Posted by Racer on July 3, 2004, at 14:48:09
In reply to All I see is pain, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 23:11:10
Tabitha, since I'm living in this cell with you -- today, at least -- I can't tell you how to fix it. I can tell you something I'm doing, though, and what I realized that made me start doing it, and maybe that will give you an idea that will help you, too.
I realized a while back that I couldn't remember ever having felt anything different from what I was feeling RIGHTTHISMINUTE. Even if I knew that, for example, I had done something I found enjoyable or satisfying just in the days before, I would be unable to imagine what it had felt like, or what it meant. Once I realized that the utter despair I was feeling at one moment wasn't illustrative of my entire life -- or even my entire WEEK -- I started writing it down. I got a notebook, and every day I'd write a note of the time and my mood. For me, it worked best to attach it to meals, so I'd write down the date, the time of every meal, what the meal consisted of, and my mood. I'd also make a little note of anything I'd done that day, and anything that might have influenced my mood, like therapy, doctor's visit, national or world news, something good happening, etc. (Of course, being me, it had to get complicated from there, but you can do it the "normal" way and just make a quick jotting on a page :-D I used time as well as a 1-5 mood scale, so that I could go back and check to see if there were trends, like being in a better mood in the morning, etc. And the 1-5 scale works nicely because then I just enter one number into a little box on a sheet of paper and I'm done.) The benefit of doing all this -- once you remove the complications I've added by deciding to computerize the process -- is that I can look back over the days and say, "OK, right this minute I feel like just ending my life because nothing has ever gone well for me and therefore never will -- but two days ago I was feeling pretty damned good and even left the house when I didn't need to!" Since I also note down everything important that I do, including basic housecleaning chores, it also reminds me that I am not totally useless, no matter how much it seems that way to me. THAT, my girl, is an immensely helpful thing for me, and that list actually gives me incentive to DO things, even if they are only taking place at home. It's kinda distressing to me to see those blank days, so I try to find things to do to fill the spaces on my little forms. The little things may not be all that meaningful on their own, but they add up to an improved environment over time, which adds momentum to my little snowball -- even if the snowball is in constant danger of melting.
Now, Tabby, this is just something that helped me. The same thing might or might not be helpful to you, but I hope hearing about it might get your mind going on something that might be helpful to you. (And you could just jot a number to represent your mood on the calendar each day, rather than making a notebook, for example -- just something to remind yourself of anything that is a little better for you.) This is one of the real devilish parts of depression, Tabs: it robs us of our ability to see times when it hasn't been like this. And it hasn't always been like this. It might have been worse at times, or better, but it's impossible to remember those times when you're in the darkness and can't see the world around you.
I think Dinah is right, too: you're sounding particularly like the Fragile Tabitha, and that's worrisome. Can you get to your pdoc to talk about either increasing or changing your meds? You don't want to keep feeling this way, and we don't want to see you feeling so wretched, and we don't want to worry about "our" sweet Tabitha. I hope you can find something helpful soonest, and start feeling better.
And therapy is supposed to feel bad -- that usually means it's working its magic, you know? It's horrible while it's going on, and it's like a car wreck: you feel as if you're moving in slow motion and every fiber in your being screams for it not to happen even as it becomes more and more inevitable. The good news is that, like most car crashes, once it's happened you get the pleasant surprise of being able to walk away from it in one piece, even if you're sore and in shock for a while. Here's a personal promise from me to you: if you're working hard in therapy, and going through all the horribly painful parts with a pocketful of honesty, you WILL survive no matter how bad it feels at the time. And you'll walk away from it all standing taller and straighter, and feeling the warmth of the sun again.
Best of everything to you, Tabitha. Here are my hopes that the Sunshine day comes soon to you.
poster:Racer
thread:362734
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040626/msgs/362824.html