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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 28, 2004, at 21:09:01
In reply to would like advice from all - honesty with friends, posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:03:36
Posted by JenStar on July 28, 2004, at 20:03:36
> hi everyone,
> I've read many insightful posts from the people here on Babble, and I was hoping to get some insight into an issue I've been having.
>
> If this is more appropriate to the social board, I don't mind being redirected there.
>
> A couple that I know recently broke up. Although we were friends first with the guy (I'll call him Sam), it was his girlfriend (I'll call her "Betty") who worked hard to stay in touch.
>
> Although we hadn't been the greatest of friends before the breakup, Betty started calling me very frequently, crying, sobbing, asking for commiseration and corroberation that her ex was a jerk and a loser and out of his mind. She spent hours talking about him, analyzing minutia of the breakup, talking about what a mistake he'd made, etc.
>
> I tried to be supportive. We had her over for dinner, did a day-trip with her & her kids, and I cooked her meals when she was sick.
>
> She's started getting very clingy. Despite being tight up for money, she gives me frequent gifts that seem too nice (jewelry, for example.) She said I could "think of her" every time I wore it. I was uncomfortable, thanked her, and have never worn it, even though it is pretty.
>
> The worst part is that I think she 'regifted it' and is passing it off as a bought gift. Not that I mind that at all...I often trade things around with my girlfriends. But we do it openly (This doesn't fit...do you want it? This just isn't me...can you use it?) Either way makes me feel weird. Either she got me an expensive gift when she says she can't afford rent, or she gave me a 'regift' and is passing it off as something she bought instead of groceries. I don't know which makes me feel more uncomfortable. And I don't want to "think of her" every time I wear it!
>
> She's kind of needy for attention and validation, and dresses rather provocatively and flirts with all the guys around, married or not. I invited her to a happy hour with friends who didn't know her. She showed up and started flirting heavily with some of the men in the group. Later I overheard one girl maliciously whisper to a friend, "what a slut!" and someone else honestly asked if Betty was this guy's wife (she wasn't - she was just being VERY flirty!)
>
> This is just not "my way" of hanging out -- I like talking about books, literature, politics, etc. She likes talking about pop culture, who's sleeping with whom, and making coarse jokes. I don't feel that we have a lot in common, at least on the surface, but it's hard to tell what she's REALLY thinking. She always acts like all is perfect and that she has an answer for everything.
>
> What frustrates me is that we're not really FRIENDS. I'm sort of a sounding board for all her complaints, and an echo of what she wants to hear. ("Yes, Sam IS a Jerk. He DID make a mistake. It WAS all his fault.") I truly feel that she made lots of mistakes too, and that she is still making some, and that I'd like to point out some faults and flaws and stuff that just p*** me off -- but I don't know how.
>
> If we're ever to be 'real' friends we have to -- or I have to -- get into the realm of saying what I really think and what I really feel. I don't want to hurt her or be malicious, but I want to be honest. Otherwise she might as well hang out with a parrot. But I've been the sympathetic "yes, yes" friend now and I don't know how to switch over.
>
> Is it possible to break off a friendship if I don't really like the person? Is that mean? Or is it possible to salvage this and turn her into a 'real' friend?
>
> Any suggestions?
> thanks in advance!
>
> JenSTar
>
>
>
Posted by cubic_me on July 29, 2004, at 8:22:04
In reply to would like advice - honesty with friends « JenStar, posted by Dr. Bob on July 28, 2004, at 21:09:01
I've had several similar, though not nearly as 'difficult' friends in the past, one even said that she might as well not be alive if I wasn't her friend, so I understand how hard it is.
One way I found to deal with it was to think hard about how much time I could afford to spend with this person. You don't want to be harsh to her, but you don't want to feel like you have to spend every spare moment with her - you've got a busy life. You could Let her know how much you have on at the momenl (exaggerate a little if you have to!) and say that really you only have time to meet up for coffee once a week, or whatever. I've found that backing away from someone slowly is the best option, and is less likely to hurt them.
Do you know any people who she is likely to get on well with? Maybe you could introduce her to them, or suggest that she might want to see a therapist for a few sessions to get over her breakup. It's not fair on you to have to carry her along and agree with her critisisms of your old friend just to keep the peace - maybe you should challenge her on this once in a while.
Good luck, cubic
she is likely
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 29, 2004, at 8:58:37
In reply to To JenStar, posted by cubic_me on July 29, 2004, at 8:22:04
Jen,
I have had similar problems in the past. Very needy friends who I didn't like. And I could never get out of these relationships. Until (drumroll....) therapy. The main reason why I never ended these energy sucky relationships was that I wanted everyone to like me, even people I didn't like. I couldn't bear the thought of someone being mad at me and actually (gasp!) disliking me.
