![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
I look back, as far as I can remember, and it's just periods of different emotional pain. There's always some issue, some big source of it. These days the source of the pain is therapy. Before therapy, it was work, or other people, or other problems. Usually people. People who've hurt me or disappointed me, or they're just not there at all, or not there enough.
I take a step back to look at this picture, and I see an isolated woman, alone in a house. The house is messy, she cries a lot, she doesn't keep very good habits. She has no visitors, she has no phone messages. It looks like a movie of someone who's about to do something desperate. I'm afraid for her.
Posted by shadows721 on July 2, 2004, at 23:51:38
In reply to All I see is pain, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
Is she about do something desperate? I sure hope not. You are writing the script for her. This stage can change, but you have to write that in for her. You have to love her enough to allow people in to her life to love her.
There are many things she can do. She can join a support group, classes (art or exercise), or join a church. She is the only one putting herself in this setting. In other words, she is the only one here hurting herself by isolating. No one else is doing this.
What can you write for her today? Does she have pets? Does she have flowers surrounding her? What does she need today from you?
Shadows721
Posted by snapper on July 3, 2004, at 0:32:18
In reply to Re: All I see is pain, posted by shadows721 on July 2, 2004, at 23:51:38
This is the best time of the day for me! It is late and things are quiet and my brain has agreed to turn itself down for a few hours.I am so thankful for this period of the day. Ambien gives me a few hours of solace. I am so thankful for this brief interlude everynight!It is this much needed down time that is keeping me sane and keeping me alive. I am desperately in search of more time like this.I almost feel half way normal...please God let it get better and better!!!I have been fighting the 'good fight' for so long and I need some much needed respite!!please,please please!!!!!!
Snapper
Posted by Dinah on July 3, 2004, at 4:49:59
In reply to All I see is pain, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
Tabitha, while I agree with you to some extent... My therapy today was about the various dangers in opening yourself to people, and how much easier it would feel to turn inward rather than outward.
But... From someone who has known you for quite some time, you sound less resilient and more fragile than you have for a long time. I certainly mean this question in a really loving way, but I was wondering where you're standing medication wise right now. I remember you had decreased the antidepressants a while back, and I'm not sure if you had gone back up with them. Perhaps it's time to give your pdoc a call, letting them know how you're feeling? Undertreated depression can lower the range of vision enough that it *seems* as if everything has always been as bad as it feels now, and nothing will ever change for the better.
((((Tabitha))))
Posted by TofuEmmy on July 3, 2004, at 11:05:31
In reply to All I see is pain, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
1. toenail polish that hold up all week - it's a miracle of science!
2. baseball games
3. plants that keeps living despite the odds
4 finding the fridge stocked with yogurt and fruit - this could be do-able?
5. weekends - hey! you're in luck! :-)
6. her VERY ultra cool purse
7. easy dinners (hmmm pasta and tomatoes...sounds good!)
8. re-doing her fingernails, cause this is a tiny gift to someone special
9. taking walks
10. remember that dance festival with all the dancers and costumes?? Wasn't that lovely??Wishing I you could feel my hugs! :-)
Emmy
Posted by Racer on July 3, 2004, at 14:48:09
In reply to All I see is pain, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
Tabitha, since I'm living in this cell with you -- today, at least -- I can't tell you how to fix it. I can tell you something I'm doing, though, and what I realized that made me start doing it, and maybe that will give you an idea that will help you, too.
