meetup last night. It was great! I can't remember the last time I sat around and had intelligent conversation with like minded people. By the end of the night we were talking about a get together at a person's house this weekend. They were just the nicest group of people. I guess the first step in making new friends is just putting yourself out there. I encourage anyone to try meetup.com.
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