I have now learned that if I want to be ahealthy person, I must be my own gatekeeper and allow only people into my life whom I care for and who are not psychologically bad for me. I am finally getting the self-love I need in order to fianlly say NO. And that's what it is in my opinion. You have to love and respect yourself enough to stop wasting time on people who are bad for you, even if it means hurting them or having them mad at you.
Chemistry is chemistry. I don't think it is possible for you to turn this woman into a real friend if those feelings haven't been there from the beginning. She needs a shrink, big time. And like others have said, she is using you for this. This is not respectful to you.
Posted by starlight on July 29, 2004, at 11:22:38
In reply to Re: To JenStar, posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 29, 2004, at 8:58:37
Hi Jen,
You've got such a tough situation here. And you've got a lot of reasons to be concerned. One thing to remember is that there must have been a good reason for her boyfriend to break up with her, and maybe it has to do with her behavior patterns.The hard part is that you don't really need us to analyze her behavior, you need suggestions for how to end this without feeling guilty, without hurting her and with actions that try to make the best of this difficut situation.
First, I suggest returning the jewelry and saying, "I've done alot of thinking about this and feel very awkward accepting these types of gifts. I don't think our relationship warrants these types of gifts." Don't allow her to force you to keep them, this way, you get the upper hand.
Stop inviting her to functions. Tell her that your life has gotten so busy and that you think it's important for her own healing that she develop other friendships. Follow your intuition on her flirting with your husband. Usually if you're suspecting it, it's for a reason. If those tactics don't work, you may need to address it head on and be more blunt.
Good luck in all of this and I hope you're able to find a way to build some stronger boundaries. It's not your job to save her.
starlight
Posted by AuntieMel on July 29, 2004, at 12:32:47
In reply to To JenStar, posted by cubic_me on July 29, 2004, at 8:22:04
Another thing you could do is tell her that you consider *both* of them to be friends and you really don't want to get in the middle of it or discuss it. And that discussing it makes you feel disloyal to him.
It may take a couple of reminders, but if she truly wants to be a friend, she'll accept that. Friend or not, she'll need to find someone else to vent to.
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 31, 2004, at 10:47:21
In reply to would like advice - honesty with friends « JenStar, posted by Dr. Bob on July 28, 2004, at 21:09:01
Posted by shortelise on July 30, 2004, at 20:48:42
I change and my relationships have to change. I have let some friendships go because they were no longer the kinds of relationships I want to have with people.
It's ok, in my opinion. But I think she might pressure you to know why you're "mad" at her.
Shorte
Posted by Susan47 on July 31, 2004, at 10:54:40
In reply to Re: honesty with friends « shortelise, posted by Dr. Bob on July 31, 2004, at 10:47:21
What's happening with your friend issue?
Posted by JenStar on July 31, 2004, at 15:06:27
In reply to How are you doing JenStar?, posted by Susan47 on July 31, 2004, at 10:54:40
thanks for asking! :) She actually just got fired from a job (eeek) and is needing help and support (emotional, not financial.) I'm feeling the struggle anew: do I be there for her, because she needs someone, even though I find it hard to bond with her?
I'm trying to take some of the advice I received: to set limits on the friendship, like telling her I can have coffee/lunch once in a while but it's hard for me to do dinner/etc.
I want her to have friends and have support, but I just don't feel that I'm the right one.
We'll see you it goes! I know it's not like I'm the greatest, most wonderful friend in the universe. She can get along without me. Still, I feel 'mean' for abandoning her. Maybe I feel special that she WANTS me as a friend, and it strokes my ego, and that's why it's hard for me to break off the friendship. (Why are we so complex? Why are things so difficult???)
anyway, thanks for taking time to ask!
Hope you and your friendship are cool. :)JenStar
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 1, 2004, at 17:32:07
In reply to would like advice - honesty with friends « JenStar, posted by Dr. Bob on July 28, 2004, at 21:09:01
Posted by JenStar on July 31, 2004, at 14:53:13
thanks to all for taking the time to read my question and advice. I really appreciate it! You've given me some good ideas to ponder. I will def. have to think about what the relationship means to me, why I'm in it, what I 'get' from her.
It's true that I also want everyone to like me, even people I don't esp. like! That's not healthy for me or the other person involved, I know. I need to get past that.
Thanks again for the advice!
Have a great weekend, everyone.JenStar
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