I realized a while back that I couldn't remember ever having felt anything different from what I was feeling RIGHTTHISMINUTE. Even if I knew that, for example, I had done something I found enjoyable or satisfying just in the days before, I would be unable to imagine what it had felt like, or what it meant. Once I realized that the utter despair I was feeling at one moment wasn't illustrative of my entire life -- or even my entire WEEK -- I started writing it down. I got a notebook, and every day I'd write a note of the time and my mood. For me, it worked best to attach it to meals, so I'd write down the date, the time of every meal, what the meal consisted of, and my mood. I'd also make a little note of anything I'd done that day, and anything that might have influenced my mood, like therapy, doctor's visit, national or world news, something good happening, etc. (Of course, being me, it had to get complicated from there, but you can do it the "normal" way and just make a quick jotting on a page :-D I used time as well as a 1-5 mood scale, so that I could go back and check to see if there were trends, like being in a better mood in the morning, etc. And the 1-5 scale works nicely because then I just enter one number into a little box on a sheet of paper and I'm done.) The benefit of doing all this -- once you remove the complications I've added by deciding to computerize the process -- is that I can look back over the days and say, "OK, right this minute I feel like just ending my life because nothing has ever gone well for me and therefore never will -- but two days ago I was feeling pretty damned good and even left the house when I didn't need to!" Since I also note down everything important that I do, including basic housecleaning chores, it also reminds me that I am not totally useless, no matter how much it seems that way to me. THAT, my girl, is an immensely helpful thing for me, and that list actually gives me incentive to DO things, even if they are only taking place at home. It's kinda distressing to me to see those blank days, so I try to find things to do to fill the spaces on my little forms. The little things may not be all that meaningful on their own, but they add up to an improved environment over time, which adds momentum to my little snowball -- even if the snowball is in constant danger of melting.
Now, Tabby, this is just something that helped me. The same thing might or might not be helpful to you, but I hope hearing about it might get your mind going on something that might be helpful to you. (And you could just jot a number to represent your mood on the calendar each day, rather than making a notebook, for example -- just something to remind yourself of anything that is a little better for you.) This is one of the real devilish parts of depression, Tabs: it robs us of our ability to see times when it hasn't been like this. And it hasn't always been like this. It might have been worse at times, or better, but it's impossible to remember those times when you're in the darkness and can't see the world around you.
I think Dinah is right, too: you're sounding particularly like the Fragile Tabitha, and that's worrisome. Can you get to your pdoc to talk about either increasing or changing your meds? You don't want to keep feeling this way, and we don't want to see you feeling so wretched, and we don't want to worry about "our" sweet Tabitha. I hope you can find something helpful soonest, and start feeling better.
And therapy is supposed to feel bad -- that usually means it's working its magic, you know? It's horrible while it's going on, and it's like a car wreck: you feel as if you're moving in slow motion and every fiber in your being screams for it not to happen even as it becomes more and more inevitable. The good news is that, like most car crashes, once it's happened you get the pleasant surprise of being able to walk away from it in one piece, even if you're sore and in shock for a while. Here's a personal promise from me to you: if you're working hard in therapy, and going through all the horribly painful parts with a pocketful of honesty, you WILL survive no matter how bad it feels at the time. And you'll walk away from it all standing taller and straighter, and feeling the warmth of the sun again.
Best of everything to you, Tabitha. Here are my hopes that the Sunshine day comes soon to you.
Posted by daisym on July 3, 2004, at 16:59:35
In reply to Re: All I see is pain » tabitha, posted by Dinah on July 3, 2004, at 4:49:59
>>>My therapy today was about the various dangers in opening yourself to people, and how much easier it would feel to turn inward rather than outward.
<<<Oh Dinah, You have no idea how much I'm struggling with this. I told my Therapist on Thursday that "I give up." I don't understand what I need, so how can I ever hope to get it from anyone else, even him. I'm even floating balloons about cutting back on therapy, I want to pull in and in and in.
So, please tell me about the discussion, if you can. It IS dangerous reaching out, so why do it? What is this need that makes me try every so often? The result is always the same. I'm still alone but I feel worse having it validated yet again that "I" don't really matter...what I accomplish (working, cooking, etc.) matters to people. But how I'm feeling? They don't want to really know. They just want it to be "fine."
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 3, 2004, at 17:39:25
In reply to Please say more » Dinah, posted by daisym on July 3, 2004, at 16:59:35
You are so special to me. I see you as my sister/twin. We are so similar.
I care about you....this makes my heart ache. I know sometimes I can view and reveiw my life from the perspective of pain. I know there was joy in there too. Joy seems more fleeting.
Oh honey I care so deeply about you.
