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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cass on August 4, 2004, at 17:45:34
Today I learned that one of the other congregation members at my church committed suicide. I didn't solicalize with him a great deal, but we had a good rapore, and I would call us friends even though things had become sort of strained in the last couple of months. We were in a church group together, and there was some conflict. He was sort of controlling and didn't like that we weren't always along with his ideas. He had stormed out of the group feeling unappreciated, and I think he was angry at us. Nonetheless, he was very friendly to me the last time I saw him a few weeks ago. He seemed fine although we didn't talk much. He was sort of a volatile person, but he was also very kind and accepting. He had some medical problems, but he didn't seem very effected by them. He looked healthy, and he was very athletic. He had a wife and small children.
I'm really floored by this. I just can't believe he's dead. I never thought he seemed depressed. His personality was a little quirky, but does that mean someone's going to commit suicide? Did the incident in our group contribute to his suicide? Was he having family problems, money problems? I'm sure I'll find out more information in time, but right now I'm left feeling flabergasted and sad.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 4, 2004, at 18:06:53
In reply to I got some tragic news **possible trigger**, posted by Cass on August 4, 2004, at 17:45:34
Cass,
I'm so sorry to hear your news. I think your questions are quite common after something like that happens. We try to come to some explanation and understanding...to make some sense out of it. I think we do this both because we are rational beings and we try to make sense out of all things, and also because having an explanation can make it feel less upsetting, perhaps. Almost as if it gives us back our sense of control against seemingly random events.Please take care, and post more if it helps. You may also find valuable support and info. on the grief board.
((((Cass))))
gg
Posted by octopusprime on August 4, 2004, at 18:57:35
In reply to I got some tragic news **possible trigger**, posted by Cass on August 4, 2004, at 17:45:34
((cass))
i am so sorry.
i've been sorting out how to feel when one of your friends commits suicide. i sadly went through this myself not too long ago. i posted about it on the grief board.
cass, how would you feel if i told you that you can never really know why another person commits suicide. i mean, if there was a note, it's not like his family is going to share the contents of the note with you. since you were not in a deeply personal relationship with him, it's likely you'll never really understand why he did it. how will you come to terms with that, if it's the case?
talk about it. talk to people in your congregation. don't just sweep it under the rug. talk about how you felt when you found out. get the support you need to make it through.
since you are posting here, i wonder if you have suicidal thoughts or have had suicidal thoughts in the past. does hearing about the suicide of somebody you know make you want to kill yourself too? call somebody that can help if you need to. call your therapist, call your pdoc, call a friend. you don't have to go through this all alone.
you never can tell who is mentally ill just by looking. that's part of the stigma and the shame of mental illness, that it's "all in your head" and "you don't look sick". i think many of us have heard this, it's why we struggle so much every day.
channel energy constructively. send a nice note with memories of your friend to his wife. make a nice casserole and bring it over. give money to foundations that help raise awareness about suicide and help treat mental illness.
it's pervasive, isn't it? it touches all of us.
i am so sorry for your loss cass, and i deeply empathize with your struggle. take good care of yourself, and treat yourself with kindness over the next little while.
ps - i did find it very helpful to read more about suicide and the causes of suicide after my friend disappeared. my other dear friend did not find that kind of thing helpful. i leave it up to you.
Posted by DaisyM on August 4, 2004, at 21:39:14
In reply to Re: I got some tragic news **possible trigger** » Cass, posted by octopusprime on August 4, 2004, at 18:57:35
I'm sorry for your loss. My husband's brother did this more than 18 years ago and his family still wonders why, even though he left a note. We think he was undiagnosed bipolar, but we will never really know.
I never understood his silent pain until this year. I always thought that you must be able to see a better solution that this. But in the bleak, dark moments, sometimes you can't. I wish I had known more about what depression feels like back then. No one talked about it.
I agree with the OP. Talk about it. Maybe you'll save someone else.
I'll say a prayer tonight for you and your friend.
Posted by jay on August 4, 2004, at 23:39:56
In reply to Re: I got some tragic news **possible trigger** » Cass, posted by octopusprime on August 4, 2004, at 18:57:35
I think it was Carl Rogers who said that. When I lost my little daughter to an accident, and though it wasn't a suicide, it still just had all of that "black dog" of never-ending pain and depression. I did have a major suicide in my life....my best friend shot his head off at 19. The pain is all different, but if feels like it comes from the same place.
As others have said...talk about it..support others and let yourself be supported. I *really* don't know about this whole 'closure' and 'healing' thing..I just take it as one day a step ahead..one two back, etc.
All the best,
Jay
Posted by Cass on August 5, 2004, at 0:08:14
In reply to grief is SO much like depression...CASS, posted by jay on August 4, 2004, at 23:39:56
Thanks so much for all of your support. It really helps because I haven't been able to talk to many people about it yet.
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past too. What happened to him could have happened to me, but the last 3 years or so have been great for me, and I haven't had much depression in that time. I'm lucky. The last time I saw my friend, he just seemed very calm, and he was affectionate toward me. I remember being relieved because I was worried that he was mad at me. I guess I can't rack my head trying to figure out why he committed suicide. I just don't know. I wish things were different. I wish he could have held out until things got better. I'm so sad for him. Besides knowing him at church, he and his wife attended my wedding. I had also been to a party at their house. They are linked to my life. Some things are irreversable, and death is one of them. He's gone. I'm not judgemental toward people who commit suicide. I don't blame him. I'm just sad that we'll never see that mischevious sparkle in his blue eyes again.
Thanks again for all your support.
Posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 7:56:42
In reply to grief is SO much like depression...CASS, posted by jay on August 4, 2004, at 23:39:56
Hi Cass. Gosh...what a terrrible tragedy. Suicide is different than other ways of dying. Most people die at the hands of time, a disease or perhaps the actions of another but when they take their own life, it leaves those left behind bewildered and filled with questions. The others are right. You should feel free to talk about this and post. Questions and thoughts both rational and irrational may pop up in your mind as the months and days ensue. I'm with you though on the matter of judgement. I feel so sorry for someone who is at the point where they can't see any other way out of their problems. I've been there too where graveyards looked tempting and people with Pollyanna attitudes made me sick. My prayers go to you today, my friend, and the family and friends of this young man.
C
Posted by Cass on August 6, 2004, at 11:05:55
In reply to Re: grief is SO much like depression...CASS, posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 7:56:42
I think I'm beginning to work through this grief. I've talked to some other people about it now, and today I'm going to cook some food and take it to his widow's house. Talking and helping has eased some of the pain. I'm sure going to miss my friend. I can't imagine what his wife's going through though. She's a very, very sweet lady. I hope everything works out for her. Life insurance policies don't pay out for suicides, but I'm glad to know she has lots of family around her, and I'm sure people at the church will be offering to help her including myself. You all have been very supportive. I've really appreciated all your support!
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