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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cubic_me on June 21, 2004, at 8:55:20
I hate the way I feel. Every day waking up to the same dread inside. Feeling like I want to rip the insides from my body and tear them into shreads. Feeling that no physical punishment would be enough for me.
Every day is another one filled with fake smiles and small talk, while I'm thinking of death and razor blades, wondering how I'm going to make it through until I can sleep again - a pseudo death that is the only releif from myself until I get the courage.
Why have some humans evolved to still have these thoughts and desires? You'd think that any genetic predisposition would have killed itself off centuries ago.
To live or to die is such a hard choice when life gets this painful. Its a shame you can't be dead while you decide whether to live or not.
Posted by ghost on June 21, 2004, at 9:20:18
In reply to So hard *trigger*, posted by cubic_me on June 21, 2004, at 8:55:20
you described my feelings of depression to a T. (omg, that was almost a pun.)
it's creepy sometimes that someone can describe you so acutely, only to realise they're talking about themselves.
you're not alone. not at all.
Posted by justyourlaugh on June 21, 2004, at 9:25:58
In reply to So hard *trigger*, posted by cubic_me on June 21, 2004, at 8:55:20
cubic,,
i live day to day knowing that it is not my choice to end life..
it is irrelevent if i am suicidal..it just isnt my right to carry it out.
i have to live out the rest of my life "marked"..
constant reminders of pain.
i traded in my "sharps" desperately trying to find healthy replacements..
its not in a bottle...or a pill jar..
still searching..
give yourself time to explore new options..
your life is very precious.
i wish you a better day, hour, minute..
jyl
Posted by B2chica on June 21, 2004, at 11:46:23
In reply to So hard *trigger*, posted by cubic_me on June 21, 2004, at 8:55:20
it's a cycle.
it is not where we are stuck.
the pain is there,
the memories hide.
it stays near just to rot inside.no one can stop this weight from fall.
no one can wish our ache be gonewe are the ones that bear this life
we are the ones that fight this pain
it is never i, or never you
it is the fall that's hollow
it is the group that isolates
it is the body...that sleeps
it is the pain that is alone
but WE are not.
We can lift the body
We can fight with mind
We can fight with spirit
We can love with soul
We can fall...and be caught within ourselves.
We are NEVER alone....even if we are alone.
b2c.>Feeling that no physical punishment would be enough for me.
>
> Every day is another one filled with fake smiles and small talk, while I'm thinking of death and razor blades, wondering how I'm going to make it through until I can sleep again - a pseudo death that is the only releif from myself until I get the courage.
>
> Why have some humans evolved to still have these thoughts and desires? You'd think that any genetic predisposition would have killed itself off centuries ago.
>
> To live or to die is such a hard choice when life gets this painful. Its a shame you can't be dead while you decide whether to live or not.
Posted by B2chica on June 21, 2004, at 12:11:01
In reply to So hard *trigger*, posted by cubic_me on June 21, 2004, at 8:55:20
>>Feeling like I want to rip the insides from my body and tear them into shreads. Feeling that no physical punishment would be enough for me.
i don't know that i even hate this feeling inside me anymore...it seems like i've felt this for so long, it's just who i am. Maybe that's why i'm struggling so much in therapy...maybe i don't want this to go away...it's all i know, it's my only secure thing i have in my life.
-isn't it crazy that one minute i can give(try to anyway)support to those to keep going, to not harm, to not die and truly believe it. and at the same time i understand what they feel inside because that ache exists inside me. Unfortunatly i don't want to die, but as you say above, No punishment would be enough for me.
It is I who should be the one that is beaten, MINE who's body is torn to shreds, ME who deserves to have everything i hold dear torn away, ME the one unjustly jailed and tortured. ME captured and murdered. ME pennyless and alone on the cold streets.
It is ME that deserves all this, not those that it truly happens to. What have they ever done, when my list of harm and shame is endless.
I am sorry you hurt...and i TRULY wish i could take it from you. I would bare this for you in a heartbeat, especially since you have been so kind. You deserve love, no ache, and peace of mind.
b2c.
Posted by TexasChic on June 21, 2004, at 14:12:23
In reply to So hard *trigger*, posted by cubic_me on June 21, 2004, at 8:55:20
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I know the ache too. I'm doing the fake smile today. I feel bad physically and mentally. I haven't had the suicidal thoughts for while though. I just can't imagine what it would do to my family, especially my precious nephew, who I love so much. He's being raised by less than stable parents. I know I have to try as hard as I can to be a positive presence in his life, because the consequences are too terrible for me to bare. It's likely he will have problems in life caused directly by his upbringing. He just doesn't have anyone else to be his advocate: my mom is narcissistic and worse than any of us, my brother lives an hour away and has so much to deal with in his own life already, my sister (his mother), well, she has the maturity of a 13 year old, and her boyfriend (his father) has many problems – he's been in and out of prison and has been known to drive drunk with my nephew in the car.
My nephew is the only thing that has stopped my suicidal thoughts. Being OCD, I constantly worry something bad is going to happen to him. If it did, that very well might be it for me.
Well, I started out trying to be helpful, and instead this turned out to be kind of a depressing. But I hope it help's to know you're not alone in the struggle to live.
Posted by cubic_me on June 22, 2004, at 15:15:11
In reply to Re: So hard *trigger* » cubic_me, posted by TexasChic on June 21, 2004, at 14:12:23
Its not really an update, as things are still the same, but I just wanted to say thankyou so much for your support.
Like b2c, I've had this for years too, and I'd feel lost without it. In some ways these feelings are like a friend, and having them seems better than having no feelings at all.
I'm going abroad for 3 weeks tomorrow, so I won't be around to update, but I'll keep you all in my thoughts and try to stay safe.
Cubic x
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