Everyone here is offering such good suggestions...
I know it's hard sometimes to do but take a moment and view it from another angle? Give a moment to all the love that is pouring in to you. I know for a fact I am feeling love for you right now. Can you feel it? Take a moment and close your eyes and feel my love.
You are so special to me.
I am going to send you love all night and tomorrow too.
Let me know if you feel it.
Posted by tabitha on July 3, 2004, at 23:07:10
In reply to tabitha.....I love you., posted by Jai Narayan on July 3, 2004, at 17:39:25
can't talk much now, but didn't want folks to worry I'd hurt myself.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 4, 2004, at 10:44:53
In reply to Re: still breathing, posted by tabitha on July 3, 2004, at 23:07:10
Glad to hear it, Tabitha. Please take care. It seems like stuff comes in waves. You'll be on top of the crest, soon.
(((Tabitha)))
gg
Posted by jay on July 4, 2004, at 11:42:54
In reply to Re: still breathing, posted by tabitha on July 3, 2004, at 23:07:10
> can't talk much now, but didn't want folks to >worry I'd hurt myself.
Tabitha...it sounds really bad for you, and I am deeply sorry. Have you been to your doc or considered any med changes? (I know..probably millions, eh?..heh) Just "getting by" isn't fair...you deserve (as do all of us, really) the optimal treatment.
I have found myself in depressions where, even though I wouldn't harm myself, just feeling so negative, sometimes flat and sometimes like I wanted to just fall asleep, are symptoms something isn't right.
I wish the best for you...
Peace and best as always..
Jay
Posted by Emme on July 4, 2004, at 14:02:02
In reply to All I see is pain, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
> I look back, as far as I can remember, and it's just periods of different emotional pain. There's always some issue, some big source of it. These days the source of the pain is therapy. Before therapy, it was work, or other people, or other problems. Usually people. People who've hurt me or disappointed me, or they're just not there at all, or not there enough.
Oh jeez, that's so hard, to not be able to derive any pleasure from things in your past. I'm sure you already know that you're looking through the lens of depression, but I know it's hard to keep that in mind when you feel so rotten.
> I take a step back to look at this picture, and I see an isolated woman, alone in a house. The house is messy, she cries a lot, she doesn't keep very good habits. She has no visitors, she has no phone messages.
(((Tabitha))) Your image breaks my heart - I sometimes see something like that. Depression is so isolating. I second whoever wrote about making sure you talk to your pdoc. Make sure she/he knows how bad you feel. You may in fact need med changes. You've always struck me as having a great spirit. It's still in there!
I'm glad to see from one of yor other posts that you're trying to hang in there. Now....I will boss you around...do as I say.....breathe....put away just *one* item in your apartment.....eat a carrot so you can say you ate something healthy....do what Fallsfall would advise and eat ice cream....and paint your toenails an absurd color. Actually, I'm not trying to make light of how you feel - just keep trying to do things to provide yourself with some stimulation and distraction. And if you start to feel on the edge, do whatever it takes to stay safe.
Emme
Posted by All Done on July 4, 2004, at 18:49:09
In reply to Re: All I see is pain » tabitha, posted by Emme on July 4, 2004, at 14:02:02
Tabitha,
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I like Emme's list of things to do. Take it slow and get one thing at a time accomplished. But let us know if you need to talk. Gosh, I wish I could come paint your tosies for you. That would be fun!
Please try to remember that you are very, very special and lovely woman. We see it here all the time.
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by sb417 on July 4, 2004, at 18:57:39
In reply to All I see is pain, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
Hi Tabitha,
How are you doing today? Please let us know how you're feeling, even if you have time to write only a line or two.
I'm sorry that you've been feeling so blue. I always like reading your posts. You are such an interesting, resourceful and capable person. I hope that you keep that in mind. Holiday weekends can be very difficult, especially for those of us who are single. Can you join some friends to watch fireworks? Even if they are less than spectacular (the friends and/or the fireworks!), getting out might help to stop the ruminations.
Please let us know how you are.
sb
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.